Overcoming Narcissistic abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The narcissist will blame shift any problems onto you and make out it’s all your fault, to escape accountability, gaslighting you and leaving you questioning what actually happened and believing that it’s your fault. To project and faults within themselves or their own actions onto you.
This form of mental abuse that causes cognitive dissonance within our own minds, as we are living one reality with our beliefs around that reality, to be continually told a different reality, which as most narcissists do not self-reflect to look at themselves and genuinely believe all others are at fault, they make these statements as their facts and tell them with such honesty and truth behind it, we are the ones left questioning ourselves.
They blame shift, to remain in control, as they believe they are superior, they believe they are right, and they believe it’s always someone else’s fault, so they exploit others to meet their own agenda, to stay superior and to further manipulate you into questioning your own sanity.
They will never accept true responsibilities. They will only falsely apologise if they believe they have something to gain by doing so. Which they will only do on a temporary basis, as they believe that you actually made them apologise for something they didn’t do, as soon as they’ve won you around with their intermittent reinforcement of play nice, they will soon be back to plain old nasty and most often worse than before. Whatever they have done, they will always point the finger at someone else. As we can see and look for their nice side, as we have lived with their nice side, all the blame-shifting leads our minds into questioning ourselves.
They will also blame shift, to receive your astonishing response and emotional reactions, sometimes if they can provoke you just enough to get a reaction from you, as you want to defend your truth, it hits our emotion of anger. The more we defend ourselves, the more they will twist and turn the conversation to gain those reactions from us, so they can the. Avoid the truth of what caused any disagreement in the first place, and focus it all on your behaviour afterwards. Some even go to the extent of filming you, rightly looking crazy, to show others, to show police, friends, family, social media, yet they will never film what led up to you’re emotional outburst as that would show the truth and the full story, they want to manipulate others into believing their version of events only.
”you’re too sensitive” this is so you slowly think you are overacting, and over time stop questioning them on things as you doubt yourself the same happens when they answer with. ”your overreacting.” so you question if you are and stop questioning the very person that’s making you feel this way. Slowly taking over your thoughts, and where you own thinking used to be, you’re left full of self-doubt.
“Deal with it.” To them, they are in control. They do not have a problem if you do that’s yours so you need to go and deal with it as they’ll not do so. Also so in future you try to just get on with it and not go to them for help, as when you do, you end up feeling stupid, angry or upset. Also, as you care about them and have often been led to believe it’s your fault, you often end up running around dealing with whatever drama they have caused to try and bring back the peace.
“What do you expect me to do about that.” Using this they are blaming no one, yet stating it’s nothing to do with them and they’re not willing to do anything about it and not interested, often leaving you frustrated, or hurt. They expect you to clean up after them, with everything they do, they will tell you how amazing they are and all the things they can do, yet after the love-bombing phase, they’ll no longer be interested in doing anything for you.
They happily sit around, while you run around after them, the children, the house, paying the bills, taking care of any pets, they may chip in now and again so they can use them. ” I did that last month, why are you so ungrateful.”
“It was your fault.” Most often they’ll not even explain as to why it was your fault, them being late, them cheating on you, it’ll just be one of the. “You made me do it.” They might sometimes say things like. “If you would have done this, then I wouldn’t have had to.” Whatever they’ve been caught out In doing. It’ll be “that wasn’t me.” Or “you’re imagining things.” Or “you made me do it.” As they will never be accountable for their own actions, and to lose any feelings of shame from being caught out, they’ll pass the blame over to you. If they smash a plate, it’ll be your fault, because of something you said or did, something you didn’t cook right, you didn’t serve them first.
If they give you any form of explanation as to why it’s your fault, it’s to leave you feeling bewildered and annoyed.
“You’re crazy.” Again so you question your own mind. Along with. “That didn’t happen.” And “I never told you that.” With a “you’re insane.” Or “you need a mental evaluation.” In the hope, you do actually believe it’s you, and at some point most of us do, some will even go as far as to look good by getting you to the doctor and on antidepressants. Or “you’re losing your mind.” So they can get you to the psychiatrist. Then play the victim and get support from those around them, when they discard you. They then don’t feel shame, as they’ll have smeared your name to those around you. Everyone is left believing you’ve gone mad, and feeling sorry for and helping the narcissists as they believe the narcissist did all they could try to help you. Not realising it was the narcissist that drove you that way.
“Why do you spoil everything.” They are paranoid and believe you’re out to get them if they ruined an event or an occasion, they will find a way to provoke you, until you react and then blame you for causing the problem in the first place, often leaving you, believing that you were at fault. If they damage property or put their fist through doors or walls, you’ll have in some way made them do it, and it’ll be your fault.
“Why do you have to make everything so difficult.” This is when you’ve started to realise who and what they are, started creating boundaries and saying no, you’ll get things like. “Why are you being difficult.” And “Why do you have to be so awkward.” In reality, your sticking to who you are. Your truths and how you want to live. Yet they want to break you down, make you give in, and they want that power and control back over you. They want you back in a trance doing everything their way.
No, I didn’t.” They did, but they’ll never admit to something they did.
“If you hadn’t.” Finding fault with you, so again the original question isn’t answered, and you’re left wondering about your own actions.
“If you looked after me more, I wouldn’t go elsewhere.” Even though they’ve cheated on you, if you ask again about the affair, they’ll just respond with something like. “I’ve already told you why.” Again getting you to question yourself and try harder to please.
“It’s only messages at least I’m not cheating.” They probably are cheating, but they’ll not admit that. They are definitely looking for a new source of supply.
“You’re overreacting.” Actually no you’re not, and no you haven’t. They again just want to shift attention off themselves.
“I love you.” They don’t even know how to love themselves, let alone others, they just want to use you for whatever you’ve got that they want or need.
“That didn’t happen.” Yes, it did they just enjoy rewriting history and watching you doubt yourself more.
“That wasn’t my fault.” It was totally their fault, but remember, they can not be accountable.
“I’m going here with xy and z tonight. I told you last week.” Nope, they didn’t tell you, again they just want to confuse you. Sometimes they may be going where they say. There will be those times they might want you to pick them up. Most of the time, it’s just more lies.
“If you hadn’t, then I wouldn’t.” They probably got you so down, so you reacted, then they blamed you. Again all to mess with your mind.
“If you loved me, you would.” Guilt trip to break down your boundaries.
“They’re only a friend, you read to much into everything.” No, actually you don’t, your instinct is telling you something if they have narcissist traits, or abuse you, run for the hills and never look back.
“That’s just like you.” When you’ve found your boundaries, and you’re sticking to them.
“You need a mental evaluation.” No, you just need to get away from the narcissist, heal and recover.
“You’re selfish.” Again no you’re not selfish, they just want their own way and you to do, as they say, stick to your own boundaries.
“You’re to hung up on your past relationships.” Well if you’ve dated a few narcissists that could be true, either way, your instinct is telling you to run.
“I’d never hurt you.” Nope, they’ll just steal your mind, heart and health, possibly your home and children, then walk into the sunset with someone new, but to the narcissist, it’ll be all your fault.
Your mindset is key, they are not in charge of you, your life or who you want to be, so if they’re trying to confuse you, and you know exactly what happened, look inward to yourself and give yourself the answer, do not respond or react to them, they will not suddenly say “oh yes sorry you are correct.” They just keep going for an argument or change the situation into something you’ve not done or how crazy you are. You have to learn to look to yourself and leave them be in their own false reality.
You do not have to defend yourself or rationalise to the narcissist. This is only giving them more reactions and more ammunition to use against you, keeping their control over you and your mind, just know what you know and leave them be, the only person you need to answer to is yourself.
George Bernard Shaw.
“Never wrestle with pigs, you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
If you say. “It was like this”, and they say “you are wrong.”
If you have to respond. “That’s ok I know you and I think differently, my opinion is for me and yours is for you.” Then leave it at that.
Always remain calm and always remain firm with your own beliefs.
It like if they want to believe 2+2 is 10. They truly want to believe it. It’s who they are. It’s not your job to change their mind. It’s your job to walk away and leave them be.
Any form of communication with a narcissist is a game to them, there is no middle ground and no compromise, it’s their way, or you will be punished way, to them they must win at all cost, and you must lose.
Leave them with their own mindset, as they only want to argue and drag you under with them.
You need firm boundaries of what you will and will not accept from them. Your NO needs to mean NO.
Any given situation when they believe they can get one over on you, they will pounce and do it, so you have to stick with, non-emotional to the point, businesslike responses.
You have to relearn your own values and beliefs system, build up your self-esteem and no longer let the narcissists affect you.
They will also use triangulation to gaslighting you. “Even they think you’re crazy. Everyone thinks your unreasonable.”
Again you must stick to your own thoughts, and your own beliefs, whoever they’re saying has spoken about you in that way probably hasn’t, the narcissist is trying to trick you. If they have, they are under the narcissist’s spell, have been fed countless lies about you and are just another one of the narcissists flying monkeys.
Narcissist have a lack of awareness about themselves, about others feeling and about reality, they can not accept other opinions or points of view, they have to remain in control, most are extremely good at lying and blame-shifting, so you have to learn not to react as it only gives them more to use against you, often leaving you more frustrated, more confused and more lost, the less you converse with these people, the happier you will become.
To become free, you need to understand the narcissist, just wants your emotional reactions, and wants to keep control over your life and keep your mind all over, with them constantly in your thoughts.
You do not and can not control what they think, or what they do. You can not change them into a happier better person, you can, however, learn to leave them be, let them do what they do, you can learn to ignore them, create a new much happier life for you, you can learn not to react.
The less reaction they get them more likely they are to leave you alone, they may try to up their games, as long as you continue not to play, they should eventually leave you alone, instead of reacting to them, put that time and effort into yourself, the more they don’t get reactions from you the sooner the leave you alone and the smear campaigns will die down. If you’re dealing with a sociology or psychopath, then no contact of the best method.
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