You don’t always attract what you are. Sometimes you attract people because of who you are. Sometimes you attract those who are envious of who you are or those who can exploit the qualities of who you are.
The narcissist personality is on a spectrum. You can have those who are far more dangerous and manipulative than others. You can also have those who have one or two traits of narcissism that do not have the disorder.
If someone is abusive mentally, psychologically, physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or financially, then narcissist or not, abuse is abuse, no excuse. Understanding narcissism helps us learn what we’ve been through and what behaviours are red flags. It’s never to excuse another’s mistreatment of you or those around you.
The narcissist’s behaviour is their responsibility not yours.
1. People who take responsibility for their behaviour.
It’s far easier for a narcissist to shift the blame onto those who hold themselves accountable for their actions and try to change for the better. Narcissistic people are looking for those who they can scapegoat to take the fall, and take responsibility for the narcissist’s behaviour, so the narcissist doesn’t have to.
2. Those raised by narcissistic parents.
Those raised by narcissistic parents have usually had their thoughts manipulated in such a way that they take the blame for others’ actions to accept conditional love, to accept the behaviour as normal that they should never have, to work hard to please others, children of narcissistic parents learn through their childhood this is how people treat them, even though they don’t treat others that way as the narcissistic parent trained the child up to serve narcissists.
A child being emotionally abused by their parent seldom stops loving their parents, instead they no longer feel enough within themselves.
3. A willingness to forgive.
People who are willing to overlook others’ faults, flaws, failings and mistakes because they know they have their own they know they make their own. Narcissists need people who are willing to forgive them, so the narcissist can take advantage of that forgiveness by repeatedly hurting that person. Forgiveness is something that’s personal to an individual.
4. Empathetic people.
People who are willing to try and understand another, willing to sympathise with the narcissist’s victim plays, people willing to put themselves in another’s shoes and feel what it feels like if the victim plays, a narcissist is selling them happened to them. Hence, they feel compelled to support the narcissist, help the narcissist, and forgive the narcissist because that narcissist had a bad day. People who are willing to open up and explain themselves as that narcissist can then use those very explanations against that person as leverage to manipulate that person, to guilt trip, to intimidate, to frustrate, to gain reactions knowing they’ll take responsibility for their behaviour and feel bad for reacting to the narcissist.
5. A willingness to help others.
Narcissists will happily exploit others’ compassion and use it against that person to the narcissist’s advantage. A narcissist loves finding those who will do all they can to help the narcissist, as this plays straight into the hands of a narcissist’s manipulative games.
6. People who have a positive outlook.
At the start of the relationship, a narcissist can feel good around those with a positive outlook. They can also future fake and give false hope knowing those with a positive outlook will look for the best-case scenario. Narcissists can be grandiose. They can put that charismatic charm on to pull those in with a positive outlook. Someone who wants something from their life as a narcissist will latch onto those dreams to mirror them and sell them back to the positive person.
7. Loyal, honest, trustworthy people.
Those who are trustworthy often trust in others, those who are loyal often believe others are loyal to them, and those who are honest often believe others will be honest with them. These are the qualities a narcissist needs within another to exploit another, to be able to get away with what they do for as long as they do. When people don’t know about narcissism, they don’t recognise the behaviour. Often they believe people are coming from the same place they are due to the narcissist mirroring and selling an illusion that they too are loyal, honest, trustworthy people, only to find out later down the line they lied about who they are to exploit who you are.
8. Humble people.
A Narcissist knows humble people seldom go around telling everyone about their business. Therefore the narcissist can, knowing people are only getting the narcissist’s version of events. Humble people can show a low estimate of their worth so others will not be complimentary towards them, making it far easier for a narcissist to invalidate and devalue humble people.
9. Reliable people.
As narcissists know, they can let people down. They require being around reliable people. As the person is reliable, they’ll still be there for the narcissist. They’ll still show up and do their best to help the narcissist, even when the narcissist isn’t there for them.
How to stop attracting narcissistic people.
1. Learn your values and beliefs.
2. Create your boundaries.
3. Stay in your reality. Listen to yourself, not others.
4. Remember, not everyone is coming from the same place as you.
5. Take your time in getting to know people. Get to know them for who they are and not who they sell themselves to be.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.