”You’re going to develop trust issues when you’re around those with lying issues.”
No, you don’t always attract what you are. Sometimes you attract people who are envious of who you are or have a willingness to exploit you for who you are.
So how do narcissist steal your trust in yourself and then your trust in others.
Narcissistic people rely on those who trust in others as it makes it easier for them to gaslight those around them, they rely on people who are honest, loyal and kind, as those people are often forgiving and helpful and exactly what a narcissist needs so they can use others to feel better about themselves without any consequences to their actions. As you wouldn’t treat someone how a narcissist treats someone, we don’t see it. Their unbelievable yet real gaslighting distorts our reality into losing our sanity, questioning our judgment and not the narcissist’s morals.
A narcissist can misuse people’s trust and get people questioning themselves and not the narcissist without people being aware of what’s happening. They can do this often with ease as they most often choose people who do trust in themselves and others, people who like to see and look for the good in people, and people who want to help others.
Those who were raised by narcissistic parents often don’t see, just believe it’s the way people are, not knowing any different, doing their best to please others, in the hope they’ll stop hurting them.
So when a narcissist plays the victim after hurting another, we don’t always see the true story, we do our best to look for the good in them, as they pity play, so we empathise with them, and we try to help them, unwittingly enabling their toxic behaviour when they hurt us, we could have been conditioned in childhood that’s how relationships work, narcissistic people offer those intermittent reinforcements of the idealisation while projecting their behaviour over to us to blame us for their wrongdoing, so we work harder to please them.
We are often left too busy questioning our mistakes that we might not have even made that we overlook theirs.
Narcissist chose people who value trust, and then they peoples trust against them.
When someone tells you, “you’ve worked hard.” “You’ve done well.” “I like your top.” You trust them, and you’ve no reason not to. You wouldn’t usually think twice about questioning them, why narcissistic people often use flattery during the love-bombing stage to pull you in. It’s often not a genuine, well-meaning compliment. It’s frequently excessive flattery. However, our loyalty and trust usually means we take it as a compliment rather than question their integrity behind the remark. We trust they mean well.
This and their other love bombing methods then opens our attachment system, creating that emotional bond to love and care for them, believing and trusting they do us.
As they seemingly share all our interests, in the beginning, we feel understood by them. If we had narcissistic parents, we feel understood like never before, as narcissists mirror us, we share the same interest, experience, beliefs, values and then feel at ease around them, those long conversations in the love-bombing stage where we begin to open up to them not realising they’re about to use these same insecurities we tell them against us.
We admire them at the beginning as their arrogance is easily mistaken for confidence, their flattery for compliments, those conversations for communication, our beliefs and values match as they take on board ours and mirror them back to us, selling to us, who we are, or what we’d like them to be straight back to us, we then care for their opinions and ask for their advice, not realising that they are slowly going to not only turn against us, yet also turn us against ourselves, through their devaluation, which we listen to as we’ve created that bond and care for their opinions, leaving us questioning ourselves more and them less.
We trust in a partner, in a relationship, to respect us as we do them, to treat us as we do them, to love and care about us, as we do them. Not to hurt us, as we wouldn’t them, to love with a whole heart and trust completely, we go into relationships trusting them and assume they will do the same. As we don’t go around exploiting others, we are not suspicious of those around us. We take things at face value; this is normal human behaviour.
When we are honest, we dislike dishonesty when we like to give and receive the truth, we believe others do the same, as we know that sometimes we can stand in our truth, only to be mistaken as we learn more, we respect that others to can make mistakes or stick to their truth if they can not see, so if we can just show them another way they’ll understand us, or how they hurt us. However, narcissistic people don’t understand us. They are committed to misunderstanding us, to get their needs met.
We understand people make mistakes or errors in judgment as we do, often unintentionally and then we learn from those mistakes believing others do the same. However, narcissistic people don’t. They just escape the shame by shifting the blame while we hold ourselves accountable not only for our behaviour, also for theirs.
In the idealisation stages, they can treat us so well. In the love-bombing, they can treat us well and seemingly understand us better than anyone ever has, we are duped we are deceived we are conned into believing how much they love and care about us, we have a belief that people care for people, that people tell you the truth, we think they’re honest and open, narcissistic people make us think we can trust them, they may even tell you, about how others have hurt them so much in the past, how they’ve never done such a thing to hurt you, how they’ve never hurt you as they know how that feels. They wouldn’t do that to anyone. Most often they will treat you so well in the love-bombing stage, they will validate you feeling and come across and genuinely caring for you, and most people trust them, as they’ve no reason not to, yet they are just manipulating you, to gain your trust and pretend you can trust them.
We also can understand people make mistakes and might not tell us something in order to protect our feelings. However, if we were to find out, they’d communicate with us and do all they can to make it up to us as we would if we believed we had hurt another.
Narcissistic people don’t do this. They cause intrigue to get us going, they bait us, and then they deny all knowledge, “you must be mistaken.” pass the blame “if only you hadn’t.” Or fall silent.
When narcissistic people start to say. “ it’s just a friend,” we do our best to trust them. When they say you’re their soul mate, the love of their life, they’ve never hurt you. We trust them. When they ask to borrow money from us, saying “I’ll pay you back.” We trust they will pay us back like they said they would. When the women say they are on birth control as they don’t want children, we trust they are on birth control. When they say they are working late or working away, we trust them. When they say they’ll take care of the bills, we trust them, not realising they’re about to shatter our trust and then blame us for their behaviour and even claiming they didn’t tell us because “I knew you’d act like this.” Or “I didn’t tell you because you can not handle the truth.”
Trust is a valuable tool to use against us, narcissist takes it, disrespect it, stomp all over it and use it to hurt us and slowly try to take our trust in ourselves away from us with their “I never said that.” Or “you’re crazy.”
Narcissistic people slowly and surely shatter our trust.
If we do start to stand up for ourselves and question them, it’s then the mind games of the silent treatment, gaslighting, blame-shifting, project, invalidating us, intimidating us, triangulating us, and so much more, leaving us with self-doubt, feeling insecure and that feeling is often validated by the very person you trust telling you. “You’re insecure.” Or “you’re just too sensitive.” Or “it wasn’t that bad.” Or “I’ll pay you next week.” Or “what money.” And the rest, often leaving us walking on eggshells around them, for fear of what they will say or do, or worse, believing we are imagining things and losing our mind.
Then when we begin to see what’s been happening, they will have often discard with no explanation and no closure, leaving a horrible pain in our heart and awful thoughts running on a continuous loop throughout our head that we feel like we can not escape, leaving us to deal with health problems, financial problems and picking up the pieces of what’s left of ourselves and our lives. With all that narcissist do, we’re left with fear, anxiety and left little to no trust, within ourselves and those around you.
We can feel stupid, foolish and not want to talk to others, don’t you are far from alone, with how narcissists manipulate it’s hard to see, as they can bring that intermittent reinforcements of those idealisation stages, the future faking back in at any moment to distract us from the pain of the present, it’s even more challenging to see, it’s hard to see what we don’t know, and even harder to understand, a behaviour we’re unaware of, You can, and you will get your trust back, first in yourself and then in others.
One step on rebuilding Your self-trust After a narcissistic relationship.
After the trauma bond and cptsd, rebuilding your trust, not only in yourself but trusting those around you. Your intuition is key in this. Listen to it and take action with what it’s telling you. This will help you make the right choice and slowly rebuild your trust.
Often at the time, we don’t know what our instincts are telling us. Only afterwards we realise we should have listened to them, then in the future, we can understand even when we don’t know what instincts are telling us. If something feels off about someone, it probably is.
Start reflecting back at all those moments your intuition did know. Still, because you didn’t understand, you couldn’t work out what it was telling, you pushed it down, ignored it and carried on anyway, little things, in the beginning, you made excuses for, minimised then, perhaps instead of trusting that intuition you ended up asking the narcissist as you naturally valued their opinions for them to lie it all away, even though your intuition was telling you what they were saying wasn’t right, you didn’t understand any different wanting to believe in them, believing they are coming from the same morals as you, so we push them down ignore them, our own intuition, that gut feeling, sometimes we have to follow it even when we don’t understand it. Remember how many times you ignored it, you lost some more trust.
You may have plans and ideas of how your life is going to work out, and then Life gets in the way, don’t think of it like that, think of it as you were going in the wrong direction and now life is guiding you a new way. Listen to your inner truth, what that gut of yours is telling you that intuition sometimes, it can be something out of nowhere that wasn’t even planned. If your intuition is telling you to do something, follow it.
If you look back 15 years,
Ten years, five years, one year or six months, you’ll see how much wiser you are now, how much you’ve come through and learnt.
When you see signs, your intuition is trying to tell you something. Look and listen to those signs.
If you are isolating yourself, take steps to stop isolating yourself, start getting out there, find your intuition and take action, every time you listen to your intuition, take action, see that it works for you, it’ll build your trust back up within yourself, then when you listen to it with those around you. It’ll build your trust up in others.
When you take action that agrees with your intuition, you’ll learn to trust yourself again.
Break the pattern. Our memories, emotions, and chemicals such as dopamine released during a toxic relationship can keep us trapped. We have to find a safe way out. Then we have to find our way to break the cycle by interrupting the cycle and get passionate about finding and helping ourselves, so we can be at our best and give our best to the right people and walk away from the wrong people.
Keep going, you can, and you will overcome this.
The difference between narcissist behaviour and ours.
Shaming and blaming.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.