A few things narcissists might say to try and do to win you back.
Some people who are not abusive may say these things if they feel genuine remorse. If they’ve not been physically or mentally abusive towards you, they might be genuinely sorry for their actions and genuinely love care and want you back.
Yet if they’ve been mentally or physically abusive towards you, left you feeling crazy, taken advantage of you, taken your money, your home, or use you in any way they can, cheated on you, repeatedly let you down and lied to you, they are saying these things as they want to exploit you some more.
When narcissists come for the hoover, they might say things like.
“You made me do it. It’s only because you weren’t there for me. If you were more interested in me, that was when we were on a break.” When you’ve discovered they’ve cheated again, this is the narcissist blame-shifting onto you, or triangulating you Both, so you work harder to keep the narcissist due to your trauma bond. You best defence is to let them go, someone who loves you wouldn’t repeatedly hurt you.
“I’ll go to counselling.” The narcissist has no intentions of changing. They are buying themselves more time with you. They’ll often use counselling to form an illusion, so you feel hope and obligated to help, or they’ll set it up, so you’re the one told by the professionals, that you need to change for the narcissist to make the relationship work, often you’ll be smeared as crazy, not always, but a few narcissists have a way of doing this through manipulation of the professional working with you. Professionals are becoming more aware of spotting precisely what the narcissist is doing and being able to help you. Your best line of defence, let them go to counselling and change for themselves without you.
“I miss you. I know you don’t want me back. Can we just be friends?” They want friends with benefits, or to triangulate you with their new partner, or use you to make the new partner feel crazy.
“Let’s get married, let’s have a baby,” future faking to give you false hope, that they want the same as you, they want to pull on your compassion that they really care, often they just want to take you for all they can in the divorce, and keep control over any childcare arrangements.
“Perhaps we should take a break.” They just want you to up your game and win them back. Or. “I knew you weren’t right for me.” Again hopefully, you’ll try to win them back. Giving them attention. Yet, they’ll have someone lined up in case you don’t up your game on delivering all their desires which is never enough as they’re extremely envious and whatever they have, narcissists people are always seeking more.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. It’ll never happen again.” They’re not sorry they hurt you, narcissists are sorry that they got caught, they don’t want to suffer any consequences for their actions, they don’t see themselves as the problem, they see your reactions as a problem, repeated patterns of behaviour proves their words are meaningless.
“I’ve nothing left to live for.” If you’re leaving them, The victim narcissist, pity playing hoping your compassion will not want to leave them hurt. Or you’ll feel too guilty to walk away. ”What about the children. Or. After all, I’ve done for you.” The reality, they want to buy time, so they can discard you and find someone else.
When they come back with all the gifts and those “I’m sorry.” False apologies again, just to Hoover you back in their games. To devalue or discard you repeatedly, as the new isn’t working out, or you have something they want.
“Happy birthday.” Or “thinking about you.” On your birthday, they are just testing the waters to see if your willing to communicate with them. Remember all those special occasions they ruined and do not respond. A response to a narcissist is all they need to worm their way back in.
“I’ve only ever loved you, or you’re the only one for me.” Most narcissists are unfaithful, yet they try to play the card that they didn’t care for the other. The reality is they don’t care for the others, yet they don’t care for you either. They only care about getting their needs met, as they feel entitled to believe they don’t have to play by the rules. However, they’re hypocritical enough to believe you do.
“I’m torn. I love you both.” Again trying to get you both to work harder and win them over. They just want the attention from you both as you fight over the narcissist.
“I need your help, and I don’t mean to hurt you.” They need your affection, attention and support, as they didn’t mean to push you so far as they’d not got someone else lined up, they didn’t mean to push you so far, yet as you still have something they want from you.
Whatever narcissist’s say, remember how they tried to get away with it, do not break no contact or grey rock. It’ll set your recovery back. They hurt you and treated you wrong. They’ll keep doing it every time you take them back. Often the more you forgive them, the worse their behaviour gets. Most psychologists and researchers say they can not change, don’t risk your happiness by going back.
The two sides to a narcissists game after you go no contact.
Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
How to handle yourself around a narcissist.