The narcissist’s triangulation is another manipulation tactic as they use a third person to bend the truth, manipulate the relationship between others to the narcissist’s advantage.
Triangulation is used by a narcissist to deceive people to cause rivalry between people.
A narcissist triangulates by acting as a messenger between those around them, the narcissist can be exploiting a friend by borrowing a lot of money of them promising to pay them back, yet playing the victim when it comes to paying them back, or paying back small amounts, then coming on strong with the pity plays to borrow more, they can borrow small amounts and pay back, so people trust them, only the narcissists will then borrow big, to then keep making up excuses, gaslight, pity play, guilt, use the “I paid you back last time, I just need more time, ” or ghost them, while this is happening the narcissists will be telling everyone around that friend, that friend whose genuine and kept it between the two of them as they respect the narcissist not knowing what the narcissist is up to, as the narcissist will be telling anyone who’ll listen that the friend they are borrowing money off is borrowing money off them, the narcissist will be gossiping about that friend, yet twisting the story, claiming all the narcissist is doing to that friend, the friend is doing to the narcissist, with the friend having no clue to what’s happening, so when the friend finally has enough and speaks out, the friend is scapegoated by the narcissist, the narcissist can be using the story to exploit money out of another, the whole “ I don’t have rent this week my friends still hasn’t paid me back, now they’re holding a grudge against me because I asked for it back, no please don’t talk to them, I care for then and don’t want to make their troubles worse.” or “ I don’t have the cash for the rent this week, my ex needs the cash for the kids, I’ll make it up to you.” yet they’ve smeared the ex so you don’t talk to the ex to find out the kids get nothing, so you believe the narcissist to be caring and genuine not realising they’re lying to exploit others.
Narcissists can flatter you to all their friends, family and work colleagues, they can be really nice to all your friends and family, yet tell you that your friend talks about you, your family interfere too much, or they keep you so busy you spend less time with your friends and family, who then live a reality where you’ve no time for them. However, the narcissist is showering them with compliments. They can provoke you to react in front of friends and family so that the narcissist can gain sympathy.
Narcissistic parents can shame, criticise, invalidate, humiliate one child while praising another. They can cause rivalry between siblings, then blame the scapegoat child. They can cause conflict and rivalry between friends, family members, whoever the narcissist needs to so they are winning.
Narcissist shame people. It’s a painful and sometimes embarrassing emotion they inflict on us to discredit us, so we fear speaking out for who we are, for fear of humiliation.
Triangulation allows the narcissist to provoke emotional reactions from people. The narcissist can blame people for their responses, so the narcissist can gain sympathy from enablers and flying monkeys, guilt trip people, shame people, confuse or distract me to coercively control others.
Narcissists will play the hero as they gather your Innermost secrets. They will threaten people with those secrets. They will gossip, compare, isolate and alienate people.
How do they do this without us knowing?
1. Killing two birds with one stone method. They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them to create feelings of jealousy, to then tell you that ”You’re insecure.” If you question them, they will talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them, so if the ex that they hate so much would have done it? And they left the ex. They might leave you, so people can then give in to the narcissist’s demands. We end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing our boundaries, and trying harder and harder to please the narcissist. Without realising, the narcissist is lying to us. So they make us doubt our thoughts and feelings. If we bring anything up, they will tell us. “You’re insecure.” When, in reality, your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention while they gain control of your mind, and you slowly lose control of your mind.
They will play children off against each other, making one The Golden Child And The Other The Scapegoat Child they will alienate children from the healthy parent.
Bosses will play co-workers off against each other, and friends will also do this.
2. Recruiting reinforcement. They will lie and smear other people in the Smear Campaigns they will play the victim, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions becoming an enabler and assisting the narcissist in bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.
3. Splitting. The narcissist will extract information from one person. Gossip with another about it. They’ll even lie about what one person has said about another, then when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what you said to the narcissist in response. However, the narcissist will completely miss out on the lie they told you that the other person said in order to get your reaction. So you feel bad if the other person comes to you about this as you said it, and you sound like you’re doing the word salad trying to explain that the narcissist said, the whole ”they said, you said, so I said.” They use this to control information shared between people. Once they’ve fuelled￼ a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others. They will play the hero and fake their concern for you to others, to gain sympathy, or play the woe is me victim on how badly you treat them. Hence, people pity the narcissist, which then cuts you of and protects the narcissist’s false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim, and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.
Sometimes the one who sounds crazy is the one trying to explain the truth.
4. Flirt and deny, another one to gaslight your reality, to provoke the feelings of jealousy, to provoke your reactions, to create insecurities and self-doubt in you. They’ll not validate your feelings or communicate about how you feel. They’ll not offer any reassurance, as they’ve done this intentionally as they believe they are entitled to do so. They’ll flirt in front of you, then deny all knowledge, and accuse you of being ”Insecure, Jealous, Hung up on your past.”
A narcissist will provoke you to get a reaction out of you so that they can blame you.
5. Exclusion, when you’re out with friends, they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation, they’ll leave you out of jokes, they’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure. If you speak up, they’ll say things like, “They need space.” Or projection “You’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself. Parents will do this with other family members, co-workers, and friends will also do this. A narcissistic friend might leave you out of an event happening, yet making sure a flying monkey informs you. They’ll blame a third person as to why you weren’t invited.
6. Extracting information than using it against you in front of others. Again they will use gossip, lies and private information. They will shame you in front of other people in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, and if you ask them later about this, they will deny it, to cause you to feel frustrated, angry, to doubt yourself.
7. Devalue, so they’ll tell you that someone gossips behind your back, that they are no good for you, so you don’t trust that person believe the narcissist and cut the on-off the narcissist has informed you are gossiping. The narcissist might well have made up something you said, told that third person got their response of what they said about you, then come and tell you. As those words came from the third person, it sounds very believable. Again the narcissist misses the part of the story where they lied about what you said. They will say how bad it is someone had done something, and they know you have done it also, to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.
If you are going through triangulation, Grey Rock or no contact them, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. Suppose you get the chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” They informed me you’d said this about me. Is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. If they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick to facts, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your own mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible, no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns, they cycle around. It becomes easier to break free
No one is safe from manipulation and triangulation.
The best method to help with triangulation for you is to take yourself out of the triangle, grey rock or no contact, just remove yourself from the situation and stop playing. Narcissistic people find it incredibly hard to play their games with you when you’re no longer playing.
Live for you and who you want to be, and you don’t need to people-please or be liked by everyone. The right people will love you for you.
If you can not go no contact, it’s a grey rock. Remove negativity from your life to allow for positive more happiness in your life. The narcissist can not play you when you’re no longer willing to be a pawn in their games. Unfortunately, they may smear your name to victim play. Just stay out of it. Always trust your instinct, even when your unsure of what it’s telling you. It will become clear I’m time.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.