If you’re stuck in a relationship with an Abusive partner, and they keep promising to change. As most people do, you cling onto the hope they will change because of that love bombing phase in the beginning, or you’ve got out, and because of that trauma bond, you want them back, then they come back with all the false promises of change, and you’re thinking of taking them back. Here are a few reasons to remind you why it’ll never work with a narcissist.
It’s all an illusion.
Nothing about the love-bombing phase is real. It’s all to hook you in and keep you trapped, they treat you better than anyone has ever been treated, everything is perfect, and you believe you’ve met the one, your one true love, your soulmate, you’re living the fairy tale dream; unfortunately, none of that is real. They’ve mirrored everything about you, all your loves, all your hates, to future fake with you, you fell in love with you, and you can leave the narcissist be, rebuild yourself and fall in love with you again.
They learned everything they could about you and fed you a false reality, letting you see and believe everything you wanted to see and believe; they never were that person you first met, and they never will be, yes you lived that reality, that reality of them selling you an illusion of who you’d like them to be, so they can exploit you because you don’t see who they are.
They devalue you.
As soon as they believe they’ve got you hooked enough, so you’ll do anything to keep them, they change on you, suddenly nothing you do will ever be good enough for them, you might get something right for a day, a week or a month, then they’ll change the game on you again, they switch the rules, and you’ll get it oh so wrong again. You can not keep a narcissist happy. They cannot make themselves happy. You try time and time again to get it right, not realising that while you’re busy trying to please them, they’re destroying your mental and physical health; as the relationship slowly deteriorates, so do you, and you get sick and tired.
Whilst trying to please them, with all the manipulation and gaslighting they use, you slowly lose who you are, your boundaries, your self worth, your dignity and your respect; you start walking on eggshells, blaming yourself through the words that the narcissist has drip-fed your mind, yet because you think it’s your fault and you want the person you met back, you try time and time again to please them. They’ll even bring that love bombing phase back in for a while to keep you further confused while they slowly devalue you. Every time you think you’ve worked it out, they change the game again.
Yet you still don’t give up; you try and try and try, as though all the manipulation and gaslighting you believe within yourself you are at fault, even though by now your instincts are screaming at you, as you don’t know what they are saying your mind overrides them. Still, your mind is talking to you how the narcissist has programmed you to talk to yourself; you may fear them or believe you’re worthless and don’t deserve any better. You think no one will ever love you and that you need to try harder.
Whatever you do, nothing is good enough, you feel like your getting depressed and going crazy, you may feel like you don’t deserve them, and that no one else will ever love you as they do, that it’s all your fault they’re not giving you any attention, even tears of pain, heartache and desperation, they just seem to stand almost smirking at you, not that you notice at the time. They’ll be telling you. “It’s your fault, and you need to sort yourself out.” They may even get you to the doctors for antidepressants; this is only so they can sink you further into depths of despair.
One minute they will treat you better than anyone ever had and the next worse than anyone ever has, leaving you feeling so alone while in the relationship, leaving you hurt and confused. They brought you back up to send you crashing back down, releasing so many natural hormone chemicals into your body; when you do break free, you are then faced with weaning yourself off all those chemicals. All those silent treatments, disappearing acts, affairs that they told you, ” you made them do.” It leaves you with self-doubt; those were never your fault, slowly but surely, they pick you apart piece by piece. You’re lost in a maze of thoughts you don’t understand, as they’ve most likely isolated you from friends and family, the only person you have to turn to is them, and as they drip-feed, you more false reality of “That didn’t happen.” And “if only you’d do this.” You get further and further lost.
They change the games on you, up their manipulative games on your time and time again, yet there is no rule to these games; there’s only one winner in a narcissistic relationship, that is the narcissist. They promise to do something, then don’t deliver gaslighting you with phrases like. “I never said that.” They make plans without you, then saying to you. “I told you last week.” Even though they didn’t, if you question them, it’ll be. “You’re losing your memory.” Or “you’re losing your mind.”
They ruin everything.
They’ll ruin holidays, birthdays, Christmas. And special occasions or event where they are not the centre of attention, they place you into an unsettled state of mind. They’ll go all happy and full of life, making you look grumpy and crazy, to help with their smear campaign against you when they are getting ready to discard you for someone new when that someone new isn’t working how they wanted, they’ll swoop back in with the hoover and those false promises of change. As you’ve not released who they are, or you’re trauma bonded to them, you are grateful￼ they’ve come to rescue you, and the cycle begins again. The only way to break it is to get out and stay out, with no contact or grey rock.
They didn’t change. They just lied about who they are.
Nothing will ever change; they are not accountable and do not see themselves as the problem; they are stuck with who they are. They either don’t know what they are and see no reason to change, or they know and still don’t believe they have to change. If they know what they are or not, they lack empathy to care for how their behaviour affects those around them; change for them is not an option as they think they’re always right. They believe it works for them as they have to keep power and control over all others; if they can not do it directly, they’ll do it indirectly, positive or negative attention they do not mind. Attention is attention. A relationship with a narcissist will only ever sink you, get out safely and stay out; this is your best chance to live a free and happy life; they can not change; you can.
Who you have to be to keep a narcissist happy.
Stages of a relationship with a narcissist.
Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
The narcissist illusion.
Whey they always think they are right.