What is reproductive abuse, and why do narcissistic people have children?
Reproductive coercion or reproductive control.
The meaning of coercion is to force someone into doing something, either by persuasion, using force, or using threats; narcissists use many manipulation tactics to achieve this.
The three forms of reproductive coercion are pregnancy coercion, birth control coercion, control of the outcome of the pregnancy coercion.
Pregnancy coercion is when the partner puts pressure on you to have a child. They can either put the admiration face on and go on and on about how great it would be to have a child until you want one or use verbal threats and other manipulation tactics.
Birth Control sabotage. They’ll either mess with pills, hiding them or removing condoms after agreeing to wear one, women saying they are on birth control when they are not.
Controlling the outcome of the pregnancy, again through lots of manipulation tactics, to influence someone into keeping the baby or aborting the baby, through intimidation and threats.
A narcissistic person believes they are entitled to do as they please, regardless of the effects it has on those around them. They exploit people to get their own needs met.
A narcissist that wants children simply believes the children are an extension of themselves.
With a narcissist, all they do is use children to manipulate further. They will stop at nothing to manipulate, including using their own children.
Narcissists often want to have a baby with you not long after you meet. Those narcissists who want children, they will want children with you, no matter how many they already have or how many you have.
This is all just another manipulative tool for the narcissist to help them achieve their aims.
There are several ways a narcissist will use having a child together for further manipulation of you. Not all narcissists want children. Those that do usually want them very early on to prove how committed they are to you—two people who are falling in love, making that comment together to create new life. The promise to have children with you is only so they can get what they want from you.
When you’re still in the idealisation period, and this fantastic person wants to have children with you. It’s all your dreams coming true. It’s made to seem like a loving and romantic comment that they wish to have children with you, if it’s the male narcissist getting you pregnant or the female narcissist carrying your child. It’s all another manipulation technique to re-enforce their dominance over you and conquer you.
To the male narcissist, they believe they are planting their very essence deep inside of you. They may use the term. “Planting my seed.” Or “I chose you to be my incubator.” As we are an appliance to them, where we boil a kettle for hot water to meet a need, they manipulate people to meet a need. To the male narcissist getting you pregnant is the ultimate accomplishment. They feel powerful, and they place what they believe to be their essence inside of you. It’s the ultimate conquest.
Some will say that the narcissist believes they have placed themselves inside you.
From the female narcissist point of view, they believe they have consumed a part of you inside them. They also feel powerful and that they have conquered you.
Those narcissists who want children will often make good of their promises, possible the only promises they will keep after the idealisation period. They will have a child with you for their own gains. One reason is to bind you to them through the child. Having a child with you means to them that you are far less likely to leave them if you leave or they cheat. You are far more likely to go back if you have a child together. You want the perfect family, and in that idealisation period, who better to have this with? Then after the idealisation period, you want the dream back of that perfect family. It messes with our reality, causing cognitive dissonance within our minds.
The narcissist knows because of your empathy. You will dedicate yourself to the children’s upbringing, you will have a massive obstacle in your way, when you’ve had enough of their behaviour and want to leave, as you’ll not want to take the child away from their parent, it’s also not as easy to walk away with a child, and start afresh then it would be if it were just you. You will allow them to reduce their own involvement, as with a narcissist, they are lacking in support unless they have something to gain from it.
Narcissists use children to keep their hold over you, to keep you tied to them.
Neither male nor female narcissists have children because they want children with you. Males purely use the female as an incubator. You are just the narcissists’ host. Once you are pregnant, a lot of male narcissists will cast you aside. Not all will. You are just an appliance, to carry their child, they are now free, to chase another person.
If the pregnancy remains in the idealisation period, you’ll be doted on.
Once the child has arrived, they are then used as pawns in the narcissist’s never-ending game of chess, where they will always try to through the children get you into checkmate, whichever way you turn. The children are used to creating competition with you, and they will triangulate children off against each other and you. Divide and conquer is what the narcissist is all about. You may have heard them say, “I love you more than daddy, don’t I?” Or “I love you more than mummy, don’t I?” They will also say things like. “Don’t tell mummy, but she doesn’t love you. Only I do.” Or “ don’t tell daddy about this, but he doesn’t love you, only I do.”
They use these kinds of words, so the children learn who their master is and don’t want to approach the other parent as the children don’t think the other parent loves them.
They use these words to manipulate and triangulate you with the children.
“Isn’t mummy/daddy grumpy today?”
“I’ll let you, But mummy/daddy wouldn’t.”
“Daddy / Mummy is too strict or regimented.”
“Aren’t you happy you look exactly like me?”
“Have this money, but don’t tell Daddy/Mummy as they’ll be annoyed with you for taking it.”
A lot will fight tooth and Nail for their children, anyone perceived to criticise the children, from teachers to managers of the team sport they play, will feel the wrath of the narcissist, if their child isn’t picked for a first-team spot, they will condemn the choices of others. Stomp off with the child. They will use this to appear like they are the amazing daddy, the perfect mummy. A perfect parent that wants the best for their children.
If the child is behind at school or in popularity, the healthy parent will often be blamed, and it will be all your fault if the children are not the best at everything.
If you’re separated, what they once told you was good about your parenting, will now be turned against you. What a terrible parent you are, how you’re damaging the children. They will use the children to draw any attention, reaction or emotional gain from you that they can. However, some will just walk away from their children, and if they walk away from the children, it’ll be because “you’re bitter and twisted.” And will not allow them to see the children. You may be involved with the type of narcissist that will battle for custody because, to them, you are crazy. If safeguarding issues are in place, so you stop access, they will not see this. As they are never accountable, it’s always someone else’s fault.
Lastly, they have children for a legacy, so they believe they will live on; they believe their greatness lives on through the achievements of their children. “ they get their brains from me.” Or “They get their sporting abilities from me.” The narcissist will always take the credit for what the children achieve. They don’t believe the child achieves anything, and they think that they caused the children’s achievements.
Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
Going to court against a narcissist.
Video for more information on cognitive dissonance.
A blog to help if you have children with the narcissist.