Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Psychology projection is a defence mechanism used by a narcissist to defend their own ego against their own negative qualities, by denying the existence of their own inner faults and placing them onto others. A way of denying something they have done and passing it onto others. This can be thoughts, flaws, emotions, characteristics, actions and feelings that they don’t like within themselves.
They do not want to be discovered for who they indeed are. They do not want to admit any wrongdoing. So with words, they spew all their faults onto you.
They will exaggerate something you said as evidence, quote a third party as allies which could also be a lie, twist, distort and lie about reality.
All narcissist tell on themselves, through projection they reveal what they are and what they are genuinely doing. They accuse you-you of what they have done, or what they are planning on doing, they accuse ex’s of what they truly put the ex’s through, they do this to pity play and get you on side, also to project their own fault away from themselves and onto others, so they don’t feel the inner shame of their actual actions. They project their feelings onto others, so they don’t have to deal with them, they make others feel guilty for what they do and who they are, as they are unable to feel that guilt within themselves.
As a narcissist is unable and unwilling to be held accountable or responsible, for things they think, say and do, they have to protect onto others to escape that accountability.
They will divert and distract you from what’s genuinely happening, by changing the subject, talking over you, anger and rage, or the silent treatment, or they will blame shift onto you. To get you and others to take responsibility for their actions and avoid accountability.
Observe what a narcissistic person does and the patterns they use, helps you get the truth from them, as they’ll never directly admit to anything. It’s when we absorb their toxic words we end you full off guilt, feeling like we are to blame, feeling confused for things we haven’t even done.
It’s like a bottle of poison, if we drink that poison it takes over every part of us slowly shutting down and killing us if we just look at that bottle of poison and read the label, we know it’s dangerous we understand what happens, and we don’t drink it.
Now, unfortunately, narcissists don’t come with warning labels. But one warning is listening and observe to how they talk about others, what they say people have done to them.
1. They accuse you of cheating, and not all narcissists will do this. Those that do will question where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, they will go on and on because they are cheating or planning on it.
2. They accuse the exes of stalking them, being crazy and obsessed with them. Being abusive towards them. Now some ex’s might match this and look crazy. That’s because the narcissist drove them that way, some exes might constantly be messaging, that’s the trauma bond and the ex wanting answers and closure. The narcissists will start stalking exes as soon as the ex goes no contact. As for being abusive, listen carefully as that’s exactly what they did to the ex.
3. They accuse the ex of withholding the children. This can be one of two, and the narcissist does not need to use the children so cannot be bothered to see them, to escape accountability, they blame the ex, or the ex has woken from the trance the narcissist put them under, realised how dangerous they are and stopped contact.
4. You get accused of being selfish, or ” that’s just like you.” Or “My ex would.” Yes the crazy ex that did nothing but hurt them would have, this is to confuse you. When you set a boundary they want to break that down, and as they don’t believe you should have them, they accuse you of being selfish because they are selfish, they say “that’s just like you.” Usually, when you’ve started treating them how they treat you. No contact for you to heal is their silent treatment for them to take you down, they are looking for a reaction from you.
5. They accuse you of lying, and this is because they themselves are compulsive liars.
6. They accuse others of all their problems, they caused the other people problems, and those have now stood up for themselves against the narcissist.
7. They accuse you of doing nothing for them, this is to get you to do something you don’t want to and break down your boundaries, in reality when you stop and think, you most likely did everything for them and they did nothing for you.
8. They say they’ll never hurt you as the ex hurt them. Meaning they are going to hurt you like they destroyed the ex.
9. They accuse you of being crazy, depressed. They will most likely have sent you feeling this way if you’ve been around them for a long time, the reality is they are this way within themselves, why they have to have supply of others emotions to fill their own self-esteem, once you break free and reality starts to return you realise you were never the crazy one.
10. They accuse you of being a control freak, trying to break down your boundaries, values and beliefs. Stop you doing what you want to do and keep themselves in control of you.
11. They can not trust you, and a narcissist is extremely untrustworthy.
12. They say. “You’ll never find someone like me.” They believe they are far superior and better than anyone, so this is kind of truth on their part, unfortunately with researchers suggesting one in five are on the disorder. They are not as unique as they believe themselves to be. Educate yourself, so you never find anyone like them again.
How to disarm.
1. No contact is the best method if that’s not possible grey rock.
2. Do not engage in it; do not listen to them. Do not react to them; don’t make it your problem and don’t take it personally. Look at the bigger picture. What have they done? What are they thinking of doing? What are they doing?
3. When you defend yourself to them, this is what they want, and they view you as desperate, unstable and crazy. They will then turn your reactions into you being the problem.
4. Be who you want to be, know it’s not about you they are talking about themselves and trying to make their reality yours.
5. Have your boundaries, your no needs to mean no, and you need to stick to your no, if you feel the need to explain, do so once respond don’t react, then leave them be.
6. Be careful you don’t project your good qualities onto them once you understand what they are. Forgiving them, trying to help them and being kind to them, will only ever harm you, it will never change them.
Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.
Hello I’m Liz, and I get the pleasure to raise five incredible boys, I have three with the ex-husband, who’s just unique, and my youngest two with the ex-narcissist, wanting to raise as much awareness as possible about narcissist personality disorder, and ways to recover, so hopefully people know the signs so don’t get involved in the first place, get out safely, help with all the counter parenting the narcissist throws in, help with whoever the narcissist is in your life, and help with recovery so you can move past it and have an incredible life.
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