Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
One of the hardest things to do within ourselves to overcome narcissistic abuse is to stop dwelling in the pain of our past, to enjoy our present and move into a happier future.
When we’ve given all our love, hopes, dreams, money and homes into a relationship, for that person just to destroy it all, that devastating pain is a natural response.
Those who’ve been through a narcissistic abusive relationship, are not only left in a state of confusion trying to reclaim reality and work out what’s indeed happened to them, as well as rebuild themselves back up from scratch, their homes, jobs, friends their entire lives. They are also left mentally and physical drained and utterly heartbroken.
We can also be left with the belief that they are our soul mate, they need our help, we love them, yet at the same time they are cruel and heartless towards us. This is because the narcissist can play so nice then be soul-destroying to us, causing our body’s to release chemicals that leave us trauma bonded to them. We are weaning ourselves off the drugs our bodies have released. With the many manipulation tactics from the narcissist, they use leaving us believing it’s our fault. The conflict within ourselves that no one can be that horrible for no reason we must have done something.
It is not your fault, and no one deserves to be treated this way.
You might question “, but they can be so nice.” Those on the cluster B personality disorder Narcissists, borderlines and histrionics have a Disorder, they are not healthy people who switch it on when they feel criticism, anger or stress, this is who they are.
Coming out of any form of relationship with a narcissist often leaves us in a state of disbelief, usually because of our own perceptions, values, beliefs, kindness, trust in others, making allowances for mistakes, with the help of their gaslighting, blame-shifting, the silent treatment and projecting their faults onto us. We rationalise, make excuses, blame ourselves and give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, or through fear of reactions, fear no one will understand, help or believe us, and if you’ve been isolated, fear of being alone can also keep us trapped in the cycle of abuse.
When we finally awaken from the trance they put us under and finally break free for good, it can seem like a never-ending mountain to climb, and we are drained emotionally, physically and financially. Often with the narcissist still playing games.
Here are some top tips for practising daily, even when you take a step or two back, get up and go again, you will find your inner happiness, freedom and a new life for you.
1. Be patient and kind to yourself, and it takes time, work and effort from within yourself. If you’ve slipped up and reacted to them, had a knockback, or just a bad day, it’s ok these things happen, deal with the emotions, then move on from that moment as it is now in your past.
2. Create new routines for you; sometimes we miss the routine we had, starting new ones for yourself, realising you now only have to answer to yourself and do what’s right for you.
3. Release the toxicity out of your mind, and when we’ve been around these people, they poison our minds, then our subconscious starts to work against us. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, support groups, coaches, psychologists, EMDR treatment to release it all from your mind, then work on building your mind to think how you want to, look for the positive, no matter how big or how small and keep going, keep achieving more.
4. Accept and acknowledge the truth, then forgive yourself. You have to realise you were manipulated and duped by an extremely toxic person, who just wanted to use you for your good qualities, they do not care for you, they just want to hurt you, your forgiving kind and generous traits were used against you, being a good person is nothing to be ashamed of, learning to say no will become a deal-breaker with these kinds of people in the future.
5. Boundaries, no contact or grey rock with negative people, practice the art of saying no to things you don’t want to do, don’t accept something you don’t like as normal behaviour and say yes. Stick to your no.
6. Accept that part of you knew, that part was most likely your instincts. Now is the time to tune into these and use them wisely. ( this is not to blame yourself, no one deserves to be abused.) this is to take responsibility for the choices you made, so you can take action not to make these choices again. Perhaps at the beginning, you thought something was off but didn’t know what, or something just didn’t add up. This is your instinct trying to warn you, now when you feel them don’t look for answers or excuses, go with them and never against them.
7. Heal any old wounds or insecurities for you, as narcissists are predictors, who choose a target they know they’ll be able to take down. Accept yourself for who you are, we all make mistakes, we all have insecurities, what others think of us, or our past is not for us, only you define you. Get to know yourself so well, others will no longer be able to use you against you.
8. Heal your inner child. Write a letter to your childhood self, look at photos of you as a child, what scars did you carry and why, tell your inner child that it is loveable and worthy, think and write down the things you loved doing as a child.
9. Shift your focus, and you will go through a period of time where you are drawn into your past, they will be running through your mind, the pull of the trauma bond, you might still need to work out some of your past, set aside time to do so, don’t let it steal your present day.
You are now more aware of yourself and educated on life itself, create new visions and dreams for you, take those steps to make these happen, the possibilities are endless, and you never know how far you can go. When you feel down focus on how far you’ve come, even if that’s just getting out, changing one thing can change everything for you.
10. Keep working on and listening to your inner voice, throw out any negative self-talk, words like “no one will love me.” And ” I’m not good enough.” This makes you pray to more manipulative people. Learn to create and love yourself for who you are, learn to believe in you, learn those instincts so you can now trust in yourself, ask yourself and give yourself truthful answers, ” who am I? ” if you don’t know. “Who do I want to be.” And keep going.
If you have a choice, ask yourself. “How do I feel about saying, yes?” ” How do I feel about saying no?” It’s about putting yourself first. Getting answers from you. So long as your intentions are good, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life, so live it for you.
Listen to those instincts; if things don’t add up about someone, don’t make excuses, those people are not for you.
11. Abusive relationships, leaving an abusive relationship, or if they are still playing games. This stresses our minds and body’s, and it is now time to move from the survival mode of flight fight or fawn, turn into digest and rest. Work through what you’ve been through, digest the information, let out those emotions, rest as it can be draining, then get up and do something that make you happy.
Cold showers help with losing the stress as this as you need to stimulate your Vegas nerve. Singing, yoga, meditation, breath in and out deep and slow, laughter, humour is excellent medicine. Exercise sleep on your right is a few to help stimulate your Vegas nerve.
You are not alone in this. You can, and you will recover. Willpower, drive, determination, persistence and commitment to your self will see you through this. Tell yourself. “I can.” And you will, I believe in you, believe in yourself too.
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