Why do some narcissists become obsessed with you?
Whether that’s the mass smear campaigns trying to destroy your livelihood and your name or the incessant hoovers, when you think perhaps they’re not that bad, or you feel bad for them and try to reach a compromise because they’re playing nice. They either take it as a signal to try and suck you further back into their games, either leaving you frustrated when they back down on that agreement just as you thought you had them figured out, or when they take it too far, and you tell them, no, then their tantrums begin.
The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, as they are all individuals. Some become more obsessed than others. This is why you need to implement no contact or grey rock to get the narcissist to leave you alone.
Narcissists will go through the love-bombing phase of the relationship when everything is perfect for getting you hooked, when they treat you better than anyone ever has during this phase, they will raise your expectations then they will slowly devalue you into lowering your standards, once they believe they have you hooked, they will stop doing things for you and expect more and more from you, once they realise you’re human and make mistakes, they will punish you, through passive aggressive-behaviours, silent treatments, projection and so many more, then they’ll gaslight all the blame onto you, as they drain your energy and you’re no longer filling their self-esteem, self-value, self-worth and self love up, as a narcissist seeks excessive attention from those around them to fill themselves up, which you can never do on a permanent basis, but as this becomes increasingly difficult as they’ve drained you from the person you were, a narcissist wants a person they control, only they don’t want the exhausted person, they want someone to make them feel good, while they remain in control, Narcissists can not help themselves as they genuinely don’t see themselves as the problem, to then you’re causing all theirs and all your problems, they slowly devalue you, Yet they’ll blame the change in you on you, they’ll also blame the change in you as to why they no longer do the things they did for you in the love bombing stage, as they think your not meeting their needs, then they find someone who will and then they discard you.
This happens with almost everyone they meet. Deep down, most narcissists are insecure individuals who have to pull others down to feel better within themselves. Which as most believe that all others are their problem and not themselves, as they rarely to never self-reflect, they never learn to grow and change. They believe all others cause the issues within their lives and not themselves. Narcissists do not have the same empathy towards others that those not on the disorder have, so they don’t care for how they hurt people; they might feel shame in the moments. Still, they deflect this by blaming others, by projecting their negative thoughts, feelings or behaviour onto those around them so that they can escape accountability. They are often insecure individuals, most fear abandonment which is why most jump from one relationship to another, often overlapping, to fill those insecurities within themselves, why they love bomb with such intensity, to feel better about themselves, why they seek that attention, when they love bomb and receive attention that fills their beliefs that they are special, that they are entitled, as they don’t know another way to raise themselves up, they see exploiting others as an advantage, often creating more shame within them, more lies to cover the shame, the more they deny to others, the more they deny to themselves, and others can not help them, you can only help those willing to help themselves, those willing to reflect, those willing to put in the work, and as many a narcissist doesn’t see themselves as the problem, they believe others are the problem, often guilt tripping people into helping them, as they’ve learned this works for them, most have gone into self-defensive fight mode, then they take the flight mode to protect themselves, the survival fight, flight, freeze or fawn. All people are capable of change, and some need more help than others. However, in order to change, people have to be able to reflect, learn from mistakes to see what needs to be changed.
Narcissists don’t trust others as they are envious of others, often seeking to destroy others, believing others seek to destroy and are envious of them. When you start to wake from their gaslighting and start to see something isn’t right, if they haven’t got a backup supply, they bring those intermittent reinforcements of the love bombing, or the idealisation, when they create that fake future, to give you the hope of the ideal and to distract you from what’s happening in the present. If you’re leaving them, do not risk telling them in person, they are individuals and some, not all, can be dangerous, if you tell them you’re leaving, some will plot against you, some with go for those pity plays to gain sympathy to guilt-trip you into staying, some may get aggressive and violent. So stay safe.
Narcissists don’t self reflect to see how they can help themselves. All they can do is project their problems onto all those around them.
As they don’t have any inner happiness, they always look for external sources to fill this void. Because they can not see what is wrong with them to heal themselves and find that inner happiness, they have to find external happiness, which is only ever temporary as they lack internal happiness. They are excessively envious and jealous people. They hate seeing others happy, as they can not find this within themselves, as they are not happy within themselves, they will never be happy with external people or possessions, they will always be looking for better, to fill that inner happiness that they can not look within themselves to fill.
So they feel important and desired they need attention and emotions from others directed only to them, they prefer positive, but will happily take negative, as their own subconscious is always feeding them negative thoughts, they need positive thoughts from others. Yet, their own mindset quickly turns these into negative again, they need to punish others and make others feel bad, to make themselves feel better, but it only lasts a short time for them, then their inner self-loathing comes back to haunt them, so they have to go again.
If you were abused, you were never the problem. No one deserves to be treated that way. What they do to others speaks volumes about them and not you, they have a personality disorder, which researchers are yet to find a way to help them understand and help themselves, their minds have been programmed in such a way, so far they have been unable to find a way to reprogram it so that they can recover or at least manage the disorder.
Those who lack empathy you must be careful around. Yes, they are hurtful. Yet, the levels they take it to depend on the individual, they are negative, which rubs off on others, so if you don’t or can not cut them out of your life, you need to manage your time around them, learn not to absorb that negativity energy, observing them for who they are, and learn not to react, no matter how much you try to help or explain, they don’t understand as they see others as the problem and not themselves. You can not love them better, your understanding will not help them manage their disorder, and your kindness will not help them manage it. Their inner dialogue and the way they talk to themselves doesn’t work that way.
Love is based on the perception of the individual. As narcissists are often insecure, they don’t feel good within themselves. This shows with their Arrogance and always wanting to put others down. If they were confident within themselves, they’d raise others up. Many insecure people will try to raise others up, as narcissistic people lack empathy, they pull others down. Narcissists often see others as an extension of themselves, where we have a mobile phone if the screen gets smashed, we either fix it or get a new one, that’s the same as narcissists with people, once you are no longer filling the narcissists cup up, which is, of course, draining as fast as we can fill it, they find one that will. We find ourselves drawing ourselves to fill them up until we have nothing left to give, then they move on, leaving us empty, self-care, you have to be at your best to give your best, there is no wrong in taking care of yourself, then others.
Narcissist uses others to take care of themselves.
Narcissists only miss the things you did for them, or the money the items you brought them, if they discard you, it’s because you were no longer meeting their needs, then when the new is no longer meeting their needs, when they see you’ve moved on, you look happy, you’re doing things you love again, they want that back, and with some it seems they can start to obsess about getting that back, if they can not have you back, most will seek to destroy you, to make themselves feel better, that actually you’re nothing special, they seek to sabotage those they perceive as do￼￼￼ing better than themselves, either by exploiting to meet a need of their own or destroying to feel better about themselves. Often lacking in object consistency, when there is a conflict or distance, they just don’t care for those who care for them or those they once claimed to care for. To a narcissist, it’s all about them and them getting their needs met.
So they can become obsessed with people, either because they want what a person has, or they want to destroy what a person has, they are envious and want to exploit to meet a need of their own, why they love bomb, idealise and hoover, them if they don’t succeed in getting what they believe they are entitled to, that anger and resentment kick in and with their lack in empathy they seek to destroy.
Where we can feel anger and resentment because someone has duped us, we still have the empathy to care, where we might like to see karma hit, we wouldn’t actually want bad on them, we might want to know the score has been settled, justice served. However, we wouldn’t want harm, as we still respect they are human. Narcissists will happily watch others go down to feel better about themselves.
This is why you mustn’t let them know anything about your new life. You need to make your new life look incredibly dull to them, do not react or defend yourself to them, they’re not listening, they are just soaking up the attention and your negative emotions when a narcissist isn’t getting their own way narcissists will up their games to try and get reactions from you.
When they believe they’ve lost control over you, they will either try to hoover if they think you have something valuable to offer them and then try to destroy if you’re not meeting their needs.
This is also why if you post to social media, you need to delete and block, them, their family and their friends, so they can not see what you’re up to.
Once they’ve circled around the games seeing no adverse reactions towards them from you, and if they don’t see you’ve happily moved on with your life and have something to offer them, hopefully, they’ll see no value in you, they see you’ve nothing to offer them, and most will leave you alone.
With those smear campaigns, no reaction is the best reaction as gossips often move on faster, some you need not to react; however, gather any evidence you can in case you need to contact authorities.
With hoovering, no reaction is best. When they’re getting nothing from you, they often move away from you. However, gather any evidence if it comes to the extreme, and you need to contact the authorities.
We have to learn and understand their predictable unbelievable behaviour, so they can no longer pull us in on their games, so we no longer feel anger as we raise our standard for the behaviour we will accept from others but lower our expectations that selfish people can understand us on the level we are coming from. Yet, we can understand and be mindful of the level they’re coming from, so we don’t get all emotional and pulled back info their toxic games.
Please see grey rock and no contact to help you distance yourself from the narcissist and hopefully get the narcissist to leave you alone.
Fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.