Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.
Why does a narcissist have children?
Narcissists like to repackage their shame as a false dream.
They have children for two reasons.
First, they are relying on you wanting that happy ever after, wanting you to keep the family unit together. Male or female narcissists believe they can keep you hooked longer with a child together, they also believe they have a greater chance of the hoover, when you have a child together.
With a male narcissist when the female is pregnant most can not handle it, they are no longer first, they are no longer getting all the attention. Everyone is running around after the female which causes great criticism to the narcissist so a lot will up and leave during the pregnancy, often returning after the child is born, but not always. Did you hear the phrase?
“You are my capsule.”
“ I’ve chosen you to have my child.”
Some will pretend to look after you, these are the ones that a protecting their interest. The child, these will often be the ones who want custody of the child, when the relationship breaks down but not always.
The female narcissist uses it for similar reasons, to trap the male to them and always have a pawn to use to draw the male back to them. Having a child, in the narcissists mind is just increasing the chance of winning the game of chess with the child as a pawn. Them as king or queen. Also if they are struggling for a new intimate partner they know they can pick the child up to use and gain emotions. Then when they meet a new intimate partner, drop the child. Sometimes they will use children to meet partners. Some narcissist will use the child to play the look at me I’m a great parent, let’s have one together.
Having a child to a narcissist is a
1. A self-serving illusion.
2. A feel-good redemption story about themselves.
3. Recasting themselves into victim mode, when the other parent will not let them see the child or, hero mode as they saved the child from the crazy parent.
4. Creates, for a short time a distance of fundamental brokenness within themselves, this can not last for them as they can not heal their inner selves.
Narcissist that purposely want children, do not have a baby, to make the child feel loved or cherished. It’s always about them and meeting their own needs.
So they can re-package their own shame and possibly their own childhood trauma, which they are oblivious to. They live in a fantasy that never becomes reality, that they are the best and most important person.
When they think about having a child it’s all about an illusion to serve themselves. They can make up a story to themselves why they are such a good parent. They will act to outsiders like they are and will tell anyone who’ll listen they are. Having a child allows them to experience artificial, love attention and validation, as the narcissist is fundament broken.
Having a child that behaves for the narcissist and hangs on the narcissists every word, the narcissist sees that child as an extension of themselves, the golden child will act how the parent wants most of the time.
Children who go against the narcissist will be blamed for ruining the narcissist dream this is the scapegoat child.
I have a post about the scapegoat and golden child that explains this better.
The narcissist parent has no ability to be unconditional. empathetic or loving to the child. They can not truly care, only when it meets a need of their own.
The narcissist simply tells themselves a story that makes them feel important.
The narcissist feels powerful like a god for creating life.
The vindication parent, “ everyone was wrong about me.” Usual because of the judgment they had as a child of being a trouble maker, or the bad kid, the disappointment to their parents, they can now show everyone how wrong they were about them because they are a perfect parent. They pour attention into the child to prove everyone wrong. When people are watching. It’s not about the child it never is. The narcissist is meeting their own needs.
So they can show the world look at me now I’m a top parent.
They think a child will heal them, from the pain of Their childhood.
They think having a child will show the world how perfect they are. They feel they are supreme and a better parent than those around them.
They have a child so someone finally needs them. The child will love them and always take care of them.
They get a chance to be the parent they never had.
The opposite parent.
“ my parents never took me to dance or football.” You may have heard that pity pay from the narcissist. They will overcompensate and push their childhood dreams onto the child, not taking into account the child wants, needs or wish’s.
Not every parent who wants to take children to activities is a narcissist, most do it out of love for the child to discover what the child likes.
They see the child as an extension of themselves, they now feel powerful and immortal. The child will carry on the family legacy. For men, the narcissist will carry the family name on.
Children adapt to mould themselves to fit the narcissist needs. The child adapts to the narcissist to get love. They’ll either for-fill the roll to get CONDITIONAL love. Golden child
Or they will go against the narcissist, scapegoat child. The narcissist’s class this child as a bad seed.
Both receive manipulation and both experience attachment trauma.
The narcissist will not care for the golden child, yet they will treat the child better than the scapegoat, the child that makes the narcissist look good by conforming to the narcissist’s demands. That child also feels responsible to make their parents happy. They will learn tricks of the parent to keep the parent looking happy, they will never take the spotlight away from the parent.
Narcissist parents traits cause.
Attachment trauma within the child.
Grandiosity: The child cannot.
Entitlement: The child feels unimportant.
Vanity: The child feels like a trophy.
Selfishness: The child needs are ignored.
No empathy: The child feels misunderstood
Competition: The child can not measure up.
Manipulation: The child walks on eggshells.
There is also the narcissist parent that can not handle the child’s competition and walks away. Often coming back when they feel the child will fill a need. To others, they will always blame the other crazy parent for not allowing access.