As narcissists are the masters of the self-entitled hypocrites, they often honestly believe it’s one rule for them and a completely different rule that suits the narcissist for those around the narcissist.
Narcissists unfairly expect others to follow their rules while they fail to follow their own rules. Often finding logical fallacies to justify their behaviour, or lying and denying their behaviour while bringing up something you might not have even done, to get you to defend and explain yourself to them, so they don’t have to explain themselves to you, the narcissists whataboutism. When the narcissist claims, “what about when you?” Yet when you bring up something they actually did, the narcissist will fire back. “Oh, I knew you’d blame me. You’re never wrong, are you.” again, to get you on the defensive while the narcissist plays the victim.
Narcissists are incredibly self-entitled, always putting their own needs first while they project, accuse you of being selfish, stubborn and awkward, and accuse you of making it all about you to deflect that they think it should all be about them.
A narcissist is a hypocrite. They’ll put on whatever face they need to exploit another, their admiration face to lull people into a false sense of security, or their victim face to exploit people’s compassion, their hero face to gain adoration and their envious face to make others feel bad for having something the narcissists doesn’t.
Here are 15 signs of the narcissists double standards.
1. Wanting things fast, taking things slow.
Anything a narcissist wants they want doing yesterday, their grandiose sense of entitlement often means they lack patience. They expect to be served first. If they want to go somewhere, you need to be ready. If they need a roof over their head, they’re stopping over and never leaving, before you know it they’ve moved in. Yet if they promise you something in the future to get their needs met in the present, you’re expected to wait patiently if they promise to look into buying a home together, yet they already have one with someone you know nothing about. It’ll always be a tomorrow away as they come up with some justification to stall you. “When I get this pay rise, when you get that job.” As rational people can say these things and mean these things, reasonable people can show compassion and understanding when others say them, not realising that when a narcissist says these things, they’re exploiting.
2. Breaks agreements, demands action.
A narcissist will happily arrange to do something with you. Usually, their false promises to get their needs met by you in the present moment. Once their need has been met, they’re no longer interested in the promise they once made to you. Suddenly it’s a case of gaslighting as the narcissist comes at you with, “ I never said that.” “you’re imagining things.” or “if you hadn’t.” to justify why they’ve broken a promise by blaming you, to get you to question your reality and not the reality they’re creating for you. Yet they expect you to drop everything and serve them as and when they need serving, and if you don’t, they’ll try to guilt-trip you with. “After all I’ve done for you.” “if you loved me, you would.” as a narcissist doesn’t respect your no, they expect compliance.
3. No one can accuse them, happy to accuse others.
No matter what goes wrong in a narcissist’s life, whatever they haven’t got, whatever they’ve done to another, to a narcissist, it’s never their fault. It’s always someone else wrongdoing as the narcissist looks for a scapegoat Claiming, “if it wasn’t for them. Some people have all the luck. If only you hadn’t.”
When around those who don’t think they do any wrong, they’re going to be looking for someone else to take the fall, yet if you let a narcissist know they lied to you, they’ll still blame you. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”
A narcissist will happily point out others flaws, weaknesses, mistakes, wrongdoing. Still, they’ll be hell to pay if anyone points out any of theirs, from the narcissistic rage to the narcissist’s silence.
4. They can humiliate you, While you’re not allowed to call them out.
A narcissist will happily shame, blame, criticise, ridicule, and mock you, any insecurity you have, any vulnerability, any weakness they’ll use against you to hurt you, in the home or in public. Yet, if you innocently ask them about something, in front of another, that you didn’t know they lied about, they will insult you, blame you, shame you, rage out at you or fall silent on you.
5. It’s ok for them to react to you, you’re not allowed to react to them.
A narcissist is allowed to react. You can have a simple conversation that they don’t want. Just asking a narcissist if they’re ok can set them off the wrong way, and they’ll find a way to blame you for it. “You know what I’m like. You should know when to leave me alone.” Yet when you’re confused, hurt, upset, and emotional and react to them because they’re provoking you, humiliating you, not communicating with you, they’ll suddenly be all happy, stand back like nothing is wrong and ask, “what’s wrong, with you.” “what’s your problem.” “ you’ve got mental issues.” As they believe they’re allowed to fall silent on you, rage out at you, yet you’re not allowed to shut down on them, not allowed to get emotional around them.
6. They can be vulnerable with you, You can not be vulnerable with them.
A narcissist is more than capable of acting all vulnerable to you, playing on the woe is me to exploit your compassion, gain sympathetic attention, telling you what they did to others while making out it’s what others did to them, to gain you onside to get you to dislike another, to become an enable in the narcissist’s abuse of another when the narcissist smears someone’s name to you, they gain sympathetic attention to exploiting both of you.
In the beginning, they can give you a little too much information, and they can ask too much, influencing you to open up to them.
Yet once in a relationship, they’ll no longer be interested in your feeling. They’ll expect you to be interested in theirs while they downplay yours. They’ll expect you to be supportive of them while they’re no longer supportive of you.
They will point out their bad day, what’s going wrong for them, who is against them, and expect you to pick up pieces for them, yet when you try to discuss yours, they’ll play it down “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, guess what happened to me.” or “do you think you are overreacting? when this happened to me.” as they turn the conversation back onto themselves so your feelings never get heard. If you try to continue, the narcissist might say, “its always about you.” as they project what they’re doing to you, making it all about them onto you, so you feel like you’re not listening to them, when they’re the ones not listening to you.
A narcissist will happily dump all their feelings onto you. Then when you try to explain yours, they’ll accuse you of overreacting, being too sensitive.
7. They expect to be able to do to you,What you shouldn’t do to them.
A narcissist will happily be secretive leave out information. When you call them out, they’ll claim, “I already told you, how can you of all people not remember.” or they’ll tell you where they are going just leave out who with, you might get to a point where you avoid telling them as they sabotage you doing the things you enjoy, invalidate friendships. when they find out you’ve not told them they’ll never trust you again, but they expect you to trust them. You can tell them what you’re doing, and they’ll claim “you never told me.” so you feel narcissistic when you say. “I did, can you not remember.” knowing you can say these things makes you doubt yourself all the more when they say them to you.
When a narcissist accuses you of doing something you’re not, that’s a big red flag.
8. They expect you to do for them, What they’re unwilling to do for you.
A narcissist expects you to share information with them that they’re unwilling to share with you. They’ll expect to know all about your finances, yet when you need to know about theirs, they’ll not tell you. “What do you need that for.” they’ll want to know where you are, but you’re not allowed to know where they are. They expect you to drive around after them, but they’re unwilling to drive around after you. You must drop everything for them, but they’ll not drop anything for you unless there is something in it for them.
9. Betray your confidence while expecting you to respect theirs.
A narcissist expects you to keep their secrets, not share what they tell you, yet they will happily use against you what you tell them in confidence against you, claiming “I didn’t know you didn’t want them to know.” or “what if your friend knew about.”
You might not break a narcissist’s confidence, yet they’ll never trust you. A narcissist will happily break yours and then expect you to get over it.
10. Expects you to forgive them, will not forgive you.
A narcissist will blame you for any and all of their wrongdoings, and they’ll expect your forgiveness. Yet they’ll not forgive you for the things they did to you, and they seek to continue to punish you. The more you forgive a narcissist the worse their behaviour gets.
11. They’re never wrong, you’re always wrong.
No matter what a narcissist does wrong, it’s never their fault. They will lie, deny, shame, blame, or anything other than admit fault, as nothing is ever their fault. They’re always going to be looking for a scapegoat to blame. Not only are they looking to blame you, but they’re also looking for you to make it up to them for the very things they’re doing to you.
12. They will not apologise to you, Yet they demand you apologise to them.
As narcissists don’t think they’re in the wrong, they often see no reason to apologise. If they see they’ve done something to you, they often find a reason to blame you so that the narcissist can remove any feelings of shame. Therefore if you’re unlucky enough to get an apology from one, it’s going to be “I’m sorry you, I’m sorry if, I’m sorry but.” as they twist everything onto you, they don’t recognise themselves as doing wrong, narcissists don’t feel remorseful, and they don’t wish to repair the damage their behaviour caused. Instead, they want you to make it up to them for making them hurt you.
Some narcissists will pass the blame over to you by stating, “I’m sorry, you know what I’m like.” and they will expect you to apologise to them for what they’re doing to you.
13. They will not change, but they expect you to change.
Narcissistic people are very reluctant to change. “You know what I’m like.” They’ll change their partners, their friends, their lies, and their manipulation. They change into the person they’re exploiting to sell them an illusion of who the person would like them to be. They don’t change for the better. Often, the more we try to help them, the worse their mistreatment of us gets. Yet they’ll expect you to change, stop going out with your friends, stop seeing your family, stop your hobbies, and no longer have an opinion unless it matches the narcissists. Walk on eggshells to serve them because they don’t think they should serve you. No give and take with a narcissist. Narcissists only give so they can take.
14. They can have an opinion, you can’t.
Narcissistic people can have an opinion, and you must agree if it’s controversial, if they’re putting someone else down, if you speak up, if you voice an opinion that differs from theirs, even if it’s just another perspective, a narcissist will come at you with. “I knew you’d take their side.” “You never agree with me.” They might then sulk. They might ask a question, and you think it’s about having a two-way conversation to reach a mutual understanding, agree to disagree, yet a narcissist will twist your words and say, “See, I knew I was right, so you agree. “
15. They can treat you like a stranger, you have to abide by them.
A narcissist will treat you very differently in the home than how they treat you outside the home. They can treat others with kindness and compassion, often leaving you questioning if it’s something you’ve done, it’s nothing you’ve done, it’s who they are. Narcissists manipulate others to get their needs met, often because you can feel uncomfortable in the home and begin to act differently around different people, to which a narcissist will then accuse you of being nicer to others than you are to them, the narcissist’s projection, leaving you to doubt and question yourself and not what they’re doing to you. A narcissist expects you to drop your friends and family for them, yet they’ll drop you for a complete stranger.
16. They can race ahead of you, but you must wait for them.
A narcissist will happily steam ahead of you. Some take it to the next level and hide from you, then stand watching you looking for them. When they suddenly reappear, the narcissist will have a go at you for losing sight of them, mock you, “keep up slowcoach.” “Wow, if this were something you wanted to do, you’d race ahead.” And when it is something you’d like to do, if you want to stop and look at something, they’ll move on. If you’re rushing to get somewhere, they’ll slow down with those gaslighting phrases of “what’s the rush.” So again, you’re left questioning yourself and not them. They always have to be two steps ahead of you in whatever you do so that they can keep control over you.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.