Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
They will flatter you, pay close attention, there is a post on the page about how they use flattery and not compliments, they use this tactic during the love-bombing phase, they find out your needs, wants and desires, either from checking your social media, talking to others to find information about you and what feels like deep heart to hearts, in the beginning, they are just gathering all information about you, first to hook you in, then to use your insecurities to exploit you. They will flatter you, give you constant attention, plan a fake future with you, and they will love everything you do, and hate everything you hate. Once you are hooked on the constant attention, they’ll take it away, to make you work harder to get it again. They will get you to tell them all your secrets, so they can further manipulate by one day using those very secrets against you, any way they can.
They fish for compliments, and they need to boost their self-esteem to help them keep their inflated ego going. They will fish for compliments from, family, friends, coworkers, children, anybody they can, social media, to keep their false selves and ego going. It’s more evident with an overt narcissist, but covert does it too.
They will set the environment. They will provoke you to get reactions, so they can blame you, play victim or silent treatment to get you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do, gaslighting you, so you are no longer sure of reality, often leaning on them for a reality check. They will create a topic or an atmosphere, to provoke other emotional responses, they always have a hidden agenda.
Sometimes in these situations, you have to keep diary’s so, you can go back to check events, ask yourself, are they my feelings, or are they passing theirs onto me?
They will gossip about everybody, often trying to get others to gossip with them, so they can go to the other and let them know all that you said about them, triangulation and divide and conquer technique, so others only trust in them and distance themselves from friends that may not have said anything in the first place, or reacted to what the narcissist told them you’d said, even though the narcissist was the one who said it. They also want to gain as much information about others, to one day use against them. They will twist the story, so the gossip was all you, even if they were the one doing the taking. As well as triangulation, they will also use jealousy, and narcissists are extremely envious and jealous people. So they may go all out complimenting others in front of you. Especially about things you feel insecure about within yourself. If you question them, you’ll get the. “You’re too sensitive.” Or “you’re overacting.” They will undermine you in front of others, and they have probably already smeared you to others.
They will bargain with you and pity play to get you to do things you don’t want to or to make you feel guilty. They may compare you with someone else who has done something to try and break down your boundaries or say things like. “If you loved me, you would.” Or “Remember when I did this for you.” Or “you owe me because of that thing I did just for you.” This is all guilt-tripping you and projecting to either make you not feel as good as others, so you conform to their demands, or make you feel like you owe them.
They will guilt trip you in passive-aggressive ways, to get you to break down your boundaries. By the bargaining, gaslighting and projecting, creating arguments about what you should have done, or could have done better for the narcissist, then blaming it all on you.
They will either talk you out of doing something or talk you into doing something, and they will make out they know you better than you know yourself, and explain through manipulation why you should or should not do something like. “You’d never do that.” Or the bargaining method of “if you loved me, you would.”
They will play the victim, the covert narcissist more than the overt, but depending on the situation and what the can gain from someone attention wise by playing the victim card, the most narcissist will use this tactic at some point. This gets you sympathy and empathy as you can put yourself in other’s shoes, so you want to reach out and protect and help them, any way you can, which will lead you to lose who you indeed are over time. They will then play victim to others, for how crazy you are and how they’re doing all they can to help you.
They will promise you things and then not deliver, to try and get reactions out of you, for which they can then blame your reactions for why they didn’t do it.
My ex-narcissist was all for decorating our sons bedroom, ready to move in before his younger brother was born, yet because I wouldn’t put my 11-year-old in with his two older brothers bedroom, to allow a two-year-old to have a room of their own, they used this as to why they wouldn’t pay for any of the decorating materials. They also used this as to why they wouldn’t help me decorate move bunk beds around at 32 weeks pregnant with a low lying placenta, and they simply did not care, also because our son did have anxiety, not that I saw it at the time, I just believed he was sensitive as some young children are, I was the one that sat on the floor to soothe him to sleep at 32 weeks pregnant, spending two weeks slowly moving myself further to the door and into the hall, until the night he got it, not that it lasted longer but that’s another story. Not that I minded doing any of this, it was for my son, yet the narcissist time and time again, picked out that they wouldn’t help or pay as I was too stubborn, they wouldn’t have a conversation about how eldest was doing GCSEs and needed space, how our son wanted his brother in the room to feel more secure, it’s merely the narcissist way or the high way.
When using false promises, they will also use it to manipulate you more and leave you even more confused about reality with the. “I never said I’d do that you must be imagining things.” Or the. “I did it last month for you, do you not remember?” Of course, you don’t as they never did, slowly but surely leaving you doubting yourself more and more.
The hoover, when they try to suck you back in, stalking you, reaching out to friends and family, missed calls, messages, the false apology. All because the new person isn’t working out as well as they first hopped, don’t get your hopes up, they will try to discard the new, by leaving the door open so that they can triangulate you both, so you both work harder, to win the narcissists affection.
My best advice when they try this. Let them go, they are not worthy of you, they are not good enough for you, you can do so much better, lose your pride and your ego to save yourself, and pity the fool that ends up with a manipulative twit that’s just using them
Like they used you. Also keep true to yourself, if that person one day needs help to recover, remember just how horrendous they relationship was, and that they just got sucked into a twisted relationship of lies, drama and manipulation, be kind to others who didn’t know any better and help them recover, if they ever ask you, even if you just point them in the direction of support groups, as you will get to a happier place, and you will be a better person for it. You’ll no longer hold any resentment, and you’ll not wish that ex on your worst enemy, who also happens to be that ex.
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