Psychology projection is a defence mechanism used by a narcissist to defend their own ego against their own negative qualities by denying the existence of their own inner faults, flaws or mistakes they make and placing them onto others. A way of denying something they have done and passing the blame for their behaviour onto others. This can be thoughts, flaws, emotions, characteristics, actions and feelings that they don’t like within themselves or they don’t want to be exposed for.
Narcissists do not want to be discovered for who they indeed are. They do not want to admit any wrongdoing. So with words, they spew all their faults onto you.
Narcissists will exaggerate something you said as evidence, quote a third party as part of their triangulation manipulation, which is often a lie, a twist in the story, any way to distort and lie to deny reality.
Narcissists tell on themselves, when we listen closely enough. Through projection, they reveal what they are and what they are genuinely doing. They accuse you of what they have done or what they are planning on doing. They accuse exes of what they truly put the exes through. They do this to pity play, to get people on their side by playing the victim, also to project their own fault away from themselves and onto others, so they don’t feel the inner shame of their actual actions. They project their feelings onto others, so they don’t have to deal with them. They make others feel guilty for what they do and who they are, as they are unable to feel that guilt within themselves.
As narcissists are unable and unwilling to be held accountable or responsible for things they think, say and do, they have to project onto others to escape that accountability.
They will divert and distract you from what’s genuinely happening by changing the subject, talking over you, anger and rage, or the silent treatment, or they will blame shift onto you. To get you and others to take responsibility for their actions so the narcissist can avoid consequences for their actions.
Observing what a narcissistic person does and the patterns they use helps you get the truth from them, as they’ll never directly admit to anything. When we absorb their toxic words, we end up full of guilt, feeling like we are to blame, feeling confused for things we haven’t even done.
Narcissists don’t come with warning labels. However, if they did, the projection would say something along the lines of ‘warning, highly influential person who will make you or others take responsibility for everything they do wrong.’
Now, unfortunately, narcissists don’t come with warning labels. But one warning is listening and observing how they talk about others, what they say people have done to them.
Common examples.
1. They accuse you of cheating, and you know full well you’re not and never would. Not all narcissists will do this. Those that do will question where you’ve been who you’ve been with. They will go on and on because they are cheating or planning on it.
2. They accuse the exes of stalking them, being crazy and obsessed with them, being abusive towards them. Now some exes might match this and look crazy. That’s because the narcissist drove them that way. Some exes might constantly be messaging. That’s the trauma bond and the ex wanting answers and closure. The narcissists will start stalking exes as soon as the ex goes no contact. As for being abusive, listen carefully as that’s exactly what they did to the ex.
3. They accuse the ex of withholding the children. This can be one of two, one the narcissist does not need to use the children so cannot be bothered to see them, to escape accountability, they blame the ex, or two the ex has woken from the trance the narcissist put them under, realised how dangerous they are and stopped contact.
4. You get accused of being selfish, or ” that’s just like you.” Or “My ex would.” Yes, the crazy ex that did nothing but hurt them would have done something for them that you won’t. This is to confuse you. When you set a boundary, they want to break that down, and as they don’t believe you should have them, they accuse you of being selfish because they are selfish. They say, “that’s just like you.” Usually, when you’ve started treating them how they treat you. No contact for you to heal is their silent treatment for them to take you down. They are looking for a reaction from you.
5. They accuse you of lying, and this is because they themselves are compulsive liars.
6. They accuse others of all their problems, the narcissist caused for those people, and those have now stood up for themselves against the narcissist.
7. They accuse you of doing nothing for them. This is to get you to do something you don’t want to and break down your boundaries. In reality, when you stop and think, you most likely did everything for them, and they did nothing for you.
8. They say they’ll never hurt you as the ex hurt them. Meaning they are going to hurt you like they destroyed the ex.
9. They accuse you of being crazy depressed. They will most likely have sent you feeling this way if you’ve been around them for a long time. The reality is they are this way within themselves. Why they have to have a supply of others’ emotions to fill their own self-esteem? Once you break free and reality starts to return, you realise you were never the crazy one.
10. They accuse you of being a control freak, trying to break down your boundaries, values and beliefs. Stop you doing what you want to do and keep themselves in control of you.
11. They claim they can not trust you, as narcissists are extremely untrustworthy.
12. They say. “You’ll never find someone like me.” They believe they are far superior and better than anyone, so this is a kind of truth on their part, unfortunately with researchers suggesting one in five are on the disorder. They are not as unique as they believe themselves to be. Educate yourself, so you never find anyone like them again.
How to disarm.
1. No contact is the best method if that’s not possible grey rock.
2. Do not engage in it; do not listen to them. Do not react to them; don’t make it your problem, and don’t take it personally. Look at the bigger picture. What have they done? What are they thinking of doing? What are they doing?
3. When you defend yourself to them, this is what they want, and they view you as desperate, unstable and crazy. They will then turn your reactions into you being the problem.
4. Be who you want to be. Know it’s not about you. They are talking about themselves and trying to make their reality yours.
5. Have your boundaries, your no needs to mean no, and you need to stick to your no. If you feel the need to explain, do so once respond don’t react, then leave them be.
6. Be careful you don’t project your good qualities onto them once you understand what they are. Forgiving them, trying to help them and being kind to them will only ever harm you. It will never change them.
7. Don’t take it personally, recognising it as an admission of their true character when they personally attack yours with false accusations or the characters of those around you.
Stop explaining.
The narcissist’s projection.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered withBetterHelp(Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Hello, I’m Liz. I'm the slightly 🙄 dyslexic Blogger (So my grammar and punctuation aren't always the best.) who enjoys writing, and if I can overcome my fears and do it anyway, so can you. I have a YouTube channel which being dyslexic, my words are not always pronounced correctly, yet I still have some fantastic support from a fantastic community of survivors. If you want to do anything in life, half the battle is facing your fears and getting started. I am not a Doctor or a Councillor. I'm a mum and get the pleasure to raise five incredible boys. I'm a life coach. I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse. I would like to raise as much awareness as possible about the Narcissist Personality Disorder, to give people more understanding of what they've been through, more knowledge so hopefully, people know the signs so don’t get involved in the first place, ways to get out safely, help with all the counter-parenting the narcissist throws in, help with whoever the narcissist is in your life, and most importantly recovery from narcissistic abuse, so you can move past it and have an incredible life that you do deserve.💜
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