It’s ok to call a spade a spade. Just don’t tell a narc they’re a narc, at least not to their face.
Why you can not tell a narcissist that they are indeed a narcissist? Well, actually, technically speaking, you can say to the narcissist that they are a narcissist. Is this a good idea? Will this make them see what they are doing is wrong? Will this get them to change? It is a question I get asked a lot. The quick answer is, No. as most of us like to know why here’s the explanation.
We often want to do this because we either want them to know we know what they are or hope they’ll seek help and change.
Telling them never goes in the way we hope it’ll go.
1. They’ll either act superior or arrogant and believe they’re a special kind of special because they’re a narcissist.
2. They’ll deny, blame-shift and project all about how you’re the problem.
3. They’ll rage
4. They’ll look up the disorder and use it against you.
They will not have the lightbulb moment and accept responsibility for who they are.
Firstly we can not really go around diagnosing others unless qualified to do so, and we do all have the capability of acting narcissistic, especially when around narcissistic people. This doesn’t necessarily, make them a narcissist, as in having the narcissist personality disorder. We shouldn’t go around judging others or presuming things about others. However, abuse is abuse, narcissist or not, it’s abuse, and it’s unacceptable. Yet when we’ve lived through abuse by a narcissistic person. Learning about the narcissist personality disorder helps people to understand the pattern of their partners, parents, boss, siblings, and whoever the narcissist is in your life behaviour. It helps us understand why they do what they do, it helps us know that no matter what we do to help them, it’s who they are. All they’ll ever do is keep hurting us. Trained professionals can not always diagnose as a narcissist is a compulsive liar and highly skilled at manipulating those around them. The narcissist is often very good at fooling professionals. Those professionals that work with a narcissist over a period of time get to see their patterns of behaviour and know what they are dealing with. Personally, those who’ve lived the abuse, watched the patterns of behaviour, learned about the disorder are the best to understand what they are most likely dealing with. Once we know what we are dealing with, we know how to handle them if we can not do no contact.
Life is about learning, and when we don’t know about something, we don’t know. Just like a toddler learning how to walk when they don’t know how they don’t, they get up. One day learn. Part of that is seeing how others do it to learn how to do it for themselves. When we don’t know about narcissists, we don’t know, continue to try and help, often through the narcissists gaslighting, we often end up blaming ourselves. When we stumble across the narcissist personality disorder, we can begin to learn what has happened to us and what to do about it to live a happier life for us.
Some narcissists, especially narcissistic psychopaths, are extremely dangerous, so you do need to be extremely careful, and although stories can be eerily similar, the narcissist might have a disorder that makes them act very similar. They are individuals, some are just extremely negative toxic people, and this is never good to be around. Yet, those people put you down if it means you can still see other family members by not cutting them off, and you can learn why they do what they do, sit back, not letting their negativity impact your emotions and just think, ah projection, ah blame-shifting, ah the silent treatment, and no longer feed them your attention, slowly distancing your emotional connection to them. Yet do not call them out on their behaviour, as we do also have to learn to take responsibility for ourselves, take back control of our own thoughts, feelings and actions after being poised by a narcissist, by not letting others’ toxic words bring us down. It can be challenging to get our heads around, yet once achieved, when we learn not to take things personally that we wouldn’t do or say to others when we understand that the problem is with the other person and not with us when we take responsibility for our own actions and within our minds pass responsibility back to others for theirs, we become so much happier, it’s all about taking back control of our minds, our thoughts our happiness and who we are, no wrong in self-reflecting’s how we learn thinking ”were my actions wrong? Did I make a mistake.” then knowing if you did change it, if you didn’t leave it, you have every right to be who you want to be, if you have empathy towards others, if your intentions are good, if you mean well, it’s not your problem what others think about you, that is for them and not for you.
In a world where some people feel the need to put others down. The reality is somewhere along the line; they possibly lost their sense of self or never developed it, and they most likely lost their self-esteem. All people then have a choice. Everyone gets some form of knockbacks in life, everyone has outside situations, everyone gets hurt, and everyone makes a mistake. However, everyone has a choice to live a joyful, healthy living, to love themselves for who they are, looking for the good, learn from mistakes, leave the errors in the past and take the lessons with them. There are so many hurt people that help people. The choice to be negative, have toxic self-love to stay stuck in pain, stay in anger and resentment. Those hurt people might (not always.) try to bring others down to make themselves feel better, which ultimately makes them feel worse. Unless they break the cycle, they will hit a pattern of repeat, never learning, never growing, destroying others and eventually themselves.
No one has the right to bring others down.
At the same time, your beliefs are for you, and how people want to live their lives is for them. This does not give anyone the right to harm another, and we need to learn our boundaries and boundaries are for you. Whatever they are for you and your life, they are yours. If by saying yes to someone else, it means you’re saying no to yourself, it needs to be a no, as when we say yes to others for things we don’t want to do, just to please them and keep them happy, Hoping they will like us, this only manifests negative emotions within ourselves, especially when the person we say yes to, never or rarely say yes to us. We have to learn to be ourselves, and if people like us for who we are, great. If not, they are not the people we need within our life. We have to learn to distance ourselves from those who want to see us fail, also learn the difference between those who believe they are helping when they don’t think so we can do something because they don’t want to see us hurt if we fail, and those who simply don’t want us achieving something. Sometimes people’s ideas are a little out there, especially if we can not see it.
Just like the light bulb itself, if someone had spoken about the light bulb years before it was invented, they would have been laughed at by many, doubted by many. Those who simply thought it was impossible, yet Thomas Edison had an imagination, an idea, and he invented the lightbulb with the fantastic self-thought process of.
“I haven’t failed — I’ve just found 10,000 that won’t work.” “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.”
I’m not saying we don’t give up on a narcissist and keep trying. As someone who is abusive towards you mentally or physically, you need to distance yourself from safely.
I’m saying use your imagination, don’t worry what others say, and I’m not saying everyone become an inventor, you have to live your life doing what’s right for you, and whatever that dream is for you, never let others put you off, no matter how hard it is keep going if you can see someone doing something you’d like to, know that it’s possible for you. Hard work, perseverance, willpower and determination will get you through. Never give up on yourself, who you are, or who you want to be.
Abuse is never your fault when you’re trying to be the right person. At the same time, they slowly manipulate you. This is on them. They took advantage of your kind nature. They exploited you. They are a con-artist who commits fraud against others by manipulating, fooling and tricking genuine people so that the narcissist can take advantage of them. Again some narcissist psychopaths and sociopaths can be extremely dangerous, so always put your safety first.
Unfortunately, the narcissist is a very real part of our society, so we have to learn, either no contact, grey Rock, level up for the ones that are currently in our lives. We have to learn our boundaries, how to say no, and discover who we indeed are, so toxic people can not bring us down in our present or future, learning to observe people, not absorb, to not rush in and genuinely get to know someone, our self worth, our self-love, and our self-trust, listening to our instincts whether we understand what they are telling us or not, as they are usually right, and when we think to those times around a narcissist that something felt off. Yet, we had no idea what, so completely ignored it and carried on, be grateful you learned what your instincts are.
I say be grateful as it’s straightforward to look upon all the negative, hurtful things that have happened. Some are to the extremes. I know some of the things I went through were hideous. The stories I hear from others are genuinely heartbreaking, yet when we stay stuck in the past, we carry the past into our future, and this will not serve us. We have to let the past go, leave it where it belongs and move on to our future, we also have to switch our mindset to looking for the good, looking to those things we can be grateful for, those things that make us blessed, and this can be extremely challenging, especially when left homeless with nothing, the thing is, when we stay locked in the past when we remain locked on the negative, the narcissist still has power and control over our minds.
Anxiety is real, depression is real, CPTSD is real, trauma Bonding is real, the only way to break these is by working on ourselves, and as we are individuals, it’s about finding what works for you. You might find it the first time around, yet while we dwell on the negatives, it’s not going to help us heal. Yes, people can have done some of the most damaging hurtful things to us, and how you want to feel is how you want to feel, yet are you happy feeling hatred? Are you happy wanting revenge? As wanting revenge is keeping your mind locked on them and not you, the best revenge is, finding your happiness, and once you find it, you know why this is best.
People want to call a narcissist out for a few reasons that I’ve come across so far.
As people love and care for the narcissist due to object consistency (meaning even when there is conflict or distance, you still care for another.) or empathy, because you care and want others to be happy, or trauma Bonding, when you just want the person who hurts you the most to wake up, see what they are doing and be the person you love. We often can think that if the narcissist can just see what they are doing, they will learn and stop.
This will not work, they have a disorder, and even if they found ways to cope, they would need to do so much inner-self work to change. Yet, they do not see themselves as a problem. People who go around blaming all others do not see what they might need to change within themselves. Most healthy people blame themselves for long enough around a narcissist. It’s hard enough changing our thinking and understanding of what happened. People can always offer advice. Those seeking a better life will listen, take the things that resonate with them and try until they find what works for them. A narcissist is not listening to you. They’re not interested in your feelings or opinions. They’re just doing whatever is necessary to take what they want from you.
With all their abusive, toxic, hurtful ways, we just want them to see what they are doing to us and to others. Again this will not work, as they don’t see themselves as the problem, they are not interested in listening. With a narcissist, unless it’s about them in a good way, they’re not interested in listening.
When someone has been so abusive, we want them to acknowledge what they have done, show us they care, apologise for their hurtful way, recognise what they do to others and then stop doing it. This also will not work. Someone who lacks in empathy doesn’t have the emotional understanding to care for your thoughts or feelings. They will not stop. It’s hard enough getting control of ourselves when we blame ourselves. As a narcissist blames all others, they are in the mindset that you are the one who needs to change. So it then becomes a battle of wills, a narcissist who always believes they are right and you are wrong, and you who believes if they can just see what they do, you can help, and even those who can see, don’t have the empathy to care for what they do to you.
It’s an incredible feeling to learn after everything you’ve been through there is a reason behind it, and those lightbulb moments hit one by one. The narcissist personality disorder gives you so much clarity. As a caring person, you might think you’ve found the answers and want to let them know. Yes, you’ve found the answers for yourself. You can put reality back together and rebuild your life, give yourself that closure. However, you can not share with them. A thing someone on the Disorder hates is criticism. They feel superior, so to be told they have a disorder, they feel in control and above all others, so to be told they have a disorder, they feel they are ‘perfect.’ So to be told they have a disorder. It is not something most narcissists will accept, and as most never take responsibility and blame those around them, they will shift it all onto you.
Those with narcissistic personalities do not see themselves as a problem, and we can all be problematic. We even stand in our own way and, through self-doubt or fear, cause problems within our own lives by standing in our own way. Yet, most people can work through those if they wish to do so.
So should you call a narcissist out on their personality? The easy answer is a question, what happened when you have previously called them out on their behaviour? Projection, gaslighting, silent treatments, if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t, blame-shifting. If you try to tell a narcissist, they are a narcissist, they’re just going to call you the narcissist, they’re just going to bring you down, twist the story, use it in their smear campaigns against you.
When you try to let them know they are a narcissist, they are going to hit rage, and some, not all, are extremely dangerous, which isn’t a place you want to put yourself. Once we understand the disorder, so many want to bring it to the narcissists’ attention. For some, it’s to try and achieve the impossible that others haven’t, the narcissist to see what they do, to accept responsibility for their actions and to stop hurting you, and as lovely as this would be, it’ll not happen. All the methods people have tried so far, including professionals, have not worked, including professionals that have been attempting to help them tactfully.
When you tell a narcissist, they are a narcissist. They will twist it all onto you. They’ll probably add it into their own smear campaign against you, doing all they can to hurt you. You’re not going to get honest answers or apologies from a narcissist. It’s just not in their nature. When you call them out on any behaviour, most will make your life worse, so calling them a narcissist and trying to explain to them most will make your life worse. If you’re not in that place where you don’t feel the need to call them out, you will be the one that ends up feeling worse.
The best outcome and the best way to get justice on a narcissist is by learning to protect yourself. Your children or others around them, by slowly learning not to respond or react to their behaviour, by observing what they are doing and no longer playing their games, when you start to pull away, they might up their toxic games to get a reaction from you, or they might begin to re idolise you to draw you back in—slowly distancing yourself from their negative toxic behaviour towards you while working on a new much happier life for you.
Should you call a narcissist a narcissist? No, those who have, please let me know what reaction you received in the comments to help others.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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I sent my ex a text saying he was a gaslighter and narcissist after being with him for 24 years. This was about 2 years ago. I seeked counselling and blocked him completely. I even sent him an article saying he had done everything what it said to me. We had never lived together, had children, never spent a whole weekend together in all that time. Not one Christmas, New years. He never came to any functions or my family get togethers. I never met any of his family. The list goes on and on.
After a year I felt like I had healed and unblocked him for some unknown reason. I really did not think he would get in touch and if he did I felt strong enough to resist him.
not long after I unblocked him he got in touch. He actually said he was sorry for being a narcissist and gaslighter. He would see counselling then us go to counselling. H head brought a house for 1.5 million – my dream home not far away. He would do whatever it took. He wanted me in his life. I told him I wanted commitment. 2 weeks after he got me back he sold the house. I never even seen it. He started seeing a counsellor. About 2 months ago he said seeing the counsellor made him realise he has a fear of commitment and no he doesn’t really want to settle down with me. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t in the future. I asked if I could see the counsellor with him. He said if I went with him he would stop seeing him. He liked it just how it was. I just needed to wait. He said he would help me buy a house so I could have some sort of commitment.That changed from half to 250000 to 75000. When he has a 200000 sports car as a toy. I told him that was a kick in the guts after all the time we had been together.
The fighting was just awful. He told me to stop feeling sorry for myself that he couldn’t give me commitment. But we can still be friends. He said you are my best friend. I told him he had no idea how he had destroyed me.
So I have to start the healing process all over again. So even if a narcissist owns up to being one? It is just another tool in their bag of tricks to fool you so they can use you again.
Well, after so much gaslighting, lies, mental and sexual abuse, one day I was trying to explain why his girlfriend’s daughter was against him, and tried to explain it is easier to him to think as a teenager than the opposite because she would never understand his actions, I mentioned empathy and the concept was totally alien to him. I explained that, because he is a narcissist, he would not get it and he looked a little proud. After around 5 years, I managed to end the friendship (we share friends tough, and live in a small town) and to this day, every time he tries to “conquer” me again, but I turn the conversation and keep my business cool as a cucumber totally ignoring his presence (it gives me some pleasure, even knowing its not making him miss any sleeping nights) but I managed to cut personal ties at maximum. I can’t totally erase him, but I avoid parties and places I know he would attend and even feeling more solitary, I am way better than dealing with his evil behavior – don’t think because he has a condition, the person is totally ignorant about what they are causing you, they are aware, they just don’t care about it.