Why is the narcissist not coming to hoover you?
The more people learn about the disorder, the more they know about the patterns of behaviour narcissistic people show. When the narcissist you’re dealing with doesn’t show that behaviour we can fall into those self-doubts again. We may question if they are a narcissist as they are not reaching out, in all the hoover methods we’ve heard about to suck us back in. We are prepared not to react and not allow them back in.
First the narcissist personality disorder is a disorder, where there are nine characteristics, if someone has at least five of the traits, they are most likely on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, if they were abusive no matter what their personality safely get out and safely stay out.
The term hoover doesn’t place someone on the spectrum of the disorder. Many narcissists do hoover. However, some do not, there are also people not on the disorder, that might try to win an ex back, and those who are trauma bonded trying to win the narcissist back.
With narcissists, some are simply far too lazy to hoover, like those who didn’t work as they think it’s easier to exploit others for money than put the work in themselves, although if they think it’s easy enough to win someone back, they will try to hoover.
Most narcissists have the characteristic of entitlement, therefore believe they are entitled, so many feel like they always have you even if they are not with you.
A few reasons why people want the narcissist to hoover.
Now you’ve learnt about narcissism, you know all you need to know and what to expect, yet your missing that one piece the hoover, they just haven’t bothered to hoover you, you know all the ways they do this, yet the narcissist you once knew hasn’t bothered with any hoover.
You may actually want them to hoover, so you can have it out with them about what’s happened, release that anger, this isn’t worth it as it will only end up with you feeling worse. You may want to lash out at them for how they’ve treated you, this only helps their ego, and they will twist the words to play victim to others.
You may want closure. They’ll never give it to you, again you’ll only feel worse, as a narcissist fears exposure, why they gaslight and never give closure, work on you instead, you’re inner happiness and giving yourself closure.
You may want the hoover to happen, as you’re still in the trauma bond, you’ve not yet worked on yourself to get over them, and still believe you can help them and make it work, you can not, use this time to work on you.
You may want to let them know you know exactly what they are, again your sanity isn’t worth this, they only believe their own reality, they will cause frustration within you, if they don’t know what the disorder is they might look it up and use it against you, they might lie, deny, project and blame-shift into how you have the disorder and not them, they might feel criticised and rage at you. They might act arrogant, believing they’re a special kind of special, they don’t want to recognise their behaviour. Instead of calling them out, take your new-found knowledge to stay away from these negative people, narcissists don’t like it when people walk away from them.
You may want them to hoover, so you can prove how strong you are, and tell them where to go, you are strong, moving forward with your own life proves that, and they may not be hoovering as they recognise how strong you are, so would they would prefer to dream that you’d always go back, but not risk their own ego by trying.
You may want to sort financial situations out, or belongings, if they have yours this is so you communicate to them, cut your losses, sort out your own finances as hard as that can be, they will not be accountable, and they will not help. They’ll just enjoy you chasing them, same as belongings, just chuck their out, and leave yours be, as hard as that can be.
Depending on where the narcissist is on the spectrum, some have an awareness of their behaviour, some it’s instinct, either way, they don’t care for how it affects those around them
Some don’t hoover, as they are waiting for you to make the first move to get in touch with them, they believe you’re in the wrong, and you’ll chase them when you work it out.
Sometimes, they carry on their smear campaign games to destroy you, the negative hoover. They’re enjoying disrupting your life because they’re holding a grudge against you, they’re seeking revenge on you, the negative hoover where they are seeking your attention by gaining your reactions, by baiting you into begging and pleading with them to stop, which doesn’t work as they believe they have you right where they want you, which is why it’s vital not to give them any reactions, so they will eventually leave you alone.
They may be stalking you, including your social media with false accounts, to see what their chances are and if it’s worth their time.
They may have called you or messaged you but not respond when you picked up or messaged back, they just wanted to hear the tone of your voice, or to see if you’d keep trying to message them back, this is a hoover of gaining emotions, and testing the waters.
They might not hoover directly. They may have to get one of their flying monkeys to get in touch with you, again to see what your response is. Also to see if it’s worth their time trying to hoover you.
It might be too soon, and they have someone else that’s meeting their needs, it could be years before they come for the hoover.
They may be far too consumed in trying to hoover a different ex before you.
You have managed to stay clear of them, avoiding them of all costs, so you’re no longer in their radar to try and hoover you.
You may be still constantly contacting them for, your belonging, to sort childcare, or to sort finances, to get that closure, so they feel no need to hoover, as they are gaining attention from you.
You may have made the steps to cut all contact, block all flying monkeys, and they are unable to try and hoover you, this no contact is by far the best option for you, and no hoover, makes it far easier for you to move onto a much better life.
Whatever the reason they are not coming for the hoover, be grateful, it makes healing and becoming happy again, so much easier.
10 Narcissistic Hoovers.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.