For many, valentines day is a day to show our appreciation for others, our gratitude for others, to treat, to spoil, to share happiness and to spend time with those we love creating lasting memories. To the narcissist, it’s a game to win, as they don’t like seeing others happy, they either want to be the reason others are happy, or they want to cause others misery so they can feel better within themselves. They go all out to win to create a victory day for them. As narcissists feel entitled to exploit others as they require excessive attention, as they believe they are above others, whatever they do isn’t for another person. It’s only ever about themselves getting their own needs met.
“Nobody ruins a special occasion like a narcissist who isn’t the centre of attention.” E.S
As with many things, a narcissist is only ever in it to play games to win. Whatever happens on Valentine’s Day, the narcissist will do their best as always to come out on top.
If you’re still in the idealisation stage of the relationship on Valentine’s Day to a narcissist, not a lot of effort is needed on their part. Yet they will turn it out to be the best day ever for you. To show you how amazing they are and everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner, not because they care for you, so they gain your admiration so that they can sell you an illusion, they will have studied and learned everything about you. A female narcissist might cook your favourite meal. Let you watch your favourite sport or film. The male might take you out to that fancy restaurant. Male or female they will have picked up a card, quickly and easily as most shops are full of them, a male will buy you, your favourite flowers, perfume, chocolates, jewellery, book your favourite restaurant they will know whichever it is you prefer, they will do whatever necessary to keep you hooked, to bait you into the relationship, they will use it to their advantage, to further manipulate you. It’s all to further their own gain, to manipulate and take advantage of you.
When you’re in the devaluation stage, they might not even recognise or acknowledge the day.
They might tell you things such as. “We don’t need to bother with that silliness anymore. We’ve been together years.” Or “ I don’t need a day to be told when I need to inform you that I love you.” or they can make us feel guilty for expecting things they can make it seem rationale that they don’t bother, with things such as “I’ve brought this house for you, what more do you want.” or, “I think it’s better we save for our forever home.” they can triangulate with. “My ex was never so demanding.” That ex they claim to hate, so we question ourselves and not them.
You might be one to get your hopes up that they still love and care about so that you can grow your hopes and dreams again. They may turn up with a carrier bag with a card and an unwrapped gift in if they think they need to draw you back in and give you a taste of what was on that day.
As a narcissist lowers our standards, we might think they’ll not do anything when they withhold affection, then breadcrumb us with a little affection we can shower them with gratitude. They will enjoy all the positive attention we’re giving them.
As with most special occasions, unless you’re in the idealisation stage, or they are trying to draw you back in, or they are trying to hoover. There will be no card, no gift, to mark the occasion. However, if you don’t do it for them, they will, at some point, use it against you. However, as they are the self-entitled hypocrite with a selective memory, if you bring up they did nothing for you, they’ll make you feel ungrateful for the times they have done things for you, they’ll gaslight claiming that you’re greedy.
With the cheating narcissists, they may have sent a card, a gift, to someone else. They may call you to say, they’ve got something on. This is usually the fact they’ve got someone new on. If you become disappointed and react, they’ll enjoy the negative attention. They will gaslight you with ”You’re insecure.” if you question what they are doing instead of spending time with you, or they’ll say “, Why would I want to spend time with you.” So we feel bad for expecting from them, and they don’t feel shame for what they are doing to us. Narcissists know exactly how to rationalise their behaviour within our mind and theirs to excuse their mistreatment of others. Narcissistic people raise our expectations to lower our standards. They use our expectations against us to provoke negative emotions and reactions from within us. When realistically, as hard as it is when someone brings out this side in us, it’s time to walk away from them.
In the hoover stage, they can send you messages asking you to remember the good times, asking to meet up, send you cards, gifts, come with false promises of change, false promises of the future, not because they want you back, because they want control back, they want the attention back.
In the discard they can shower the new with all those things you always wanted to do, to leave you questioning who you are, what you did wrong, leave you stuck in the past, remember they are love bombing the new as they did you, if they’re trying to make sure you find out about it, they also love-bombing the new to get to you.
Whatever stage you are at in the relationship with the narcissist, to you, it’s Valentine’s Day. To them, it’s victory day.
Idealisation stage, they go all out to suck you in, to bait you hook, line and sinker, to gain positive emotions and attention from you.
Devaluation, to pull negative emotions and attention from you, gaslight you into more self-doubt.
Discard. They give you nothing and get negative emotions from you.
Hoover, when they use Valentine’s day to suck you back into the bait, you hook line and sinker, for the cycle to repeat.
So this Valentine’s Day, if you’re alone, treat yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, and go do whatever makes you happy for yourself. If you’ve met someone new who’s good for you, enjoy being treated right.
The cycle of a narcissistic relationship.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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