Leaving a toxic partner.
If you are starting to realise that something isn’t right within your relationship. That some behaviours you’ve accepted as normal and adjusted who you are and your life to suit them. Or never really truly knew who you were.
The reality of the life you’ve been living and the reality that you can make it better, you’re now thinking. “I must break free, but how do I break free?”
These thoughts can keep you entangled with a narcissist for years, and it’s all about how the narcissist has managed to take control of you through putting that fear into you.
A little bit of fear is healthy in day to day life, and rational fear actually helps you instinctively protect yourself from harm. With the narcissist, they have manipulated and programmed your mind through threats, anger, rage, taking away your self-esteem through their gaslighting, blame-shifting and projection, getting you to question your actions and your motives.
To face reality, we have to understand when breaking free from narcissistic people. There will not be one or two obstacles to set yourself free. There is many. You are not alone in this. Just focus on the first steps to getting out.
“Looking at the whole task can put us off starting, achieve one thing at a time, and stay focused on the outcome you want.”
So now is the time to break down those obstacles fear is putting in your way, how they control you through fear and actions you can take to break free.
What makes the narcissist want to manipulate and control you?
Those on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum, as you might be aware by now, feel entitled, superior, envious, and they need attention to dominate and be in control by exploiting others. To name a few, and they use lots of tactics, traits and manipulation to achieve this, they use a pattern of idealisation, devalue, discard, hoover.
They wear what most say is a false mask most of the time as they use others to fabricate a false sense of self. They need this false self to avoid taking responsibility and avoid their actual reality, which is that they themselves and their own lives are out of control, they are flawed, they don’t have authentic connections with others, they don’t feel loved, and they have deficient levels of empathy with some having no compassion.
To keep control of their own lives and their false reality, they need targets to use as supply to validate their false selves. This is an addiction to them, and this is how they fill their human needs of love and connection, certainty, uncertainty, contribution, significance and growth. They negatively do them all. Therefore, they never truly grow, only temporarily then they are back at the start, trying to run from the shame and not get found out for who they indeed are—doing their best to avoid any consequences for their hurtful actions towards those around them.
They idealise people to start. They mirror you, manipulate you into believing you’ve found the one, give you false hope of a future. You then shower them with positivity. They return this often in grand amounts. This is how they start your addiction to them.
They devalue people when they realise you’re not perfect at taking care of their every demand, their every wants and needs that they themselves don’t understand what they want and need. They’re envious, so they always want more. They take manipulation to a different level to remain in control over you. They don’t care for positive or negative attention, just attention, so they feel superior, protecting their false selves.
The best revenge on a narcissist and the best healing for you, without causing harm to others, is to cut off your supply of emotions and attention. Leave them to themselves and focus on your own life.
They will discard people often in cruel ways when the narcissist no longer feels a need for that person, often coming back for the hoover to take back their control.
Fear is one of the biggest reasons people stay trapped in a narcissistic relationship of any kind. How do they do this?
As the narcissist’s abuse continues, be it physically, psychological, emotional, mental and also sexual. You might start to realise something isn’t right and begin to resist. The narcissist might then offer intermittent reinforcement and play nice, blame shift and project, so you look inwards, blame yourself and work harder to please. Making you question the abuse and. “If only I didn’t, they wouldn’t.” Mindset.
NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED, you were never the problem, and you should have never been treated this way.
The more you resist, the more they’ll use their manipulation tactics. They’ll escalate it further, including threats of. Harming you, harming those around you, or no one will love you, who’d want you? You’re crazy. No one will believe you.
This is untrue, and you need to reprogram your mind that you most certainly are not crazy, you are more than lovable, and people will believe you.
Our survivor instincts are, fight, flight, freeze or fawn, yet when we fight back with these kinds of people, it’s always turned around in a manipulative way to be our fault, and we get punished, when we take flight, we are made to feel guilty, they pull out all the charm, and with the trauma bond, we get sucked straight back in. So most of us go for freeze and stay clinging on to the hope we can change. We can help when they come with the pity plays. And then we fawn, and we submit all our beliefs, opinions, values and boundaries over to them. It might seem like the easy option, yet as you most likely know, giving up on yourself, hopes, dreams, and vision. To suit someone who’s unable and unwilling to have their own, to love and care for you makes your life hard. It is not an easy option.
You end up stuck and trapped in fear of do I stay and be miserable or do I go. Some of the fears of leaving are.
- What the narcissist might do to you.
- Loss of family life.
- Loss of children.
- Fear of judgment from others.
- Loss of employment, any friends or family you have left through the narcissists smear campaigns.
- Financial hardship.
- Loss of home.
- Escalated violence and the games they play.
- The fear of no longer knowing who you are and reality.
- You’ve been fed lies that you’re not good enough, and your subconscious believes the narcissist’s words.
And so many more. These doubts and fears are scary, and some are real things you have to face. You know you need to face them and break free. It can be overwhelming, others have done it, and you can too, one step at a time. It’s time to face those fears, jump over them one by one and rebuild your life into a much more positive happier future.
Dealing with fear.
The fear is real and normal, you are far from alone, and you don’t need to do it alone.
The narcissist controls people through fear, and you can not wait to overcome this. You have to take safe actioned steps.
Remember, don’t fear things you’re imagining to happen in your future. It’ll only keep you trapped in your past.
Living in daily fear can be temporary. If you face your fears, walk straight through them and break free. Or stay and continue to live in fear.
Choose your pain wisely. The pain of staying is long term; the pain of leaving is temporary if you continue to work on yourself.
You have a decision, you have a choice, change one thing, and it will change everything, make that change action it and stick to it.
How to leave an abusive partner.
1. Evaluate the risks, so you can take action to avoid those risks.
2. Create an action plan.
3. Seek professional help.
- Evidence is vital for future, take photos, keep a diary of dates, keep text messages, record anything as evidence of the abusive partner’s behaviour. Store on a password protected USB. You can hide, send to a new email address and, delete all evidence, store it with friends. If they have cameras watching you, don’t do anything that would risk your safety to get proof.
- Try to gather important documents, passports, birth certificates, bank accounts info, do this last if you believe they might notice.
- Domestic abuse helplines in your area. Suppose you don’t have friends or family to go to, to find a safe refuge.
- Try to research on devices the abuser can not get access to. Public libraries, friends devises.
- Delete browser history.
- Try to gather any money you can, again safely.
- Get support, friends, family, police, online groups, domestic violence agencies. There are people who’ve lived it, made it out, Understand and want to help best they can.
- Get a copy of the car and house keys stored where the abuser doesn’t know.
- Try to gather only sentimental items safely, and only if there is a safe way to do so.
- Do not leave in the heat of an argument.
- Do not tell them directly.
- Know exactly where you are going once you leave.
- Leave during a safe window of time. When the abuser isn’t around, don’t leave a note.
- Change your phone if needed.
- Go straight to your place of safety.
- Don’t let people know who might talk to your abuser know where you are.
- Change all your passwords.
- Call the police when needed.
- Get a restraining order, protection order or a non-molestation order.
Others have got out safely before you, and you can also get out safely. Once you’ve taken this step which is the most important, you can start working on yourself and your life again.
Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
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All about the narcissist Online course.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
What keeps people trapped in an abusive relationship?
Fight, flight, freeze or fawn.