How narcissists discard and the ways it makes us feel.
When it comes to a narcissist, the discard should really be called the disengagement as it’s is often only temporary. On their part, they’ll usually come back around for the hoover, or the re-idolisation stage, be it, days. Weeks, months or years later, although it can take us several attempts to get out and stay out, as we live in the belief the problems within the relationship were our fault, with the hope from their false promises that they will change, we do our best with the added help of their gaslighting to see the good in them and overlook the bad, the hope we can help them as we care for them, often for us to get hurt a little more each and every time until we begin to wake from the brain fog, start to recognise what’s been happening to us. We make the finale discard, once we know why they do what they do, that we can not help them, that they’ll only ever bring us pain, and that we deserve to be treated with respect, loyalty and honesty, that their ‘mistakes’ are not mistakes, it’s who they are, we make a choice to walk away and no longer play, even then it’s not easy.
When we begin to learn about the disorder and see just how many have been through similar things, we often want the understanding and clarity of what’s happened. There can be so many enlightening and hurtful realisations as we go back to the beginning slowly moving away from the narcissist’s reality they gaslighted us into believing. A part of us really wanted to believe it, and why wouldn’t you, they can put on that charm, mirror you, sell you all your dreams, all while manipulatively hiding their true intentions, we only have our feelings, our instincts to go on. With reality, we lived in the beginning, their gaslighting. No evidence for our instincts, we want to believe in them.
Only once out do we start putting our reality back in, do we see those moments our instincts tried to protect us, yet we overruled them, as we wanted to believe in the fairytale they were so manipulatively selling to us. Only once out and we connect with others do we see their somewhat predictable patterns of behaviour, how they never learn from past mistakes to make the changes they need to create a more fulfilling life, once we learn their patterns of behaviour, we become a lot wiser to their games, even when we still have to be in contact with them, because or children, we learn with no reaction from ourselves, by observing their behaviour not absorbing, what they might try next. It’s not easy at first getting out, but it’s worth it.
These are some of the ways they will discard us. Their discard is to fulfil a need of their own, you ending the relationship is for them to live their life while you go and live yours.
Five manipulative discards.
1. The one that leaves you living in hope, and the door open for them to come back, leaving you feeling hurt and confused, questioning yourself, and working hard to get them back, only to feel heartbroken and embarrassed when you realise while you were trying to work it out, they were with someone else, that you happen to accidentally find out about as the narcissist either hasn’t fully got them under their spell and wanted to keep you around in case it didn’t work. And while you were changing who you were in the hope, they come back. They would have been saying things like. “I need some space.” “ I don’t know what I want at the moment.” It makes them seem like they care, but have some things going on, so it pulls on our sympathy, leaving us confused, stopping us from moving on as we live with the hope, to make us feel all the more stupid when we realise it’s not that they didn’t know what they wanted, it’s that they didn’t know who they wanted. While we were busy trying to fix the relationship, they were busy elsewhere without a care for us. This can cause the best of people to react and want answers, to feel the need for closure. Then go trying to get those answers, reacting negatively towards the narcissist, trying to explain to the new. Without realising we’re playing straight into the narcissist’s hands and their games, as they’ll have already told the new how crazy we are, and they’ll have our reactions to match, how we want them back, and they’ll have the messages to match. Hence, the new only gets half the story, the story the narcissist is manipulatively selling them, and even when their instincts are trying to warn them something isn’t right, with the narcissist’s words they will be gaslighting them into believing the narcissist.
What we have to realise is we are understandable hurt, as we’ve been duped, we been deceived by the very person who claimed to love us, this can make us feel shame, guilt, anger, depression, fear, loss of trust in others, loss of trust in self. It can be a very lonely, scary place to be, and these are all normal emotions. Narcissists are highly manipulative, and they fool many. We don’t know what we don’t know, once we know we go, often our brains like to run away from the pain and try to convince us of things less painful. We can still hope the narcissist might regret their choice and change, or apologise, even if they promise to change, or offer a false apology as it’s not working with the new, they don’t change, they just hit repeat, we, however, can learn about ourselves and give ourselves the closure that we were pulled in by a con artist. We can listen to our instincts and what are emotions are telling us more.
2. Another one where they play on your emotions, this time, so they gain sympathy or get you to work harder to please them, to raise them up, to keep them happy and shower them with attention. They might tell you. “I’m not good enough for you.” Or “ this isn’t working; you should end it.” “ I think this relationship has run its course, and I don’t treat you right, we should end this.” This is as fake as anything else the narcissist ever does, and this is to get you in a state of shock and fear that the relationship is over, once in fear your subconscious begins to fawn to their behaviour, walking on eggshells to please them, so you work harder. In all that you do to keep them happy. This method leaves you, blaming yourself, looking past their abusive behaviour, upset and concerned, so they have greater control, this way the narcissist within their own mind escapes accountability as you try to please them. Sometimes we mistake fighting for the one who loves us, by fighting for someone to love us, if someone doesn’t love us for who we are, if someone gives us the covert threats of ” if only you.” Or ” I don’t think this is working.” We have to be strong enough to let go of what love isn’t, to find what love is, often they will have someone waiting. We also have to let go of those we love, if who we are isn’t enough for them, as we will be enough for the right person.
3. The one where they give you flattery. “you’ve been to good to me. I can not handle it, and I need some space.” “ you’ve treated me better than most, and I need some space to work things out.” “ you’re amazing in so many ways, I love you, but I’m not sure I’m In love with you.” This leaves you with self-doubt yet, you believe they are a good person, you don’t move on as you think they care, this method again leaves you with hope, they’ll return, you give them space to work through things. At the same time, they go work to find someone who will fill their needs, which they can exploit, as we don’t know about this it makes it far easier for the narcissist to hoover.
4. They may tell you it’s over with an abundant amount of insults, using every weakness and insecurity against you, mainly if you are sticking to boundaries as they hate the word no. They want to break that boundary down, or they feel like you’ve criticised them in some way—usually things like. “You’re too thin. You’re too fat.” “You’re no good. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You don’t. You can’t. Followed with “ after everything I do for you, and you do nothing for me.” “ None of which is true. It’s just to make you feel upset, angry and hurt, either react to their baiting so they can blame you, call you crazy, and feel better within themselves, or when they leave. You start doing well for yourself because they’re no longer bringing you down, they’ll have the audacity to think it’s because of them and swoop back for the hoover. If you’re not careful as they’ve undermined your confidence, when they reappear with all the charm they had, in the beginning, we can then start to question ourselves.
5. The disappearing act, the silent treatment ending.
Possibly one of their favourites, one minute they are there the next they poof they are gone, vanish, like vampires when the sun comes up, for lots of reasons, you’re in a relationship one minute the next you don’t know where they went. You might not have been going through any difficulties as you have at other times, yet still, they’ve gone, you might have sent countless messages and called loads, got in touch with friends and family, because you’re worried sick about them, yet you just can not get hold of them. Then you learn from one of their flying monkeys they’ve been spotted with someone else. It’s not because they couldn’t tell you in person, it’s because they don’t care, finding out in this cruel way can naturally make you feel, anger, annoyed, hurt, confused, resentment, and so many more. Reacting in similar ways to the first discard.
You were never the problem, you are worthy, they are so insecure on the inside they have to bring others down, to raise themselves up, they fear abandonment, they have to find others to leech off, you can not help them, they have a disorder, the narcissistic personality disorder, you did not cause it, you can not change it, and you can not control it. You can, however, help you.
After the end, if you start to make changes for yourself, they’ll believe it’s for them feel powerful, and most will often come in for the hoover.
If they have discarded you, it can be devastating, learning about the disorder, helps give you closure and the answers to your whys? Also working on you and creating a new happy life for you at the same time. You can, and you will.
How do you recover?
- Grieve the loss, cry, set a time limit, one day/ two days.
- Write out the false reality and write in the actual reality. To give yourself the closure, they’ll never give closure, and they will only ever blame shift onto you, making you feel worse.
- Remember the bad they put you through.
- Focus on the positives of why life will be better without them.
- Work on your anxiety triggers.
- Create new routines.
- Any doubt, tell the story as if it happened to someone you really cared about. What advice would you tell that person?
- Work on your mindset. It was not your fault, and you are lovable, you are worthy
- Work on filling your human needs up in other more positive constructive ways, things like joining support groups help you by helping others learn about the experience helps you, this fills contribution, growth, connection, if once you’ve learned it, you’re no longer interested learn something new keep growing who you want to be.
- Create new routines to fill your need for some certainty.
- Try new activities and hobbies.
- Learn your standards, your belief system and your boundaries.
- Make sure you rest and take care of your needs.
- Finding your sense of humour.
Why do narcissists hurt people?
What’s happens to you in a relationship with a narcissist?
The narcissist illusion.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.