To be classed as on the narcissist personality disorder, someone would need at least five of the nine criteria. Anyone is capable of showing these behaviours for various reasons. If they have a repeat pattern of hurtful behaviour towards you and see no wrong in their actions, narcissistic or not, it’s who they are. If someone is unwilling to learn from their behaviour, they’ll not change their behaviour. However, we can learn to find a way to change direction away from toxic people, to no longer allow them to frustrate us, no longer allow them to steal our happiness because they struggle to find their own and get a strange delight in tormenting others.
1. Not answering a question.
Narcissists don’t like answering questions. You can be going somewhere with someone and ask them a time. They might simply have a lot going on and respond with. I’m not sure yet. Or you could be dealing with a narcissistic person that thrives on keeping you in the dark, second-guessing, especially if it’s somewhere they don’t want to go, as when it comes to going, they’ll leave you be and suddenly appear saying, “come on let’s go.” and when you let them know you’re not ready, the narcissist could gaslight with things such as “how can you not be ready I told you a time.” the more you try to explain they didn’t tell you the more they’ll wind you up, to gain that emotional reaction from you, so they can say “well if you’re not bothered we’ll not go.”
You can ask a narcissist a question, and a narcissist can respond with a question, so you find yourself answering and explaining yourself to them while they avoid answering you.
It can be important information you need, like household finances for important documents. Narcissists enjoy causing intrigue and leaving out vital information. They might say, “what do you need that for.” Or even tell you to “make it up.”
Ask them about something they said they’d do, and they’ll bring something up that you haven’t done because you never said you would, again getting you on the defensive.
2, Narcissists like to create conflict.
Narcissistic people often enjoy creating controversy. They’ll be controversial for controversial sake, not because they care, purely to cause unrest and upset between others. Hence, people are that busy working on one issue a narcissist is hiding another.
3. Mocking with noises.
People can hum, sing, tut for various reasons. With a narcissist, you can say something, and because they don’t agree, instead of having a debate, they’ll tut because they don’t have a strong argument to back up their disagreement. Or when strangers are doing something they’re envious of, they can tut.
A bit like a child with fingers in ears saying, “I’m not listening.” Once a narcissist has stated their point of view as you then try to express yours, the narcissist will walk off humming or singing away to themselves as they feel contempt they don’t feel your point is worth considering, so the narcissist wishes to shut you down, leaving you not being able to get your thoughts, feelings or opinions out, feeling invalidated and confused, which can lead to frustration, resentment and anger, then when you explode at the narcissist who’s walking away humming away to themselves, they’ll turn around with. “See, there is no talking to you in this mood.” “You need to calm down.” As you take responsibility for your feelings and behaviour, you are left in further turmoil and frustration trying to work out how you can make it up to them for the very pain they’re causing you.
4. Interrupting you. You might just be trying to tell them about your day, an experience, your opinions, a feeling, something you’d like to do, and the narcissists will keep interrupting you, not because they have a strong valid point or to create the two-way conversation, mutual understanding. A narcissist will interrupt you to stop you in your track, not to allow you to speak, to get their point in, how they’ve had a day far worse than you, how their feelings were affected far more than yours. “What about when you.” Then once they’ve said their bit, they walk away humming, creating that conflict.
A narcissist will play the victim or the hero, they’re never the villain.
5. The Narcissist is staying two steps ahead. The narcissist might want you to go somewhere with them. However, while there, you might notice they’re always walking ahead of you, not willing to wait for you. Some may accuse you of being “too slow, keep up, make progress.” Yet when you get fed up with trying to keep up with them and snapback saying. “This is why I don’t want to go anywhere with you.” A narcissist will retaliate with, “I knew it would be my fault. I forget you’re perfect.” Walking ahead is a subconscious way for a narcissist to maintain control, feel dominant, feel superior, all while making you feel inferior.
6. A narcissist would rather Impress a stranger than care for their own family. You might be on a day trip out with family, the cinema, a sporting event, the countryside, the seaside. And the narcissist will be ignoring young children, Ignoring you, creating conflict between family members, walking ahead, where there’s a bunch of strangers, and the narcissist is seeming happy and jovial with them, laughing away while ignoring you.
7. Narcissists rewrite history. You can be sat with a group of friends, telling them all about something that happened to you, good or bad, and a narcissist will chime in with, “it didn’t happen like that.” So as you’re trying to have a conversation, the narcissist shall be interrupting you, shaming you “if you’re going to tell the story, at least tell it right.” possibly adding something in that makes them look good that they didn’t even do.
8. Play the victim. As narcissists don’t see themselves as the problem, they twist the story to play the victim those “oh I can’t do anything right.” to the “what about me.” when you go out with friends without them, yet due to the narcissist’s hypocrisy, those double standards, they can go out. Ask them if they have anything planned for the evening, and they’ll turn it on to you. A simple question can lead to an Almighty argument as the narcissist believes you’ve questioned their sense of superiority, their entitlement.
When you tried to tell them you were going somewhere and they kept interrupting you, suddenly when you’re going, it’s a case of. “You never told me. What am I supposed to do.”
9. Exaggerate. As narcissists are looking to impress their grandiose side, they’ll exaggerate anything they have done and things they haven’t. When impressing strangers, walking ahead, when you’re telling them about something you’ve achieved, they’ve always done one better.
10. Know it all. We all have things to learn, even in areas we already know information, growth mindset, new data, changing times. However, when it comes to a narcissist, they will know your job better than you know your own, they’ll know theirs better than anyone else, even those In the same line of work as them, they’ll claim to know you better than you know yourself. “I know what you’re like.” “do you really think you should?” “that’s just like you.” “i can read people.” They’ll even know your emotions better as a narcissist has often provoked these emotions in you, usually, their projection, if a narcissist feels criticism, they become insensitive to you, then claim “you’re too sensitive.” if they’re not getting the attention, they believe they’re entitled to, they’ll provoke jealousy within you, as you care for them, value their opinion you might ask them, to which narcissists will invalidate your feelings, your reality and just state. “You’re jealous, “ or “get over yourself already.”
11. Always has to be right. Many a narcissist will actually say to you, “you always have to be right, don’t you?” so you question and doubt yourself, simply because you didn’t agree with them, as a narcissist believes they are right, if they’re wrong, that’s your fault or someone else’s fault.
12. Shaming others. Narcissists tend to put others down so they can feel better about themselves.
A narcissist will personally attack someone to make others feel unworthy, mistaken or wrong, that somehow your behaviour isn’t right. You should change it. The narcissist will humiliate you, “everyone knows that.” when not everyone does, for a start you might not have. so the narcissist can make you feel bad, often people around don’t say anything because they don’t want to be shamed for going against the narcissist.
13. Odd gift-giving behaviour. A narcissist might lavish you with gifts in the beginning then give you nothing at all saying. “We don’t need to get each other things.” when you did in the beginning or, “what about when I brought you.” if you ask them.
A narcissist might get you something related to a hobby they enjoy that you don’t. They might even get it to fit them and not you. If you let them know it’s the wrong size, they could play the victim of “oh, I knew it wouldn’t be right.” so you feel bad for upsetting them. Or the narcissist might claim they want to spend time with you, so you go with them. The narcissist then walks ahead, talking to strangers, ignoring you, then when you try to explain your experience to them, the narcissist will react with things such as “why do you have to ruin everything.”
Then they include you in less and less to isolate you while blaming you for being “ungrateful.”
It is incredibly difficult not to take things personally that are a personal attack on us; however we have to become comfortable with who we are, so others can no longer make us feel uncomfortable for who we are.
With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life, only your way.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.