Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw.
Some tactics a narcissist might use to hook you onto them, in the beginning, phrases they might say to you.
1. Songs. A lot of them like to use songs, because they have no feeling towards the music and it doesn’t affect them on any emotion level, they pay close attention to the words, almost believing that they wrote those words for you. It’s designed to draw you to them.
At the beginning they will connect to you with these songs they chose, this is also a big ploy so when you finally break free from them. They hope you hear these songs and it reminds you of them.
Nothing is done just because, all actions and gesture, expressions and words are done simply to draw you in and get you hooked.
2. They mirror you. They have a default setting to mirror you. They will mimic your body language and you’ll not even know they are doing it, they will talk the way you do, if you talk slowly they will, if you pause they will, if you take fast, yes you’ve got it they’ll do that too, getting a deeper connection with you without you even knowing.
3. Words they use. They may use sentences like “I’ve never met anyone like you before “ “ you’re different to the rest” “your special” “ I’ve never felt this way about anyone “ very soon into the relationship.
There is calculation within the narcissist in the way they do this as they gain information about you. Knowing what would be the most appropriate and rewarding approach,
To the narcissist this is just instinct in them, they have natural ability to just draw you in.
They will respond to you with an instinctive fashion so what they say appeals to you.
4. They like all your likes, and dislikes all your dislikes, they have everything in common with you. They will happily agree with your likes and dislikes in the beginning.
Why do they do this?
If they know what they are or not. They are just instinctively, programmed to act this way around you, in the beginning, to draw you in. It comes very naturally to them.
Everything they do at the beginning is simply designed to draw you in, they get great delight in how happy you are towards them and how responsive you are towards them, and how you believe you’ve met the one. The smile on your face when they surprise you with a gift. How you cook for them, clean for them, wash their clothes for them. They’ll also help you with this in the beginning. All the positive response you give them just confirms they are right to draw you in some more.
No gifts, activity’s, songs, words, messages are done towards you for the fun of it, they get no joy out of doing these things. Although they have learnt to mirror and mimic how others look and act when they do these things.
5. Taking you out to dinner, going to the cinema, bowling or sport is just a ploy to hook you and them to delight when they win. your delight in how amazing they are with you simply gives them the admiration they believe they deserve.
You do things because you get joy from the experience, you enjoy other people’s company to share activities you enjoy with. Non of this matters to them unless they are getting a reaction from it. They enjoy the knowledge that they are sucking you deeper into them.
Everything they do in the start is simply to draw you deeper into them.
6. In the beginning, they want to spend as much time as possible with you because you have something they want. They may send you lots of lovely messages when they are not with you. Call you on their work breaks.
They find this boring and do all this simply out of necessity to draw you in.
They simply want to get you hooked to ensure your dedication to them and keep you hooked.
7. Once you are hooked. They can start to lose their false self they used to draw you in, so when they do something you’re left wondering what happened and where they went, they will then twist and manipulate you. They love the silent treatment claiming “you hurt their feelings” so it looks like it’s you not them, You made them act that way. If it wasn’t for you they wouldn’t have done that, which then makes you apologise for. You then work harder accepting less and less from them. Then when they fear you may leave if they’ve not got a backup plan they’ll draw you back in, with gestures and dates again. The so the cycle begins.
During devaluation, the phrases you may hear are. “ I do for those what those do for me”
“ if you tried so would I”
“you’re making me this way”
this is all just manipulation to get you to work harder to please them because you have empathy, the self-doubt starts to set in, yet they will keep manipulating any way they can. Even with a sentence like.
“I need you to help me”
“ you’re crazy”
“you’re too sensitive “
“ don’t you remember how good we were”
“ I’ve had more relationship than you so I know “
“ that makes you look stupid”
Then during the discard.
“ I’m the best you ever had “
“You’ll never find someone like me”
“ you’re a mess no one will ever love you”
“ you did this to yourself “
They want to send you crazy and make you look crazy so they can tell everyone around you and them that you are the crazy one
They will do everything they can to make you blame yourself.
When you escape it gets worse.
This is why no contact. Or limited none emotional contact is needed when children are involved grey rock.