Why does a narcissist have children?
Narcissists like to repackage their inner shame as a false dream, not only to fake the future for those around them but also to fake the future within themselves.
They could have children for several reasons, none of which are in the child’s best interest.
A narcissist that wants children often wants a child as they rely on you, wanting that happy ever after, wanting you to keep the family unit together. Male or female narcissists believe they can keep you hooked longer if you have a child together. A narcissist also thinks they have a higher chance of the hoover ( trying to get back together with you after you’ve left, or they left you.) if you have a child together.
With a male narcissist, when the female is pregnant, most can not handle it because the narcissist is no longer the priority. They are no longer getting their needs met or requirements of excessive attention. Everyone is now running around after the female, which causes considerable criticism to the narcissist, so a lot will up and leave during the actual pregnancy, often returning after the child is born, but not always. Did you hear the phrase?
“You are my capsule.”
“I’ve chosen you to have my child.”
Some narcissists will pretend to look after the female when pregnant, either because the pregnancy falls in the idealisation stage of the relationship, and the narcissist wants to play hero, or they are the ones that are protecting their interest, which is the child. These narcissists will often be the ones who wish to win full custody of the child when the relationship breaks down but not always.
The female narcissist uses having children for similar reasons, to trap the male to them and always have a pawn to use to draw the male back to them.
Having a child in the narcissist’s mind is just increasing the chance of winning the game of chess with the child as a pawn and the narcissist as a King or Queen. Also, if the narcissist is struggling for a source of supply for a new intimate partner, they know they can pick the child up to use and gain positive or negative attention from. Then when the narcissist meets a new partner, they often, yet not always, ignore the child. Sometimes they will use children to meet partners. Some narcissists will use the child to play the look at me. I’m a great parent. Let’s have a child-together card.
Having a child to a narcissist is a.
1. An illusion to serve themselves.
2. A feel-good story about themselves.
3. Painting themselves into victim mode, when the other parent will not let them see the child or hero mode, as they saved the child from the supposed ’crazy parent.’
4. Creates, for a short time, a distance of brokenness within themselves. This can not last for them as they have not healed their inner trauma. They just cause trauma to those around them.
The narcissist that purposely wants to have children does not have a child to make the child feel loved, safe or cherished. It’s always about the narcissist meeting their own needs.
So they can re-package their own shame and possibly their personal childhood trauma, which they are usually oblivious to. The narcissist lives in a fantasy that never becomes a long-lasting reality. To the narcissist, they themselves are the best and most important person.
When they think about having a child, it’s all about an illusion of serving themselves. They can make up a story to themselves about why they are such a good parent. Some can and will act to outsiders like they are great parents and will tell anyone who’ll listen that they are. Having a child for a narcissist allows them to experience artificial love, attention and validation so that the narcissist can hide from their insecurities.
Having a child that behaves for the narcissist and hangs on the narcissist’s every word, the narcissist sees that child as an extension of themselves, often creating the golden child. The golden child primarily acts how the narcissistic parent wants.
Children who go against the narcissist will be blamed for ruining the narcissist’s dream life. This usually creates the scapegoat child.
As a narcissist lacks empathy, a narcissistic parent cannot be unconditional, empathetic or loving to their child. The narcissist can not genuinely care for the child, not in the same ways those with empathy do. A narcissist can only act like they do when it meets a need of their own.
The narcissist simply tells themselves a story that makes them feel important.
The narcissist feels powerful, like a god for creating life.
The vindictive narcissistic parent.
Usually, because of the judgement they had as a child of being a troublemaker, they felt like they were a disappointment to their own parents, so they can now show everyone how wrong they were about them because they are perfect parents. They will pour attention into the child to prove everyone wrong; however, this is usually when people are watching. It’s not about the child. It never is. The narcissist is meeting their own needs, all so the narcissist can show the world look at me now; I’m a top parent. Yet when no one is looking, they often neglect their own child.
They think a child will heal them from the pain of their own childhood.
They think having a child will show the world how perfect they are. They feel they are superior and better parents than those around them.
They have a child, so someone finally needs them. The narcissist believes a child will always need them, always love them and always take care of them, and never abandon them.
They get a chance to be the parent they never had.
The opposite narcissistic parent.
“My parents never took me to dance or football.” You may have heard that pity play from a narcissist. They will overcompensate and push their own childhood dreams onto their child, not taking into account the child’s wants, needs or wishes.
Not every parent who wants to take their children to activities is a narcissist, and most do it out of love for the child to discover what the child likes to do. The child’s passion. A narcissist forces theirs onto their children.
The narcissist sees the child as an extension of themselves, and they now feel powerful and immortal through the child. To the narcissist, a child will carry on the family legacy. For men, the child will carry the family name on.
What can happen to the children of a narcissist?
Children often adapt themselves to fit the narcissist’s needs.
A child being abused by their parent often doesn’t stop loving their parent; they stop loving themselves.
The child adapts to the narcissist to get love. The child will either try to fill the role of whatever the narcissist wants from the child at any given moment to get CONDITIONAL love from their parents. The golden child will often do all they can to please their parent, or a child will go against the narcissist, the scapegoat child. The narcissist classes the scapegoat child as a bad child.
Both the scapegoat and golden child receive manipulation, and both can experience attachment trauma.
The narcissist will not care for the golden child, yet they will treat the child better than the scapegoat, the child that makes the narcissist look good by conforming to the narcissist’s demands. That child who often obeys also feels responsible for making their parents happy. They will learn tricks of the parent to keep the parent looking happy, and they will never take the spotlight away from the parent. A child of a narcissist can be used as the Golden Child, the scapegoat child or the forgotten child. Depending on the narcissist’s needs at any given time, a narcissist can also cycle around all three with one child.
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Narcissistic parents’ traits can cause attachment trauma within the child.
Narcissist traits – a child’s trauma.
The grandiosity in a narcissistic parent can leave a child feeling that they just cannot do anything right. This starts as a young child and then is often carried into adulthood.
The entitlement of the narcissistic parent can leave children feeling unimportant. Then in adulthood, often putting their needs at the bottom of the list.
The Vanity in the narcissistic parent can leave children feeling like they are just a trophy; this can be carried into adulthood, always feeling like they have to be perfect at something to be liked by others.
The Selfishness in the narcissistic parent can leave children feeling that their needs aren’t important as they’re always ignored, often then in adulthood playing down their needs, and taking care of all others, so others don’t feel how they do.
No empathy in the parent can leave children always feeling misunderstood, then in adulthood, not wanting to speak of their feelings with others, as they were often dismissed or invalidated as a child.
The Competition a narcissistic parent creates can leave children constantly feeling that they were never enough, then in adulthood, either doing very little as they don’t feel enough or overextending themselves to feel good enough.
The manipulation from the narcissistic parent can leave children walking on eggshells.
Being raised by a narcissist can lead children to not know their personal values and beliefs due to always being criticised, judged, humiliated or shamed if they differ from their parents, leaving children to struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
People pleasing.
Neglecting their own wants and needs and becoming fearful of speaking up for themselves.
Being unable to trust in others fully.
Struggling with addictions.
Some people raised by narcissists do become narcissists themselves.
There is also the narcissistic parent that can not handle the child’s competition and walks away, often coming back when they feel the child will fill a need. To others, they will always blame the other ‘ crazy parent ‘ for not allowing access.
Narcissist personality disorder.
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The narcissists counter-parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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Video for scapegoat child.
Video for the golden and the scapegoat child.
Video on parenting with a narcissist.
