What do narcissists fear?
We are human, so we all have our fears, including those with the disorder. A narcissist is afraid of a few things. The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, so it varies for each one what their fears are and how severe their fears are. Narcissists will project their fears onto you, and often after any form of a relationship with one, you can end up fearing these things. There is a big difference. Often they have gone into fight survival mode and seek to destroy people, blaming all others. In contrast, you most like to have gone into freeze or fawn and want to help others.
A narcissist’s anger and rage are often driven by fear of being exposed; they feel threatened; your anger towards a narcissist is often through being provoked, exploited, hurt, or put down by them.
Fears of a narcissist.
When they get laughed at.
They can not stand it when people make fun of them. When people laugh at them, they take it as criticism. They may laugh at others for tripping over as they have a lack of empathy for others. They enjoy the discomfort others feel as they view people as objects. They can not handle others laughing at them, as they believe they are special, that they are perfect and above all others. They hate criticism. With their double standards, they’ll happily criticise you, they will laugh at you, they will put you down, make you doubt yourself and your abilities, yet even if you try giving them constructive criticism, or they just perceived something you said or did as criticism, they can not stand it. People don’t like being criticised, whereas people not on the disorder might look internally. Question themselves, or learn to recognise how it says more about the person putting them down than it ever says about themselves, and yes, it can hurt.
In contrast, a narcissist will see this as the other person must be punished. This can cause a push-pull within the relationship. It can get people questioning if they are the narcissist. If you’re asking that, no, your not. Also, as negativity breeds negativity, we can pick up toxic traits off toxic people to try and protect ourselves against them, often then isolating ourselves from good people.
Abandonment and rejection.
Their fear of abandonment is why if they haven’t got someone lined up as your replacement, they will threaten, manipulate and fly into rages or re-idealise￼￼ if you question the relationship. They will love bomb you, as they can think you’re rejecting the false self they’ve spent so much time putting together. Their false self cannot survive on its own, and it is actually dependent on using other people. They will fight not to be alone because they can not stand to be around their own emptiness; they will try to destroy others just to feel better within themselves.
Insecurities can cause most people to fear abandonment or being alone. Self-doubt and lack of confidence can also make people fear rejection, where people not on the disorder might hold onto someone who is bad for them for fear of loneliness, a narcissist holds on so they can be the one to reject and abandon the person, a narcissist will hold on just long enough until they can discard at the worst possible moment and move straight on.
Narcissists can be extremely sensitive, but that sensitivity is only for themselves to feel and see about themselves. They are not sensitive, understanding or empathetic to other people’s needs or feelings, only ever their own.
They can not stand being ignored. This is why they usually have backup people around. So they can get what they need from others. While trying to destroy you because you disrespected them by ignoring them, they would rather be hated than ignored.
Where most healthy people don’t want to be ignored or ignore others, why going no contact can leave you with feelings of guilt as we want to be liked, be able to communicate and compromise with others, want to end any conflict and any pain. Whereas a narcissist often lacks in object consistency, so if they perceive that someone has criticised them in any way, they will not care for that person and go for the silent treatment. Yet, as they feel entitled and superior, as they require attention from others if someone falls silent and ignores the narcissist, this angers a narcissist deeply. They will often up their games to get negative attention.
No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do. They believe that they are above all others and that they are right. If they are wrong, they will rewrite history within their minds to escape accountability, blame shift any responsibility. As they perceive themselves to be perfect, nothing is their fault. It’s always someone else’s. They will lie after lie to protect their lies which often slowly become their truths.
Being exposed. We are all imperfectly perfect, we all make mistakes, we all make errors in judgment, we all learn, and we all grow. We all have a flaws. It makes us who we are, no baby just talks perfectly from day one, and even when we learn to speak, we all communicate differently. We are individuals. Most people encourage and support each other. However, a narcissist will find all your strengths and weaknesses and put you down over each and everyone to make themselves feel better. They need to be seen as perfect by others. One way for them to do this is by instilling so much fear and self-doubt in those around them, smear the names of those once close to them, so they can be the hero who tried to save the day, the victim who needs support, they will never be wrong, and they will never be the villain.
Most people don’t like being disrespected, yet with a narcissist, you don’t even have to disrespect them for them to take it as criticism. All you need is a difference of opinion, and they can fly off the handle, as they believe they are better than you, they are in charge, and no one should think differently to them.
Growing old and death. They have a deep fear of the loss of youth, and somatic narcissist fears this the most.
They fear death, as this is the complete loss of the narcissist self.
Most of these fears boil down to their false self and a deep fear of exposure. They use gaslighting, manipulation, lies and violence; they do not want to be held accountable for their own actions. They love to project their own imperfections onto you.
They make it, so you live in a world of smoke and mirrors, and you no longer know what is real and what isn’t. Being around a narcissist can cause cognitive dissonance within your mind, leaving you feeling like you are going crazy.
Step away from their games and no longer play, learn what they are, what they do, and see that they enjoy provoking reactions from you, lower your expectations of others, yet keep your standards high of behaviour you will and will not accept. Everything has an opposite, happy/sad, Up/down, left/right. Good and bad, it’s ok to see the good in everybody. It’s also ok to see the bad in people, yet don’t overlook the bad in those who repeatedly let you down, hurt you, blame you, discredit your feelings and keep showing you they do not care. Instead, focus on you and who you want to be. You’re allowed emotions. You’re permitted good moments and bad moments. You’re allowed to process each one. You’re allowed to be you. Look at what you do want from life, then take action to achieve it for you.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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