Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse by, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Being around narcissistic people often leaves us with so much self-doubt within our own abilities, often leading us into that negative thought process that continues to bring us down, even after we’ve escaped the narcissist.
When it comes to dealing with narcissistic people, our job isn’t to help them, like most of us try so hard to do, only to have detrimental effects on our mental and physical health, our job is to help ourselves, learn to become who we are, yes still be kind and help others yet have boundaries that no narcissist can take down, part of who we are or become as a person is also down to our beliefs, after being around a narcissist our beliefs that have often been programmed into us over a long period of time through the narcissists many manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, projection and blame-shifting, we the limit ourselves and being to hold ourselves back, so how do we break this cycle? By changing our beliefs.
What are limiting beliefs? Limiting beliefs are those thoughts we have in our minds that hold us back, stop us from taking action and doing what we are truly capable of when our sentences start with words like.
- I don’t.
- I Can’t.
- I’m not.
- I won’t.
- I mustn’t.
- I shouldn’t.
- I’ll not.
Whatever you tell yourself with those words in front, will most often hold you back in life.
As Henry Ford said,
Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.
Most people live unaware of limiting beliefs and the effects they have on our own life’s journey. Why do we have limiting beliefs? Limiting beliefs come directly from our experiences in life. We act, something happens, and we draw a conclusion. When you’ve been surrounded by one or lots of narcissistic people in your life, you’ll also be programmed subconsciously, subtly and slowly on these limiting beliefs.
If you had a narcissistic parent, you might have been told. “You’re not good enough. You can’t do that. You’re not capable.” And so many more, some of us do manage not to let these thoughts get to us and break free, yet because they’ve been repeatedly heard often with parents actions of not being supportive. For example, if you tried something new and couldn’t do it the first time. Instead of having that support of it’s ok to fail, that’s just your first attempt in learning, get up and go again until you achieve. A narcissistic parent might just tell you to quit because you’re not good enough when you keep quitting with the words from your parents re-enforcing you’re limiting beliefs you develop a pattern and by not seeing what you’re truly capable of this re-enforces our limiting beliefs.
If you’ve had a narcissistic partner, who’s lied, cheated, gaslighted and let you down, you can see from their actions they hurt you, and you can feel the pain that they have hurt you, yet, with their chosen words of. “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t, you’re crazy, you’re insecure, no one will love you, who’d put up with you.” And all the rest, their negative actions towards you and their negative words towards you, subconsciously overtime programs your mind into believing the false persona of yourself that someone else is drilling into you.
What are the effects on you? So many who’ve been through narcissistic relationships feel deep within themselves that they don’t deserve any better so often accept things and being treated in a way they should never have been treated. Left full of self-doubt and fear of doing the wrong thing, or upsetting those around them, often becoming a people pleaser, not only to be liked but so others don’t ever feel how you’ve felt.
When the people we associate ourself with brings us inner pain, we might not only get isolated from others because the narcissist is triangulating us, but we might have cut ourself off from others with those words from the narcissist as we have been repeatedly told. “They don’t like you, and they talk about you behind your back, you’re not good enough.” It hurts, it causes emotional pain, then as the people in your life are limited to negative people your subconscious believes everything that’s said, this limits you from taking the action you need. You need to reprogram your mind and remove, any self-doubting limiting beliefs that are within your mind, in order to step out of your comfort zone that’s actually rather unpleasant and uncomfortable and create new belief system that works for you, to step into a much happier, more confident you, reaching your potential time and time again in the future. Every time you hear yourself saying any limiting beliefs, you need to consciously with your own thoughts. Change them.
- I don’t. Needs to be I do
- I Can’t. Needs to be I can
- I’m not. Needs to be I am
- I won’t. Needs to be I will
- I mustn’t. Needs to be I must.
Now there is a flip side sometimes telling yourself I can make it work, with someone who continues to let you down, control and hurt you needs to be I can not make it work. I won’t split up the family, needs to be I must do what’s best for me and any children and move out of the negative toxic environment. When you’re telling yourself you can not do something that you really need to do, it’s not that you can’t, you’ve either not tried, given up after first attempt, or you don’t want to, focus on what you want, tell yourself you can and keep going until you see it.
We learn faster from painful experience, so if we burn ourselves on an oven, we become more aware not to, after time when the physical pain is a distant memory, we might pay less attention and burn ourselves again, to remind us to be more careful next time, we don’t just stop cooking. We learn to get up and go again. Sometimes when we’ve had a harrowing past, once we get out, we might get comfortable, which keeps us stuck also. We are here to grow, staying stuck in a comfort zone is not fulfilling your dreams, you have a more to give deep within you, you’re a fighter, a survivor and a warrior.
Most survive can be up and running going great, then bam out of nowhere hit a low, sometimes those dark clouds reappear to remind us of how far we have come, to retreat, rethink then get up and go again better than who you were before.
When making big life decisions, our minds might weigh up the cost of failure against success, making us argue against ourselves if success looks like a hard task we might stop ourselves before we start, our body like the easy approach, our minds like to protect us, without realising sometimes we can be harming ourselves going for the easy route, if it looks like we might fail, we protect ourselves by not risking that failure.
Now if you’re relationship that is abusive and making you unhappy, it’s already failing, you can not make it work in everyone’s best interest with someone who’s not interested in comprising, with someone who insists on repeatedly hurting those close to them, you have got to put yourself first, learn from mistakes and failure, noting those little successes along the way, so your mind consciously acknowledges them, and keep yourself accountable until you succeed, when you succeed at one thing create another and go all out to succeed at that. If where you are now is making you feel unhappy and stuck, you’ve got to change something, and when you change one thing, you can change everything.
“The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialised – never knowing.” ― Jim Rohn
Remember it takes time, Rome wasn’t built in a day. You have to start somewhere and starting with learning to talk to yourself the right way.
You don’t always need to how you just need the why sometimes those dots don’t get connected until you’re at the end of a cycle looking back. You’ve got to stay accountable and stay consistent and go for the dreams you want for you. Stop making excuses; don’t make excuses for another’s abusive behaviour towards you. Take yourself out of the picture and ask your self. “Who truly deserves to be treated that way?” if you have a close friend or a child, anyone you genuinely love and care for would you tell them it’s their fault? Or would you be telling them that no one deserves this treatment and they deserve better? Fear and guilt keeps us trapped in situations we shouldn’t be in, fear of being harmed, fear of judgment from others, guilt for not being able to help, blame for splitting up the family, you’ve got to recognise that emotion and deal with those emotions, then take action, fear is telling you to prepare and stay safe, you’re not safe with someone you fear, so you need to get out safely, fear of the unknown, it’s doesn’t need to be unknown, create a vision, create a new dream and set out to achieve, jumping all hurdles until you do, fear of the effects on the children, children will be more affected growing up in an abusive household than they will be growing up with separated parents.
Guilt, you’ve got to do what’s right for you, not those who harm you, let that guilt go. Identify your limiting beliefs, pay close attention to how you talk to yourself, write down any limiting beliefs you have. Be aware and note down any moments you judge yourself, doubt yourself and your abilities, then question it and change it. Then change. “I’m not good enough.” to “Why am I not good enough?” “Because my parents told me I wasn’t. ” “That’s their perception it’s not mine.” “I can not always change others perceptions, I can change my own, which might change theirs, so I am good enough, and I will do my all to achieve the life I want and deserve.” The more you question your limiting beliefs, the more you will challenge your own mindset, the more you’ll find the answers, the more you’ll see the change from within, and then you’ll see achievements you are making.
I’m not saying it’s easy, it is however possible. Sometimes doing what seems easy actually makes our lives harder, and doing what is hard makes our life easier. You have got to be you to become you. You’ve got to be who you indeed are not what others tell you to be, you have got to have a deaf ear to all those negative people and work on your own thoughts to work for you. When hard things happen, deal with them, learn from them and grow from them to develop you into who you truly want to be and want to become. Don’t ever stop working on you.
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