Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
When it’s comes to communication with a narcissist, be it your parents, partners siblings, boss, friends, co-workers or trying to co-parent, fear and panic can hit hard, learning how to Stand up for yourself and speaking your mind to them, to be yourself around them, then when you do try to get your point of view across, enforce your boundaries, it can be one of the most emotionally draining, hurtful, confusing and at times scary experiences. Conversations with a narcissist at times are impossible. You can communicate with them, all we have to do is open our mouths and talk, that’s communication, yet having a conversation with them about something they have done, finding a compromise find the middle ground, trying to work through issues together is virtually impossible. One of the best methods to recover from this kind of emotional abuse is no contact, in some cases, this isn’t always possible, and in some cases, they are on the lower end of the spectrum, these are when it’s best to learn how they work, and how to handle yourself around them. So you don’t end up feeling angry, hurt and confused. When you feel yourself going, it’s always best to retreat, rethink and then respond if you need to do so.
A conversation with a narcissist is crazy-making. They will provoke you. Switch the topic, talk over you, play the victim. Gaslight you, triangulate or fall silent. Anger and rage when they don’t get what they want. This could be learned behaviour from childhood, or it could simply be they do not understand why we don’t see it their way. Just like we don’t understand to begin with how they don’t understand ours, yet we are capable of learning. As they don’t understand sometimes a simple conversation they can take as criticism if it doesn’t match exactly what they think, Provoking their defensive mechanics and creating rage and anger in them, even though that’s not our intentions, or when you just want them to say sorry, give you closure, yet they are either unwilling or unable. Now some are highly toxic and dangerous, these are more the narcissistic sociopath or narcissistic psychopath, only you know the kind of narcissist you are dealing with, but the more you stand your ground to them, the more all hell seems to break loose, and you are left constantly on the lookout for the next game.
Here’s a little more information on why a narcissist can not just see your point of view and always seems to work against you, as it’s always their way or you will suffer way, and it doesn’t have to be that way, you can lead them to think something was their idea, true to narcissist form if they believe it’s their idea they will go with it, yes this seems manipulative, so long as your doing it, so your relationship works better with your parents, boss, children’s parents, so long as it’s not out of spite to cause hurt or pain, you’re doing it to see healthier results all round not to be hurtful.
New research shows that narcissists are less likely to use critical thinking and are lacking in cognitive reflection skills. This is good news for those of you that question am I the narcissist? Which most of us do when first learning about the disorder another reason your not when you overthink and over reflect and question so much from your past, also another reason why narcissists act on impulse and can simply walk away taking everything with them without a glance back.
Grandiose and victim narcissist differ in their cognitive reflection skills, the grandiose narcissist is the type most people think about when they hear the word narcissist, arrogant, superiority, entitled and come across as having very high self-esteem, and extroverted. To the outside world. Vulnerable narcissists can come across as insecure to those closest to them. They are more defensive and often yet not always more introverted. Most narcissists do act on impulse and are unable to reflect on what they did wrong, while others are more calculated, and once they’ve made a choice are still less able to reflect on that choice. Both the grandiose and the venerable narcissist are self-centred and can be highly impulsive, even if they don’t act on impulse all the time, once they’ve made a choice they stick with it and don’t have the ability to reflect correctly, see it from another viewpoint or change their mind. Once they’ve set a plan into action, they just roll with it and stick to their truths, their false reality. A vulnerable narcissist is most likely to reflect temporary but only in a process that is namely me, myself and I, and not usually for the benefit of others.
Most narcissists seem to lack the ability to make a choice based on critical thinking skills, and even when they are wrong, lacking in cognitive reflection means they are not as able as those not on the spectrum to adequately reflect on the choices they have made.
Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum so there is those that might be able to yet that’s often rarely to never, and they often revert back to their original way of thinking when their needs are met, often why you get the false apology, that’s usually blamed on something you did, then once needs are met they revert back to their negative ways.
Narcissists are far less likely to use critical thinking which is important to make good sound decisions and the ability to solve problems.
Cognitive reflection is a person having the ability to reflect on something they might have done wrong, mistakes they have made. Instead, they override any thought that they could, in fact, be in the wrong as they can not reflect on their own actions, if others perceive them as wrong, they will cling on to the fact that they are right as they are unable to reflect and find ways of making their actions or behaviour correct.
Which is why no one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do, yet don’t want others to think they are wrong. The whole, That didn’t happen, and if it did, it wasn’t my fault, and if it was, then you made me do it.
Critical thinking is having the ability to analyse facts to form a judgment, the ability to think clearly and rationally then understanding the logic between ideas, or actions, the ability to engage and reflect.
No one thinks all of the time critically, especially when our self-control is affected by anger, pain, resentment, grief or joy, or we are just being single-minded which even those of us who are not narcissistic can slip into in various situations. However, a narcissist rarely uses critical thinking for the good of others, only temporarily to serve themselves.
This is why when you are trying to reach a compromise with them over something, they can not see it from your point of view, and they can only see it from their own, you might as well go blue in the face discussing things that matter to you at a brick wall, as if you’ve thoughts, feelings or opinions are not the same as the narcissists they are not listening, if they are and they don’t agree with you, the more you push the subject, the more anger they feel that you don’t see it their way, the more the act on impulse to cut you down.
when narcissists are show facts, they struggle to use critical thinking skills, instead of going for gut instincts resulting in impulsive behaviours.
The grandiose side of their personality disorder overrides their ability to critically analysis facts.
So with some, it could simply be they are truly incapable of listening to what you are trying to say. They are simply stuck within their own mindset without the ability to think differently.
If you can not go, no contact, which I always advise as best, as their thinking skills, mixed with a lack of empathy and remorse. Makes for some of the most hurtful, toxic people their is, so with most it truly needs to be no contact. Yet there are those on the lower end of the spectrum or If you can not go no contact, here’s a few ways to deal with them, in conversation.
Always look calm and collected, looking just over their shoulder and try not to make direct eye contact when they come at you with the word salad.
If it’s face to face and you feel a need to respond, do not react to the vile things they are saying to provoke you. Remember who they are observing them, knowing they are only saying things to provoke you, passing their own insecurities off onto you, do not absorb the words, don’t take them personally, don’t defend yourself that’s what they want and why they are doing it. Instead, say things like. “You seem upset all the time, are you ok.” Or “you seem negative all the time are you ok.” And leave them to it, don’t continue a conversation just hit repeat of what you said, as they will try to twist it and turn it onto you. If you repeat the same thing, you’ll watch them get more frustrating that they can not draw the reactions out of you that they want from you.
Shut them down by not reacting to what they are saying, if it’s messages, don’t go off-topic, do not respond to whatever they are throwing at you, say it once and leave it. So if it’s things like. ” kids have something on, they’ll be ready at 6.” And they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” You’ve said all that needed to be said do not explain yourself you already have, and they didn’t listen the first time they’ll not listen the second. Or when they bring the children home late, pick up late, again act to them like it’s not bothered you.
Other phrases are. “Why would you think that.” Or “you’re entitled to your point of view, and I’m allowed to have mine.”
When you do say, these things make sure your face stays straight and keep your emotions hidden. Always look calm and collected. When they are not getting what they want from you, they get angry, and they make themselves feel better by making you feel bad.
Once you learn to do it, you’ll know their games, and it’ll no longer affect you, it takes practice.
At the start, you may need to get your reactions and emotions out, just do not do it to the narcissist.
Boundaries and no contact is best if it’s not possible then do the above, you are worth so much more. You will recover and move forward to a much happier life.
Join me on social media.
Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.
free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.
Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.
All about the narcissist Online course.
For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ firstname.lastname@example.org