Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Those with the narcissistic personality disorder and toxic people, enjoy pushing your buttons and provoking you any way they can to get a reaction from you. They know from the emotional reactions and response you give them whether to keep pushing those same buttons or not. The narcissist learned all your strengths to put you down, so you doubt your own capabilities, they understand all your weaknesses to use each and everyone against you, they know all your insecurities, to rip each one wide open and watch you bleed out, some you can cut ties with easier than others, some are a little more stubborn, like toddlers who don’t know any better, they are toddlers in an adults body, although most toddlers that have tantrums learn and grow out of their tantrums, somehow a narcissist missed this step. When you stop playing into their game, some narcissists will get the message sooner than others, and some don’t seem to get it or don’t want to accept it straight away and keep pushing those buttons in the hope you’ll give in, and to get what they want, which is to get your attention and win at all costs, they don’t care who they hurt with their games, including hurting their own children.
A narcissist seems to get a real kick out of manipulating you to think you’re not good enough, you’re not lovable, you’ll never make anything from your life, and you’ll never be free.
The Narcissist only want to use you, if they can not use you, they will use all your weaknesses and fears you once told them about you, to bring you down. They will counter parent and mess with children’s mind to get at you, and they are no better parents than they were partners.
You have something they want, and if they can not have it, they will go all out to destroy you, through smear campaigns, your children and the court system.
Once you’ve been entangled with a narcissist, your job isn’t to help them. It is to save yourself. You are a hostage your job is to escape.
You are in the fight of your life, for your mental health, your physical health, your financial health and your children’s health.
You have to stop running from the pain, and you have to deal with and grow through the pain, that hurt, if not dealt with, it will only keep you trapped.
A Narcissist wants to fight, and they want to win at all costs. The only way to fight these people is to stop playing their games. If they say 1+4= 2 you have to leave them to it, you can not defend yourself to them, and they are not interested in your point of view, they are only ever interested in hurting you or using you. They will twist all your words against you.
George Bernard Shaw, ”you can not wrestle with pigs, you get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
If you’re at the start of this, no reaction and no contact is best, no contact is not always possible, because some of us have children with them, or you work with them, or it would mean cutting off good family members, if no contact is genuinely not an option for you, it’s firm boundaries and remember it’s ok to say NO, then it’s no reaction, if you’ve done that and they are upping their games, remember why they are doing it, they don’t like losing and the fact your not reacting makes them feel worthless, remember always to stay safe, some are dangerous, your safety comes first.
Always look calm and collected, if it’s face to face combat, and if you feel a need to respond, do not react to the vile things they are saying to provoke you. Remember who they are observing them, knowing they are only saying things to provoke you, passing their own insecurities off onto you, do not absorb the words. If we drink poison it will infect us if we leave poison in a bottle and don’t touch it, the poison can not harm us, the narcissists manipulating words are that poison to our minds, always observe and never absorb, don’t take their words personally, don’t defend yourself that’s what they want and why they are doing it. We do not have to take part in every argument we are invited to, we do not have to defend our intentions to those unwilling to listen or compromise, with good intentions you live your life how you want. If you need to respond, Instead of defending yourself, say things like. “You seem upset all the time, are you ok?” Or “you seem negative all the time, are you ok?” Or ” I’m sorry you feel that way.” And leave them to it, don’t continue a conversation just hit repeat of what you said, as they will try to twist it and turn it onto you. If you repeat the same thing, you’ll watch them get more frustrated that they can not draw the reactions and attention out of you that they want from you.
You can also use that line in a workplace, or a family member they hate. “You seem upset all the time, are you ok?” Or “you always seem negative, are you ok?” They hate their faults and insecurities being pointed out and they will want to shift it onto you. Do not go off-topic, that’s what they want.
When you do use these make sure, your face stays straight and keep your emotions hidden. Always look calm and collected.
Give them no reaction. Once you learn to do it, you’ll know their games, and it’ll no longer affect you, it takes time, it takes practice, to unlearn how you used to respond, and learn a method that works for you.
At the start, you may need to get your reactions and emotions out, just do not do it to the narcissist, wait till they are gone.
If at all possible, when they come at you, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so.
Shut the narcissist down by not reacting to what they are saying, if it’s messages, don’t go off-topic, do not respond to whatever they are throwing at you, say it once and leave it. So if it’s things like. ” kids have something on, they’ll be ready at 6.” And they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” You’ve said all that needed to be said do not explain yourself you already have, and they didn’t listen the first time they’ll not listen the second. Or when they bring the children home late, pick up late, again act to them like it’s not bothered you, best poker face you can, don’t let their actions trigger your frustration, when you allow them to control your emotions with their actions, they have the power and control over you, that they want.
You can not control what they do, you can control the meaning you give yourself for those negative things they do, so instead of being frustrated or angry, find something like, ” their behaviour is that predictable it’s laughable.” at the same time you need to become emotional unpredictable to them for actions they throw your way, turning the tables.
Some are dangerous, call the authorities, and keep all written evidence.
You thought you knew them, you didn’t, they knew you though, yet now you know all about the narcissistic personality disorder you know all about them, and they’ll never know who you are again.
We all have our memories, and our emotions are connected to those memories, when we have learned through past experiences how they behave, it triggers those learned emotions, so at the start, it’s hard, and it’s a learning curve to change how we handle them, our minds are subconsciously programmed to respond a certain way. We have the power within our selves to change this.
We can not change them. We can change ourselves.
When you’ve got to see them, from past experience, past emotions and past memories, it can leave you fearing all they might say, or what stunt the might pull. This can lead to you focusing on the negatives of a future event that hasn’t even happened yet.
This is powerful as you know you can do this, you can imagine your past, and you can imagine your future, learning to differentiate between your imagination of the past, and the present moment, when we live with the toxic past running around our minds, it keeps us trapped in a place we don’t need to be, now you need to use your present moment to focus on a better future. So when a meeting is coming up, a family event, a child hand over, learn to not focus on the what if negative, that fills you with those negative emotions and ruins your present moment, think of how you want it to go, in a way that gives you feelings of happiness, so not to destroy your present day.
A narcissist controls people and creates drama, by using peoples emotions against them, with the games they play, they are controlling your emotions, and your emotional reactions, taking control back of our feelings, brings back our power of ourselves, our life and our happiness.
Think of you staying in control of your emotions and not allowing them to get at you, then shift that future out of your mind and focus back on what you are doing in the here and now.
Boundaries, learn and know what behaviour you will and will not accept from others if by saying yes to someone else, you are saying no to you, it needs to be a no.
Do not say no, draw a line in the sand and let them walk straight over it. Say no, mean no, and stay on that line.
Boundaries and no contact is best if it’s not possible then do the above, you are worth so much more. You will recover and move forward to a much happier life.
It’s hard to stop thinking about them, and what game they will play next, it is possible, and this takes work, thinking about them keeps you locked on them, which you most likely don’t want anyway.
When your subconscious allows them in your mind, consciously remove them, just because your subconscious brought them into your thoughts, doesn’t mean your conscious can not kick them straight back out. Your brain is powerful, and you have the strength within you, to use your mind to work for you.
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