Why Are Narcissists The Way They Are.

Why are narcissistic people the way they are?

Were they born this way? Was it learned behaviour? Did something happen to them as a child? That they turned to the fight survivor mode, when they were young, then they could never figure out how to turn this programming off. There is a lot of speculation about why they are the way they are, yet to date, no conclusive reason, lots of possibilities that all give a fair point as to why.

Study shows that 1% of people are now on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. So is this a rising epidemic, Or are we just becoming more aware of these disorders?

Are we judging too many and putting everyone we can into some sort of personality box to explain away who they are?

Were narcissistic people created this way so they could achieve in the world but somehow lost their way?

To me personally,

Narcissists are very self-centred, due to their own lack of self-awareness, low self-esteem needing others attention, due to their deeply hidden insecurities, they put on a false self to all those around them to pretend to others that they are perfect, that they are better than they actually are, this leads them from one lie to another, if they get found out about one, the others may come out, so they continue to lie their way through life creating a crazy pattern that they can not climb back out of. Instead, they just keep sinking lower, yet believing they are more significant and deserve better. They will never take responsibility. Only false apology’s if they feel they have something to gain by doing so. Narcissists are some of the most selfish, self-entitled, hypocritical, manipulative people one could ever have the misfortune to meet.

They feel shame and to remove that shame.

Narcissists will always blame all those around them through their word salad, gaslighting and manipulation, projection, verbal and physical abuse. Why? To protect themselves, the problem with telling others so many lies is most actually end up believing their own lies as truths, leading them to believe their version of the false reality they’ve created to protect themselves, as their reality to them is the real reality, therefore whatever you say or do, that they feel goes against that false reality, or they take as criticism, they believe you’ve turned against them, and you are actually completely at fault, in their false reality.

Narcissists are selfish. They have a lack of empathy for others in their lives. They have to protect this false self-image to feel more secure and better than all others to feel better about themselves. As deep down, narcissists don’t believe they are worthy. They have to use manipulation tactics to deceive all those around them. The problem with doing this over a long period of time is they just program their mindset to act this way. It’s deeply rooted in their subconscious. They are only set in default mode to act this way and can not understand others, opinions or points of view. They just see it as others are working against them or out to get them. They are envious people. Therefore they believe others are envious of them, so they then have to seek revenge on those people. Narcissists seek to destroy those they are envious of because they’re not secure and happy within themselves because they can not create internal happiness, they can never find lasting states of joy, they need reactions and emotions from others to feel better about themselves, if they can get positive attention, admiration and praise, all the better, if they can take revenge to hurt another, reactive to blame another, they don’t care anything. So long as they feel like they are the centre of other worlds.

Narcissists, on some level, must understand they hurt others, as they themselves don’t trust in others as they know what they are capable of, so do they just believe everyone thinks like them? Therefore if you say something, they disagree with it. They believe you’re trying to manipulate them.

Most narcissists go back to their ex’s, for the hoover, some even years later. So where we go through the long hard process of healing ourselves, getting over the hurt and pain, then moving forwards on to a happier life, finally shaking them out of our headspace, does the narcissist just mask this deep pain that they can not handle by moving straight on time and time again? and as they never truly processed the emotions, never accepted any fault. Instead, they just added more lies to cover the cracks.

It’s not easy, and it’s not nice, yet we go through pain, we all go through heartache, we all make mistakes, we grow through the pain, we forgive, we learn, and we move on, from the inside out, do narcissists only do this on the outside?

They will never be accountable as they have completely missed out on how it truly started, they focus on the fact you reacted, and they’ll blame it all on you.

They don’t see themselves as the problem, so they’ll never accept any responsibility,

They project their wrongdoings over to you. Therefore they believe you’re at fault. They believe you made them do it, and it’s always your fault.

They need to feel powerful and better than all those around them to keep their insecurities deeply hidden. Therefore they have a need for survival, and how they achieve this is by becoming the puppet master of all those around them.

They are incapable of feeling the unconditional emotions of love and happiness, as those with compassion do, so they have to watch and take it from others. Ever noticed when you were somewhere having a great time laughing away. You can sense someone is staring at you. When you look, you see it’s the narcissist. They’ve got a look that look your instinct doesn’t like, but as you can not work out what that look is, you rationalise it away. That look is often the narcissist’s envy and jealousy, also looking in the great wonder of how you do it, trying to figure it out. They have to slowly exploit you, to take it away from you as they are so jealous they can never truly do it.

Or when you’ve been upset, and they have an odd look in their eyes, they’re almost sucking in your emotions, they have no clue as to how you truly feel, lacking in empathy to relate to you, they’ve learnt the actions needed to manipulate you, but it’s not genuine in them to actually care about anyone other than themselves,

When they exaggerate all their achievements, this is because to them, what they have achieved is still not good enough. They don’t know why it isn’t. They just know they need more.

Narcissistic people would prefer those around them to fear them, than not think of the narcissist at all, so if they can not have an unconditional love that they believe they deserve, even though they themselves can not give it out, they will take it as criticism and set out to destroy you, all to keep their inner pain masked over with more falseness.

You may have at some point questioned if you were a narcissist? I know I did. Understanding NPD helps you realise you were never the problem, it did not start with you, and it will not end with you.

If you care for other feelings, if you don’t like others getting hurt, if you love others, if you want to help and protect others, you have empathy, you are not a narcissist,

If you can genuinely laugh and find things funny, you are not a narcissist. Narcissistic people often have a fake laugh.

Do you feel genuine sadness for those around you that are hurting? You are not a narcissist?

Do you try your best to help others and hate seeing others in pain? Do you worry you may have upset someone without meaning to? You are not a narcissist,

Do you regret your reactions? To someone’s mistreatment of you? Did you hate who you were turning into around them? You are not a narcissist, just a normal human, fight, flight, freeze or fawn to protect yourself, human nature.

Are you a nicer person when you are not around them? You are not a narcissistic person.

If you are in or have been in an abusive relationship, mental, physical or both, no matter what personality type they are, you need to get out and stay out, if they could stop themselves or not, only matters for your forgiveness, to move forward, but no matter what, no one and I mean no one ever deserves to be mistreated.

We need more compassion to bring people together, or we are just as bad as the toxic people in the world wanting to rip others down.

We can not help them, yet what we can do is help, support and bring those together who do want kindness, walk free from all those who just want to harm others, leave all those negative people to each other, and hope they figure out their shit out before they completely destroy each other.

The narcissists logic.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.


The difference between a narcissists behaviour and your protection.

Leave a Reply