Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
If you’re stuck in a relationship with an Abusive partner, and they keep promising to change and you cling onto the hope, because of that love bombing phase or you’ve got out and because your trauma bonded, they come back with the false promises of change and you’re thinking of taking them back. Here are a few reasons to remind you why it’ll never work with a narcissist.
Nothing about the love bombing phase is real. It’s all to hook you in and keep you trapped, they treat you better than anyone has ever been treated, everything is perfect and you believe you’ve met the one, your one true love, your soulmate and you’re living the fairy tale dream, unfortunately, none of that is real. They’ve mirrored everything about you, all your loves all your hates, you fell in love with you, and you can leave the narcissist be rebuild yourself and fall in love with you again.
They learn everything they could about you and fed you a false reality, letting you see and believe everything you wanted to see and believe, they never were that person you first met and they never will be.
As soon as they believe they’ve got you hooked enough you’ll do anything to keep them, nothing you do will ever be good enough, you might get something right for a day, a week or a month, then they’ll change the rules on you and you’ll get it oh so wrong again. You can not keep a narcissist happy. They cannot make themselves happy. You try time and time again to get it right, your mental and physical health deteriorates and you get sick and tired.
Whilst trying to please them, with all the manipulation and gaslighting they use, you slowly lose who you are, your boundaries, your self worth, your dignity and your respect, you start walking on eggshells, blaming yourself, through the words the narcissist has drip-fed your mind, yet because you think it’s your fault and you want the person you met back, you try time and time again to please them. They’ll even bring that love bombing phase back in for a while to keep you further confused whilst they slowly devalue you. Every time you think you’ve worked it out, they change the game again.
Yet you still don’t give up, you try and try and try, as though all the manipulation and gaslighting you believe within yourself you are at fault, even though by now your instincts are screaming at you, as you don’t know what they are saying your mind overrides them, but your mind is talking to you how the narcissist has programmed you to talk to yourself, you may fear them, or believe you’re worthless and don’t deserve any better. You believe no one will ever love you, and that you need to try harder.
Whatever you do, nothing is good enough, you feel like your getting depressed and going crazy, you may feel like you don’t deserve them, and that no one else will ever love you as they do, that it’s all your fault they’re not giving you any attention, even tears of pain, heartache and desperation, they just seem to stand almost smirking at you, not that you notice at the time, they’ll be telling you. “It’s your fault and you need to sort yourself out.” They may even get you to the doctors for antidepressant, this is only so they can sink you further into depths of despair.
One minute they will treat you better than anyone ever had and they next worse than anyone ever has, leaving you feeling so alone at times whilst in the relationship, leaving you hurt and confused, the bringing you back up, to send you crashing back down, releasing so many natural hormones into your body, when you do break free, you are then faced with weaning yourself off all those chemicals. All those silent treatments, disappearing acts, affairs that you made them do, slowly but surely they pick you apart piece by piece. You’re lost in a maze, as they’ve most likely isolated you from friends and family, the only person you have to turn to is them, and as they drip-feed you more false reality of “That didn’t happen.” And “if only you’d do this.” You get further and further lost.
They change the games on you, up the games on your time and time again, yet there is no rule to these games, there’s only one winner in a narcissistic relationship and that is the narcissists. They promise to do something, then don’t deliver saying. “They never said that.” They make plans without you saying. “I told you last week.” Even though they didn’t, if you question them it’ll be. “You’re losing your memory.” Or “you’re losing your mind.” They’ll ruin holidays, birthdays, Christmas. And special occasions or event where they are not the centre of attention, they place you into an unsettled state of mind, then they’ll go all happy and full of life, making you look grumpy and crazy, to help with their smear campaign against you when they are getting ready to discard you for someone new, when that someone new, isn’t working how they wanted, they’ll swoop back in with the hoover and false promises, and as you’ve not released all the trauma bond, you are great full they’ve come to rescue you, and the cycle begins again. The only way to break it is to get out and stay out, no contact or grey rock.
Nothing will ever change, they are not accountable and do not see themselves as the problem, they are stuck with who they are. They either don’t know what they are and see no reason to change, or they know and still don’t believe they have to change. If they know what they are or not, change for them is not an option as they believe they are always right. They believe it works for them as they have to keep power and control over all others, if they can not do it directly they’ll do it indirectly, positive or negative attention they do not mind. Attention is attention. A relationship with a narcissist will only ever sink you, get out safely and stay out, this is your best chance to live a free and happy life, they can not change, you can.