Don’t argue with a narcissist. They know all your weaknesses.
Five ways to outsmart a narcissist.
1. The best way to beat a narcissist is no contact, removing them and their flying monkeys from your life.
Not always possible, sometimes for various reasons we can not go no contact, so the next best thing is.
2. Limited contact and learning about the disorder, limited communication, see the games for what they are and no longer play, no longer playing their games is no reactions, sounds simple, yet as most of us who’ve had dealings with these kinds of people, understand it’s not always that straight forward.
3. Don’t personalise it, recognising that their behaviour is on them and not you.
When we don’t understand what they do a narcissist is highly skilled at taking our thoughts away from us and planting those seeds of doubt, then through many manipulative means such as gaslighting, helping those seeds of self-doubt grow, by then using your own thoughts against us, by playing games then provoking our emotions within us then telling us that ”we’re insecure, we’re jealous, we’re too sensitive, can you not take a joke.” and they keep planting those seeds of self-doubt in our mind, so by using our perfectly normal emotional reactions to their toxic behaviour against us to let those self-doubt thoughts grow within our own subconscious, to the point where you’re no longer being controlled by you rational thinking, your emotional thinking is leading you, and we no longer trust our own emotions, the narcissist knows exactly how to pull your emotions out negatively, from making you feel guilty for not helping them, feeling obligated to doing things you wouldn’t usually do for them or because you reacted towards them, to feeling frustrated that they will just not listen to reason, from feeling anxiety when around them, to feeling hopelessly depressed, from feeling fearful of what they might do next to feeling overwhelmed within life itself, questioning your feelings.
When they’re trying to use your vulnerabilities, saying things like. “yes, I know, it’s nice that those who care about me love me for it, makes me love me for it.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or “that’s your opinion of me.”
4. Realistic expectations of their behaviour. Recognising your emotions, what are they telling you.
Learn how to detach your emotional responses and start thinking for yourself again. Watch the narcissist and all their games. Listen to the narcissist and do not react.
Don’t defend yourself to them. That’s what they want, to use you against you, recognising when they are baiting you into an argument.
You need to observe what happens and distance yourself from the situation, and you need to consciously take your emotions away situation. Purposefully distancing yourself from your emotional attachment so that you can keep control of your feelings, your thoughts and not get drawn into the situation. If you observe, you don’t let them affect your emotions. You’re not connecting emotionally, so you’ll not get pulled into what they are trying to achieve.
They want to set off your emotions. When your feelings get attached to the situation they get you to react, they win. The narcissist is extremely manipulative and will then twist everything because your emotions are involved; you are then not in your correct headspace to defend yourself or set appropriate boundaries for yourself and your happiness.
5. Observe. Don’t absorb. Then don’t give the narcissist anything. Recognise what they’re trying to hide or distract you from.
When they are trying to provoke you, never respond instantly. If you don’t need to respond, don’t. Trying to clear your name or make them aware of your thoughts, feelings, and opinions doesn’t work. They are not interested in those. They just want to draw you into their games and pull out your reactions.
Remember, retreat, rethink and only then respond if you need to do so. Most often, you don’t need to respond, getting to know yourself so well, others opinion of you no longer count, losing self-doubt, by understanding your intentions are from a good place, and listening to your instincts, the only person you need to explain yourself to, is you.
Asking yourself. ”How is the narcissist trying to get me to react?” Or ” How are they trying to use my thoughts and feelings against me.” Then do not react. By not reacting, you’ll leave them powerless. You can then watch and observe them go into all the other manipulation forms they use. Again observe them.
When you can practice observing and not absorbing, observe what they do. Watch how manipulative they indeed are, how incapable the narcissist is to continue with manipulation when you don’t react when you no longer play.
With narcissism, they manipulate and gain control by pulling you deeper and deeper into their games.
To get drawn into it is like accepting the narcissist’s poison into your mind.
When you know what they use, and you start to learn the capabilities of your own mind, you watch, know and understand.
- They are giving me silent treatment because I wouldn’t break down my boundaries and stuck to my beliefs and who I authentically am. They’re not happy because they can not recognise me for me. They just feel criticised because they feel like I questioned their entitlement. My explanations of my intentions would not get them to understand as they believe they are superior and entitled to have what they want when they want.
- They are trying to provoke reactions out of me so that they can blame their flaws on me, as they lack the empathy to care for how they hurt me. Still, they feel a need to exploit others to get their needs met, then to escape accountability when they act negatively, they provoke to get a reaction so they can twist the blame.
- They are trying to put me down, so I feel insecure, so they can feel superior as they do not want to see my strengths, as this makes them feel insecure, and if they do see them, they are envious of mine, that is not my responsibility, that is theirs. I don’t have to put myself down to make others feel better, I’m in control of myself, and they are in control of themselves.
- They are twisting the story to take me off topic and narrate the script to suit themselves. They are gaslighting as they want to control so they can exploit easier.
- They are using triangulation to get me to question myself and those around me, to get me to do things I wouldn’t typically do if others want to do that, then that’s for them. However, it’s not for me. Others opinions of me are not for me. Only I define who I want to be
- They are provoking an argument as they don’t understand the reasoning, comprise or others perspectives. As their beliefs they hold so true, they are entitled to their opinions, and I’m allowed to mine, and I don’t have to take part in every argument I’m invited to.
- They are intimidating me because they have no power or control over me, they want me to fear them, so I no longer live for me.
- They are smearing my name, as they don’t want to be held accountable for their own actions, I know my truth, and I do not have to defend my actions or my life to those who just want to gossip or believe liars. They can stay in their lane, and I will stay in mine.
6. When you do have to communicate with them, do your best to stay relaxed, do not show them any emotions, look just over their right ear. If they are reasonable, be reasonable back. If they are being negative or hurtful, do not engage, just like two wrongs don’t make a right, two people locked in negative don’t bring either happiness. You can scream and cry let those emotions out once they have left. This is why it’s best to stick to limited contact, messages and emails, especially at the start. Some are dangerous, so it would need to be no contact.
Be who you want to be, put your needs first and the needs of others second, so you can be at your best to give your best. You are not being selfish. A narcissist is selfish as they expect you to put their needs before your own, yet they’ll not put yours before theirs. It’s ok to loan someone money if they need it, so long as that person would do the same in return, those who expect people to give to them and are unwilling to give back are the selfish ones, so if you don’t want to loan money to others, that’s for you. You wouldn’t ask someone for money, as you wouldn’t expect someone to do for you, what you wouldn’t do for them. A narcissist works the other way round the selfish way, they expect people to loan them money, yet they wouldn’t lend someone money in return. That’s selfish.
With your control of your own inner mind, emotions, and happiness, your life will become so much more peaceful.
Don’t explain yourself to a narcissist.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Why do narcissists always think they’re right?
Nine phrases to disarm a narcissist when they are coming at you.
Reference. Ross Rosenberg, Observe Don’t Absorb Technique, Neutralises Narcissistic Abuse (YouTube 2016.)
One thought on “How To Beat A Narcissist. Don’t Absorb, Do Observe.”
THANK YOU for your posts! I have found them to be very helpful!