Overcoming Narcissistic abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Healing after narcissistic abuse.
When you’ve been in an abusive relationship with a narcissistic person, you lose so much of yourself, including your identity.
Self-identity is just a normal human day to day adventure that you slowly grow, learning about your likes and dislikes, building hopes and dreams. Learn things from different activities and experiences,
This shapes who you are, how you express yourself and what your beliefs and boundaries are.
When you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, they slowly take you apart little by little, so they become your life, they become your self-identity and they take all your identity.
You have been left with anger and resentment, you are not alone in this.
Regaining your self-identity is a step by step process, but you will come out stronger, happier and more assertive than you were before.
Understanding about narcissism can help you with your own journey of rediscovery.
The narcissist doesn’t actually have a self-identity, they change to who the person that they are trying to manipulate, mirroring them. If you’ve spent a lot of time around a narcissist and others, you’ll have noticed the different story’s they tell others. This is because the narcissist doesn’t know who they truly are. They just get short term gratification from people, then when their needs are no longer being met, they move onto another, changing who they are for the new person.
Peoples attention, energy and emotions, are the narcissist highs, although a lot of them have an addiction to substance abuse also.
A narcissist gets their identity from manipulating people.
Narcissists subtly cheap away at your mind, heart, intuition and soul over time, as they circle between treating you so well, then so horrible, it’s confusing to see.
You believe they are just unhappy, misunderstood people, who just need your love and your support, you don’t understand or know what they truly are, that they can not love. The covert narcissist will play the victim of their terrible past. The overt will just charm you in, both will lead you to believe you’re the one causing problems within the relationship, so you keep changing yourself to suit them, all the time losing another piece of your own self-identity. They will constantly chip away at you and how you’re not good enough.
Once your out and realise, what they are and everything they do, you still might question yourself about, why you didn’t see it happening? Why you didn’t stop it? And why you allowed them to do this to you? Leaving you with anger and resentment. You are not alone in this. Without knowing what a narcissist is in the first place, you’ll not know what’s happening, whilst it’s happening.
You may also now be isolated from your friends and family. Trying to process, everything that’s happened, and having no one around for support. Then if you do have some friends or family left for support, they don’t understand the depth of what you have been through.
You may also be left in financial difficulties, having no home and no income coming in.
The narcissist will try and steal everything from you.
Narcissist put you into a trance. Leaving you with learned helplessness. Reliant upon the narcissist for everything and the narcissist having full control over you. You become completely dependent on them and lose all your self-identity.
You might be left, depressed with anxiety or CPTSD.
All relationships require to give and take. With a narcissist, you give it your all, whilst they slowly take everything from you.
Most people don’t have a strong self-identity, to begin with, making it easier for the narcissist to destroy you.
To heal from identity loss you need to,
Set boundaries and stick to them.
Ban, block and cut them out if you have children grey rock.
No contact and no response is far from easy at first, you may slip from time to time. That’s ok just start again, it gets easier and you will get to the point you no longer want to communicate with them anyway.
Surround yourself with supportive people,
Surround yourself with as many positive people as you can.
Go and talk to friends and family, that you were cut off from, sometimes this means swallowing your pride, most will be supportive as they will have known something was off with your ex.
Try to join new activities where you’ll meet new people.
Do some of the things the narcissist always said you couldn’t, or didn’t let you do.
Take it at your own pace, you might find it hard talking to others at first, join support groups, with those who’ve been there and understand, what you been through, you’ll have lots of similar story’s.
You can and you will heal from identity loss.