Breaking the cycle of the drama with a narcissist.
A quick recap on some of the common reasons why narcissists do what they do.
They get bored, they don’t experience Boredom, not as we do, so they seek to play games with those around them to gain attention.
They can be extremely envious of others believing others are envious of them, so to make themselves feel better, they go all out to devalue others, to exploit others, to destroy to fill their self-worth.
Narcissists are extremely sensitive to real or imaginary criticism. So they feel you actually did something to them, and you are to blame, for whatever they did to you.
Narcissists fear abandonment, so they create a feeling of dependency within those around them.
They fear exposure, so they gaslight never to give closure.
Nothing can be solved with a narcissist as to a narcissist. Others are always to be blamed. If others are not to be blamed, they will go all out with their manipulative mind games to provoke people into reacting, so they can blame others for their reactions, to distract people from the narcissist’s actions.
When it comes to a narcissist, some act impulsive, some calculated, with many its instinct, a learned pattern of behaviour formed around their beliefs, that they are entitled to have what they want, treat others how they want, they deserve excessive attention as they believe they are special, that it’s ok for them to exploit others as others are envious of them, so they seek to pull others down, they are preoccupied in getting their own needs met. They lack empathy to care for those they hurt. They have a lack of respect for others boundaries. They believe they are entitled, and rules do not apply to them, however, they think those very rules apply to you.
Narcissists will put themselves and choose themselves first, every time.
They will cause and circle around arguments, they will guilt trip, and they will silent treatment.
They will play victim to escape accountability, so they are never the bad person, so you are the bad person.
The narcissist enjoys provoking others. They do not care if it’s negative attention or positive attention; they prefer positive. However, if they’re feeling negative or unhappy, they will go all out to pull others down to feel better about themselves, often why when a narcissist is in a mood, once they’ve set the environment, the atmosphere and brought everyone else down, suddenly the narcissist is ok, often looking all smug asking “what’s wrong with you?” If you try to explain, they’ll just keep winding you up to take the negative attention away from them and blame the arguments on you, often with those. “I don’t want to argue.”
If they cannot be the best, they’ll be the worst.
They want reactions from you, love or hate, because to them, they are the most important person in the room, many will act like the nicest person ever at an event, others will cause a scene, blame others for the scene and storm out, expecting people to run after and make it up to them.
Narcissists have a disorder. That’s why they act how they do, to cover their insecurities and feelings, to feel superior, to feel better about themselves, to be in control of everything around them, as they are not in control of themselves. They believe the world unfair. So they destroy others. To a narcissist, if they can not be happy, why should others be.
They are an emotional leach, a drain on your happiness, a parasite on your energy.
Remember, narcissists are great at dishing out the guilt trips, and people with compassion are guilt takers.
No reaction doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re no longer playing their hurtful games. You’re taking back control of your own mind and your own life, which you really need to do, to get control back of your own love and happiness.
So how to stop reacting? It sounds hard. Still, it’s easy, behaviours become patterns, just like the narcissist’s behaviour if you observe it there is a pattern, with emotional situations, your body and mind got trained into how you respond, now you can train yourself back out of it, you’ve got to up your game, you can not control their behaviour, in fact, often they can not control their behaviours, you can take back control of your own. You have to control yourself and stop reacting or go No contact, grey rock if you’ve got children. You need to gain control of your own emotions, then get control of your reactions. No reaction to them.
You can not control someone’s actions towards you. You can control your reactions to their actions.
It is hard to start as it’s normal human behaviour to want to be understood, to want to be heard, to defend ourselves, to explain ourselves. This is ok with like-minded people who are also willing to listen. Narcissistic people are not looking for communication once they’ve made their minds up. They are not interested in what you have to say, they believe they are right, and to them, that’s all they need to know. The more you learn to control your emotions, your reactions, and who you are, the less impact they will have on you, the easier it will become, and the more peaceful your life will be.
If you occasionally slip and react, don’t worry. We’ve all been there. Just keep reacting less and less until you get to the point, where you don’t react. Remember to Retreat, rethink when they are triggering your emotions so you can gain control of your feelings, and only respond if you need to do so.
To start with, You will want to react, just don’t do it to the narcissist. Tell yourself, “the narcissist wants me to react, and I’m not going to.”
Let it go, if needed once they’ve left, shout and scream your reactions to get it out from you, just never ever to the narcissist, no reactions.
The narcissist is trying to control you by controlling your feelings, all your emotions and all your reactions. Stop letting them control you. Stop reacting, yes it’s hard at first you want to defend yourself, with practise it gets easier, then before you know it, you’ll just not react, no matter what button they press, as you’ll recognise it’s all only one big game to them.
It’s only going to work if you take the power away from them, then take back control of your own life.
Once you stop, you’ll notice, the narcissist will switch tactics and work harder to get a reaction, stay with it do not react. Instead, observe their pattern of behaviour, recognise what they are doing.
The best response with a narcissist is no response, no contact, not always possible, in which case it is limited contact and grey rock.
Observing what part of their personality is coming out in them.
Are they acting arrogant? are they seeking control? Are they acting envious? Entitled? Are they trying to exploit your kindness? Do they think they know better, do they lack empathy to care? Are they seeking attention?
Stay grounded and see that as them, not you. Then observe what manipulation tactics they’re trying to use.
Are they trying to provoke you? Are they trying to bait you? Are they triangulating you with others? Are they blame-shifting? Are they intimidating? Are they trying to future fake with you? Are they devaluing you? Are they gaslighting you?.
Observe the pattern of behaviour, see them for who they are and what they are doing and give them nothing they can use against you. Stay true to your reality.
You will get to the point you’ll no longer feel the need to react, as you learn they’re not interested in your point of view anyway, and you know they hate not getting a reaction from you.
So how to stop reacting, just stop reacting. It is a learning curve. You will get there.
Narcissists can not see your point of view.
Stop explaining and start disarming.
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The narcissists counter-parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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Don’t argue with a narcissist.
