Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Why are narcissistic people the way they are?
Were they born this way? Was it learned behaviour? Did something happen to them as a child? That they turned to the fight survivor mode, as they were young, they could never figure out how to turn this programming off. There is a lot of speculation about why they are the way they are, yet no conclusive reason yet, lots of possibilities that all give a fair point as to why.
Study shows that 20% of people are now on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. So is this a rising epidemic, Or are we just becoming more aware of these disorders?
Are we judging too many and putting everyone we can into some sort of personality box, to explain away who they are?
Were narcissistic people created this way so they could achieve in the world but somehow lost their way?
To me personally,
Narcissists are very self-centred, due to their own lack of self-awareness, low self-esteem needing others attention, deeply hidden insecurities, they put on a false self to all those around them to pretend to others that they are better than they actually are, this leads them from one lie to another, if they get found out about one, the others may come out, so they continue to lie their way through life creating a crazy pattern that they can not climb back out of. Instead, they just keep sinking lower, yet believing they are greater and deserve better. They will never accept accountability, on false apology’s if they feel they have something to gain by doing so.
They only feel shame and to remove that shame
They will always blame all those around them, through word salad, gaslighting and manipulation, protection, verbal and physical abuse. Why? To protect themselves, the problem with telling others so many lies is most actually end up believing their own lies as truths, leading them to believe their version of the false reality they’ve created to protect themselves, as their reality to them is the real reality, therefore whatever you say or do, that they feel goes against that false reality, or they take as criticism, they believe you’ve turned against them, and you are actually completely at fault, in their false reality.
All narcissists have a complete lack of empathy for others in their lives. They have to protect this false self-image from feeling more secure, and better than all others to feel better about themselves. As narcissists don’t believe they are worthy they have to use manipulation tactics to deceive all those around them, the problem with doing this over a long period of time is they just program their mindset to act this way, and it’s deeply rooted in their subconscious, they are just set in default mode to act this way, and can not understand others, opinions, points of view, they just see it as others are working against them, or out to get them, so they then have to seek revenge on those people. They keep trying, but because they’re not secure and happy within themselves, because they can not create internal happiness, they can never find external states of joy, they need reactions and emotions from others to feel better about themselves, if they can not get positive, they will take negative, anything, so they are the centre of other worlds.
They, on some level, must understand they hurt others, as they themselves don’t trust in others as they know what they are capable of, or do they just believe everyone thinks like them? Therefore if you say something, they don’t agree with. They believe you’re trying to manipulate them.
Most go back to their ex’s, for the hoover, some even years later. So where we go through the long hard process, of healing ourselves, getting over the hurt and pain, them moving forwards on to a happier life, finally shaking them out of our headspace, do they just mask this deep pain that they can not handle by moving straight on time and time again, and as they never truly processed the emotions, instead just added another layer of icing which slowly drys and crakes, are we actually ingrained in their minds for all eternity.
It’s not easy, and it’s not nice, yet we go through them all, we let them all out, and we forgive, we learn, and we move on, from the inside out, do narcissists only do this on the outside?
They will never be accountable as they have completely missed out how it truly started, they focus on the fact you reacted, and they’ll blame it all on you.
They don’t see themselves as the problem, so they’ll never accept any responsibility,
They believe you made them do it, and it’s always your fault. Therefore they project that on to you.
They need to feel powerful and better than all those around them, to keep their insecurities deeply hidden. Therefore they have a need for survival and how they achieve this is by becoming the puppet master of all those around them.
They are incapable of feeling the true emotions of love and happiness, so they have to watch and take it from others, ever noticed when you were somewhere having a great time laughing away, and you can sense someone is staring at you, then when you look, you see it’s the narcissist, they’ve got a look your instinct doesn’t like, but you can not work out what it is, it’s envy, and jealous, also looking in great wonder of how you do it, trying to figure it out, then they have to slowly take it away from you as they are so jealous they can never truly do it.
Or when you’ve been upset, and they have an odd look in their eyes, they’re almost sucking in your emotions, they have no clue as to how you truly feel, no empathy to relate to you, they’ve learnt the actin needed, but it’s not true in them to actually care about anyone other than themselves,
When they exaggerate all their achievements, this is because to them what they have achieved is still not good enough, they don’t know why it isn’t they just know they need more,
They would prefer those around them to fear them, then not think of them at all, so if they can not have unconditional love that they believe they deserve, even though they themselves can not give it out, they will take it as criticism and set out to destroy you, all to keep their inner pain masked over with more falseness.
I know my own personal thoughts on the above, but we are entitled to our own, why I haven’t put my answers in.
You may have some point questioned if you were a narcissist? I know I did, understanding about NPD helps you to realise you were never the problem, it did not start with you, and it will not end with you.
If you care for other feelings, if you don’t like others getting hurt, if you love others, if you want to help and protect others, you have empathy, you are not a narcissist,
If you can genuinely laugh and find things funny, you are not a narcissist, narcissistic people often have a fake laugh. ( I’ve always disliked my laughter as I believed it sounded fake, and then when looking up trying to work out if it was me the narc or him, When I read the laughter I was like oh crap I’m a narcissist, someone come and rescue my children please.) yet I find things genuine funny, my laugh is, unfortunately, a trait of a narcissist and we all have a trait or two of nearly every personality going.
Do you feel real sadness, you are not a narcissist?
Do you try your best to help others, and hate seeing others in pain, do you worry you may have upset someone, without meaning to, you are not a narcissist,
Do you regret your reactions? To someone’s miss treatment of you? Did you hate who you were turning into around them? You are not a narcissist, just normal human, fight, flight, freeze or fawn, to protect yourself, human nature.
Are you a nicer person when your not around them. You are not a narcissistic person.
If you are in or have been in an abusive relationship, mental, physical or both, no matter what personality type they are, you need to get out and stay out, if they could stop themselves or not, only matters for your forgiveness, to move forward, but no matter what, no one and I mean no one ever deserves to be mistreated.
We need more compassion to bring people together, or we are just as bad as the toxic people in the world wanting to rip others down.
We can not help them, yet what we can do is help, support and bring those together who do want kindness, walk free from all those who just want to harm others, leave all those negative people to each other, and hope they figure their shit out before they completely destroy each other.
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