Sometimes the person who is acting emotionally unstable is the person who is being emotionally abused, and other times, the person who’s acting unstable is the abuser.
A Narcissist feels entitled to get their needs met. They are very arrogant and believe they are always right, and if others don’t agree with them, then the other person is wrong as the narcissist is always right. Narcissists can be extremely envious of others, often believing within themselves that others are envious of them. Narcissists have a belief that they are better than thou, and they lack the empathy to care for how their behaviour affects those around them, only how others perceptions of the narcissist would affect themselves.
When everything is going in the narcissist’s favour, when the narcissist is getting their needs met, whatever those needs are to that individual narcissist, all will be ok. However, it never stays ok as narcissists are incredibly envious of others. Hence, no matter how much you do for them, no matter how much you give them, it’s never enough for that narcissist, narcissists are always seeking to exploit others to get their needs met to feel better about themselves, as soon as a narcissist wants you to do something for them that goes against who you are, or they see something they want, down to them exploiting someone. You calling them out, the narcissists fear of being perceived in a different light by others than what that narcissist wants others to see, a narcissist will take this as criticism, instead of seeking to communicate their needs, feelings, wants or desires with others, they seek to use underhand manipulation to get their own way. When a narcissist has lied themselves into a situation when they’ve love-bombed, mirrored, future faked to sell themselves to another as someone they are not to get their needs met, to build a connection with others.
As a narcissist will promise others things to get their needs met, and once their needs are met, they look for ways to back out of their promises, ways where the narcissist doesn’t have to take any form of responsibility. A narcissist doesn’t want to take responsibility for their behaviour. To a narcissist, it’s always someone else fault when things go wrong.
When people call a narcissist out, in a way that the narcissist can not rationalise, explain, justify or gaslight their way out of, they’ll do all they can to bait you into reacting to them.
When a Narcissist feels scorned in some way, they’re going to shame you, blame you, criticise you, judge you, mimic you, mock you, humiliate you, belittle you, taught you, they’re going to use everything you once explained to them against you, the things you care for the most as these are the things you’ll most passionately defend, or they’ll go after the things you fear, or after your insecurities, to destroy your self-esteem so the narcissist can assert control, a narcissist plays many a mind game until they can provoke feelings of, frustration, anger, resentment, jealousy, any negative emotions to gain a reaction out of you, a narcissist will chip away at everything about who you are and anything that you do. A Narcissist will cause arguments. They’ll cause intrigue. They’ll cause pent up curiosity within you, justice-seeking within you until you get to the point where you emotional lash out at them. If possible, a narcissist will get that emotional reaction from you in front of an audience to help with their smear campaigns against you.
Once a narcissist has your emotional reactions, they’ll stand back and act all calm because they know they’ve got to you, they have control over you because they’ve got you going, they’ve passed however they were feeling over to you.
Reactive abuse, all a narcissist needs as evidence that you are the problem and they’re not.
What people experience is perfectly normal emotional reacts, to an abnormal amount of psychological manipulation. When your emotions have been abused to such an extreme, it’s normal to emotionally react to the very person who is using your emotions against you. That’s what they want from you.
Sometimes it can be the narcissist that explodes, a narcissist would rather impress a stranger than take care of their own family, strangers and people outside the family home can be treated very well by the narcissist, it’s only behind closed doors they change, and a narcissist will blame you for that change, so you’re lead to believe by the very person whose abusing you that you’re the problem when you’re not, their abuse is the problem.
One of the most confusing things about a narcissist is they know exactly when they need to rein in their behaviour.
A narcissist can act very different when there are witnesses around, from when you’re alone. When alone a narcissist can display major temper tantrum’s when they’re not getting their own way, when their sense of entitlement isn’t met, they want to intimidate or invalidate you to get their own way.
When a narcissist isn’t getting their own way when you say no when you stop reacting is when a narcissist will tantrum, then they will play many mind games to get their own way.
When you stop giving a narcissist what they want, this can trigger a narcissistic injury, which can trigger narcissistic rage, when a narcissist will emotionally react to you. Yet, they’ll still blame you, and when you’ve learned to emotional distance yourself from a narcissist, you can then be the one looking calm. As you’re no longer emotionally reactive to them, which can criticise the narcissist, as they fear losing control over you, usually because they have little control over themselves.
Narcissists create drama as you try to create peace. They try to gain emotional reactions as you try to stop giving them emotional reactions.
You can not get clarity from those who want to confuse you. You’ll not get sincerity from insincere people. You’ll not get understanding from those who are committed to making you misunderstand them. You will get pain, frustration, anger, resentment.
Trying to get a narcissist to understand you when they’re committed to making you misunderstand them and yourself, you want communication they want to control, you want clarity they want chaos, the only reasoning you’ll get from a narcissist will further confuse your mind, they’re only interested in justifying their unjust behaviour to get their own way, a narcissist wants to exploit you by controlling you, so they get their own way, you can not win with manipulative people, the more you give, the more they take, the more they take, the more they expect.
Anything you say to a narcissist to get them to understand you, restore peace and compromise will be taken down as evidence by the narcissist to be twisted around and used against you, either in present communication or later down the line. Narcissists just use what you say or do to play more mind games with you. Your perfectly valid emotions, opinions, values, beliefs will be used as ammunition by the narcissist to further their control over your feelings, such as hope, fear, anger, frustration, to gain emotional reactions from you, so they can blame you. A narcissist will appeal to your emotions to control you. However, you’ll not be able to appeal to theirs as they lack the empathy to care.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.