Two questions I get asked a lot, as most narcissistic people go from one relationship to the next, often crossing over partners, are they happier with the new? Can they change?
Normal human curiosity, mostly it’s a sign you’re ready to dig a little deeper and try to work out what’s happened or is happening. A narcissist often provokes this intrigue because of the way they manipulatively treated you throughout the relationship, then discard you at the end of the relationship; often, they can leave it open for return “I just need space, I love you I just don’t know if I’m in love with you.” or they disappear on you. There are many different scenarios narcissists use to discard.
This intrigue, when used the right way to learn and move on, have the life skills not to fall for another like this can be a good thing, although it might not feel like it at the time, at the time it can be painful, in a lot of cases the pain is to teach us not to go their again, because we get hurt, and we don’t like that feeling.
You can hear from a flying monkey the narcissist has been spotted with someone new, often the very person you might have asked the narcissist about who they claimed to be “just friends.” This followed with ” you’re insecure.” To distract you from what they were really doing, to cause you to doubt your very instincts and feelings because that’s all you had to go on, and the narcissist lied, gaslighted and projected their way out of it.
Or you seemingly had no clue, for the first time in a long time, things finally seemed to be going well between you, then out of nowhere, the narcissist left. Not only have they walked out, you then here they’ve moved in with someone new.
Curiosity is what helps us learn, often though we start comparing ourselves to the new, are they better? Had the narcissist, in our opinion, downgraded? What’s so special about them? What’s wrong with me? These questions can keep us trapped in the pain of the past, although most go through this stage.
People have questions so that they can learn and grow. The truth is, if you were dealing with a narcissist on the spectrum of the disorder, no, they are not happier with the new; they are using the new as they used you, and as they used any ex if they’ve returned to an ex, again they’re using the ex to meet a need of their own.
People are an appliance to a narcissist, where we turn on the hot tap for hot water and cold for cold. A narcissist finds people to give them positive attention and admiration or negative attention and reactions.
Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live, or someone trying to prove to themselves and the outside world there is nothing wrong with them, often the narcissist knows it failed with you, is blaming it all on you, and is trying to prove to themselves and those people around them, that they were never the problem, so is going all out with the new, only for one day the same cycle to repeat as the narcissist still has a disorder, it’s who they are.
Whether you were the one to leave or they left you when you discover they’ve moved on so fast. When you’re left heartbroken, and picking up the shattered pieces of your life, your dreams, your hopes, and trying to heal yourself and move forward, it’s hard enough when a relationship with two loving people breaks down, yes some loving people also move on fast to heal the pain, often carrying the trauma from the previous relationship into the next.
Not only do you discover that often the narcissist has moved on fast, but they might also be super secretive about it, which increases our intrigue, or they could be rubbing it in your face, causing the pain that people can mistake for jealousy. In this situation, jealousy gives us the feeling of resentment, often through the trauma bond that needs to be worked through, as the narcissist makes sure we know they’ve moved on, either by social media or their flying monkeys. When often we know this person is bad for us, we can feel bad for the new. However, that feeling of jealousy is because of all those dreams the narcissist sold in their illusion of the relationship, all those broken promises of the future they seem to be delivering to someone else, making us wonder, what’s wrong with me? In reality, nothing is wrong with us. We have empathy, we reflect, we love hard, and we hurt hard, that jealousy is showing us what we’d like from life; we just don’t want it with that kind of person; it’s teaching us to strive to do better within ourselves, create our dreams, that the narcissist can no longer touch, to take back control of our life. This is why blocking and deleting them and their flying monkeys, then going no contact or grey rock if you have children with them is best to help you heal, and you will improve.
Narcissists move from partner to partner to fill their own needs, to supply their own insecurities, to prove their worth, to prove it’s not them, to get the admiration, to feel special, to exploit people, they don’t move on because they love and care for the new, they move on to take advantage and get their needs met, and it could last a few months or a few years, they are merely using them until they can not use them any more and then find another replacement. It did not start with you, and it will not end with you. They do not love their use. To meet their own needs.
Remember how it was for you in the beginning; that’s all they are showing with the new partner, the idealisation stage, the love-bombing phase, the hooking the new in. Some might want to warn the new, this will not end well, as when you met the narcissist, and they were treating you so well—smearing the ex to you. What would you think if that ex had come trying to rescue you?
They do not love the new person any more or less than they did you, they do not care, they lack the empathy to do so, they only care for what’s in it for them, narcissist are lacking in the genuine empathy to care for another, they lack object consistency, and they lack the attachment system, they have a sense of entitlement, so how they feel about someone at any given moment depends on if they are extracting what they want from that person.
When you think about it, the only thing a narcissist gave you was stress, heartbreak, anxiety, cptsd, insecurities, cognitive dissonance and self-doubts, and that’s if you’re lucky, there’s financial debts and many more, a narcissist is a con artist, they exploit people, they treat people unfairly, they make people believe in things they’ll not deliver, they don’t help you out when you think you needed them the most, they sink you, then swoop back in when they want to use you and claim they saved you.
Yes, it’s devastating when they are doing all the things they said they’d do with you, with the new, remember this is an act, this is what they did with you, delivered on some false promises, in the beginning, so they could use these against you “don’t your remember when I.” To distract you from the broken promises in the presents by getting you to focus on a future they’ll not deliver.
They mirrored you. They’ll mirror the new. They’re also using the things you enjoy, that they know worked to hook you in, to sell themselves to the new, to hook the new in. Whatever a narcissist does is to meet a need of their own.
Why will they never change?
They do not change; they have a disorder, they change lies, they change partners, they don’t change their true selves, they have a disorder, NPD, to have that disorder, they have a lack of empathy, they are envious, they exploit others, they are preoccupied with their own power, they believe they are special, and above all others, they are arrogant and don’t see themselves as the problem, if they knew their behaviour is wrong, they still have the disorder, they still have those traits underneath the change, even with the therapy they can relapse as those traits are always just under the surface.
The way they fill up their six human needs by Tony Robbins is another reason why they’ll never change.
- Love and connection, The need to feel togetherness, unity, desire, passion, warmth, and love in our lives.
- Certainty. They need to feel safe, comfortable, stable, protected, and the need to have predictability in our lives.
- Significance. The need to feel achievement, special, respect, wanted, needed, and unique in our lives.
- Uncertainty/ variety The need to feel different, risk, change, challenged, excitement, surprise, and entertained in our lives.
- Growth, The need to feel like we are developing, expanding, strengthening, expanding, and cultivating ourselves.
- Contribution, The need to feel like we are helping others, giving, donating, leaving our mark, serving, offering, and contributing to others.
Every feeling, action or emotion we experience in life is driven subconsciously or consciously by our human needs, and these can be met positivity, naturally or negatively. Anything you do that meets three of these needs, negative or positive, and you will become addicted.
The narcissist is addicted to their way of life through negative emotions and negative patterns. If you listen carefully, they are very negative people. They mask it with their arrogance to manipulate people. But deep down, they are, as they don’t see themselves as the problem, they don’t feel a need to change, they believe all others are at fault. So how do these needs mean they will be unfulfilled with the new partner.
It’s harder for them to meet needs in positive ways as it’s not natural to them, they’ve been programmed to find the quick, easy fix, it’s automatic to them to meet their needs in a negative way, not realising it works against them, as they don’t trust themselves they often don’t trust others. So they move on with whoever they can, whoever’s available, often manipulating them fast and moving in fast.
The narcissist meets their need for love and connection. By dominating and controlling all others, making others fear them, through the stare or covert/ overt threats they feel connected to them, giving others the silent treatment and watching their phone ring as the person they are ignoring is frantically trying to get in touch, they think you are connected to them, they also feel significant. Playing the hero, or playing the victim to others, so they get the sympathy or the praise makes them feel connected to others.
The narcissist meets their need for certainty in negative ways by doing as little as possible and avoiding challenges that will not fulfil their other needs, the cheat others, stealing from others, controlling others—addictions to drugs, substance abuse.
The narcissist meets their need for significance in negative ways by tearing others down, by being in control and destroying others, intimidating and bullying others, often why most narcissists, even if they have moved on they will still try to destroy you, not all some meet it by being the worst at everything and are too lazy to do so.
The narcissist meets their need for variety and uncertainty by having affairs, substance abuse, negative addictions, and causing drama and conflict with others.
The narcissist meets their needs for growth by doing cruel or calculating, callous, malicious things to those around them, by moving on to the new and starting again, only for their highly addictive and negative behaviour to come back, for them to realise the new partner is human like the rest of us, makes mistakes like the rest of us.
The narcissist meets their need for contribution by destroying others; they can get work colleagues fired simply because they don’t like them, they destroy partners and ex-partners as they no longer serve them, the narcissist is only ever contributing to fulfilling their own needs.
Therefore as a narcissist is programmed to think only of themselves and put their own needs first, they got into the relationship not for love or happiness, to fulfil a need they can only fill negatively, they can only substation the positive side for a short time, as they believe the world revolves around them, they become extremely envious and jealous of others, including their partners and have to destroy them to feel better within themselves.
Cycles of narcissistic relationships.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp. (Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.
A relationship with a narcissist.
15 things narcissists say to distract you.