Be it the malignant, grandiose, somatic, cereal, vulnerable. Narcissistic abuse is a hiddious form of mental and with some physical violence, any vulnerability you have they will use against you, they often enter your life as your hero, and your dreams come true, to end up becoming your biggest enemy and worst nightmare.
Everything they do is to meet the needs of their own, and they are a leech, a parasite, a virus that infects your whole life. They often live by the seven deadly sins.
- Pride, excessive belief in themselves.
- Envy and jealousy of all others.
- Gluttony, entitled to have more than they need.
- Lust, constantly craving for more of their ideal.
- Anger, they can not accept love and always resort to passive-aggressive or aggressive anger in the end.
- Greed, that grandiosity, material possessions most often other peoples, not always.
- Sloth, most are rather lazy and do the bare minimum to meet their never-ending wants and needs. They will take any and all shortcuts they can with the lack of empathy to care for who they exploit on their way up.
They manipulate others from the love bombing, devaluation, intermittent reinforcement of the idealisation, the disengagement of their discard and then the hoover, with pity plays, silent treatments, gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, threats, making us feel insecure and crazy. It takes time for those with good intentions, who care and are kind to others to see what’s genuinely happening due to the narcissists cruel and sometimes calculated gaslighting mind games, by then we have to recover from not only the reality of the abuse that genuinely happened, also trauma bonding, anxiety, CPTSD, financial ruin and mental/ physical illnesses.
Things you can not have with a narcissist.
- Emotional understanding and comfort, they lack the empathy to care for whatever you’re going through and will often blame you for any problems they have caused, they lack the self-awareness and ability to reflect on what’s happened if things aren’t going their way to a narcissist that’s your fault. They have to bring you down. To a narcissist, the reason you are down will also be your fault.
- They take all your relationship, they not only swoop in and sweep you off your feet, but they can also do the same with all you’re friends and family, happy to go out with friends and family events at the start, then slowly any outings or special occasions are ruined. Often leaving you in depths of despair And looking unhinged. They divide and conquer, picking your friends and family off one by one, isolating you from support. With some, they will shift your friends and family loyalty away from you and onto them, or they will drain you into fawning to their behaviour and isolating yourself, no longer knowing who to trust, unwittingly turning away from those who could help you and to the narcissist for support not realising they are sinking you. They can gather enablers to say, “you know what they’re like? They’re not that bad.” So you question yourself and not those very people who are harming you. They are a virus that infects your relationship with others through triangulation, smear campaigns, making you look crazy, or merely getting you to walk on eggshells conform to their demands and fear going out.
- Social media and messages, unless it’s about them, In the beginning, it’s full of loving bombing as they shower you with attention and communication those loving, sentimental messages, on our social media or personal messages, so when they slowly creep in the devaluation, it leaves us hurt and confused, using social media to further their games, they might gradually stop leaving those sentimental remarks, and then out of nowhere where comes that complete silence, then out of the blue they are back, playing nice, posting again, whilst blaming you for being insecure if you ask them, often taking on their opinions and believing you are at fault, then comes the threats, the invalidation, the criticism, the put-downs, as they circle around their social media games, all to keep us more confused.
- Freedom. They take any and all your resources, some without care, with pity plays, threats, blame-shifting, making you feel guilty, or sinking your mental health, so you become dependent on them. Most move into your home, don’t pay the bills, eat your food, to them, they feel entitled as to what’s yours is theirs, and what’s theirs is their own. They spend your money, try to take your home, some will vandalise your property, again blaming you. A lot will walk out and leave you with nothing, empty on the inside and the outside, slowly manipulating everything you once had away from you. Some will try to get you to sell up and move you miles away, leaving you isolated.
- Respect. It’s always going to be one rule for them and another for you. They demand respect through many manipulative, coercive controlling methods. However, you have to earn theirs by behaving exactly how they want, as they are preoccupied with themselves, they’ll do as they please, as they believe they’re special. They think they’re entitled to special attention. If you’re not giving what they believe they deserve, and even if you are, they’re always looking for more, they lack respect for everything, until they fear consequences, then they shift the blame.
- Loyalty. Narcissists take your passion, your heart, mind and soul, not only are they a leech in your home, but they’re also a leach draining you through manipulation slowly over time, from songs they play you to words they say to you, so you no longer know who you are, from the love bombing and always being at your side in the start, to the sudden disappearing acts, and silent treatments, leaving you wondering what you did wrong, planting seeds of self-doubt in your mind not only with their actions also their words. From “you’re too sensitive.” And “That never happened.” Too ” You’ll never find someone like me.” And ” Who’d want you? You’re crazy. Your subconscious is slowly programmed over time to grow those seeds into your own thoughts. You are gradually losing your self-worth.
- Your trust, the extent of the manipulation and lies they do to you, you lose your self-trust and your trust in others. Questioning and over analysing everything and others motive towards you, including your own. In a state of hypervigilance throughout the devaluation and after the discard with all the games, they throw your way.
- Health. Over time narcissistic people take over your emotional health and your physical health, leaving you feeling drained, all the stress-causing unexplained illness after illness, like a virus, slowly taking over and swooping in for the kill, the love-bombing where they get all the positives attention and emotions from you, joy, happiness, wanting to please and love them any way you can. Your praise to them and about them, to devaluation where they’ll happily make you cry, they’ll sit and watch you cry, or walk out on you. They’ll blame it all on you, leaving you hurt and confused. Even the discard is done each and every time with no closure leaving you hurt and confused, the hoover when they come to ’rescue’ you. Then when you finally wake up and see them for all they are, they use any and all your weaknesses against you, cutting you wide open for more emotional torture.
- Achieving your dreams. At the start, they mirror you pretend to love all that you do, false promises of the future faking to fulfil all those dreams with your soul mate, then during devaluation, they slowly take all your dreams, hobbies, passions and hopes away from you. After discard, most are left with nothing, an empty shell of your former self, full of fear and anxiety to get up and go again.
- Yourself, your values, your opinions, your beliefs, your reality if you try to set a boundary, they find a way to take it down, so you can no longer be you, and with their gaslighting, they take away your reality too.
- Reach your potential. Whatever you do will never be enough for a narcissist, or it’ll be too much. They have to bring you down as they’re envious you might achieve something they can not, if they can not exploit you for that achievement, they’ll do all they can to block you from reaching your true potential, draining you, gaslighting you into doubting and blaming yourself.
- Inner peace. Living under constant stress, fear, drama is going to cause overthinking, ruminating, lack of sleep, trauma, CPTSD, anxiety, leaving you with a weakened immune system, overanalysing everything and very little peace.
You can, and you will recover from this.
- Safely get away from the narcissist, removing the source of the pain and confusion from your life. No contact or grey rock.
- Set up your boundaries, block them and any enablers, flying monkeys. Learn a million ways to say no and stick to your no.
- Learn about narcissist personality disorder, put reality back together, forgive yourself for things you didn’t know. Any reactions you have, learn to tune into your instincts that your mind and heart chose to ignore.
- Start filling your human needs for love and connection. Certainly, significance. Growth, uncertainty, contribution. By learning new things, making new friends, connecting with those who understand, you will help overcome the trauma bond, fixing any issue you had as a child, working on yourself.
- Finding your focus and creating new dreams for you. Starting new hobbies, or taking up old ones.
- Practice observing and not absorbing their toxic behaviour and those around you, listen to people’s actions, as well as their words.
- Be patient and kind to yourself. Most of us slip up on the road to recovery. Keep taking those baby steps until you make it.
Stages of a relationship.
What happens in a narcissistic relationship.
Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.