Some underlying beliefs you may have which keeps you locked into the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Not everyone will have these, but those that do need to overcome them to break the cycle so that they can live a much happier life within themselves and with good people.
To develop and grow, we as humans have to confront and deal with those lies we tell ourselves within our own minds, those excuses we tell ourselves when we don’t want to see or don’t understand the reality of what’s happening to us, these are most often done by ourselves to protect ourselves, within our minds our excuses are very valid, just like fear. When we fear something, it can stop us doing the very thing we need to do. Fear is an emotion to serve us, to find a safe way around things we fear, as is pain; we experience physical pain when we hurt ourselves; that pain guides us to either find a new approach or change direction. Mental pain teaches us to either change our perceptions, change our procedure, or change our direction.
If you have a pattern of attracting narcissists, this is the issues you may need to work on within yourself.
Although in the relationship, you don’t go in giving in order to receive. It’s most often an inner false belief of. If I’m good to you, provide you with what you need, love you, and I’m kind to you. You’ll do the same for me. With most people, this is true, and relationships are about give and take; however, sometimes, we don’t want to see that those negative people exist. We wish to help them, to a detrimental effect on our own mental and physical health.
Most often, this is done believing that’s the only communication needed, that you don’t have to explain your needs to them. Thus leaving you to deny yourself your own needs, to self sacrifice your needs to serve others, becoming the perfect pray for a narcissistic person.
Often not understanding your fundamental needs, not speaking out and up for yourself. Therefore you covertly ask for them to be met. ( just because you do something covertly doesn’t make you a narcissist.)
It can be down to shyness, either from childhood programming of your mindset, or previous toxic relationships, that you no longer feel you can speak up for your own needs for fear of reactions or rejection. So now you give in other ways, hoping to receive the same love back that you give. Treat people how you’d like to be treated. Toxic people take advantage of this method of communication.
As nice as you can be as a person, the more you give and the less you receive, most often leaves some people with anger, resentment, hostility. This is human nature when taken advantage of, or needs not being met, or being provoked by others.
Some people then get trapped into the mindset that it would make them bad or selfish people if they speak out about their own needs or say no to someone else’s need.
With the narcissists manipulation and pathological ways of getting their needs met. This means most often you stay as they trigger your human need for contribution, giving, and serving others. Remaining with the narcissist, hoping they’ll change.
Hoping when you give, they’ll provide you with something in return, and as now and again with their intermittent play nice, this happens. When they do give, it’s incredible, so you stay in the relationship a little longer, hoping for that person you met to return, continuing to provide for them and not getting much back.
A narcissist provides others with intermittent re-enforcement. Until you get so sick and tired of being sick and tired and reach your limit of giving, and mostly receiving hurt and neglect in return.
It takes courage to unlearn your programmed mindset and inner dialogue, and it takes courage and strength to stop giving to those who are not worthy of you; it takes losing your pride and your ego to help yourself overcome your fears and being able to not only give but also ask for help and take it.
It takes time to stop denying yourself your own needs. It’s also time to stop just giving, time to stop people-pleasing those who only wish to use you. It’s time to stop being nice to everyone in the hope they’ll be nice to you.
It’s time to state your needs and if they’re not being met, move onto better, more optimistic, more friendly people.
You’re allowed to give, you’re allowed to please others, you’re allowed to help others, but if those you are doing these things for only take, they are not your people.
Those who say it’s costs nothing to be kind haven’t met a narcissist.
Abuse is abuse, mental or physical, and no one deserves to be abused; if someone mistreats you, you have the power within you to safely and kindly walk away, to let life educate them.
There is no wrong way or right way to live your life; with good intentions, there is only your way.
You can and you will recover.
You are enough.
Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.