Signs of covert narcissism.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so some are psychologically and emotionally abusive, which in itself is soul-destroying to those who’ve lived it. Some are also physically abusive. Yet, through hope of change and fear of reactions, many people stay. As the disorder is on a spectrum, there are those with limited contact as all are toxic. You can learn how to handle yourself and stay in your reality around them. Those who lack empathy you would need to be careful. Some it needs to be no contact. As they will not change, they have a disorder; it’s who they are; they do not see themselves as a problem; they do not reflect on their actions, they are never accountable. Therefore they see no need to change. They change their partners. They change their lies, all to meet a need of their own. They don’t change out of the disorder. They just learn new ways to hide their manipulative behaviour, guilt trip, and manipulate those around them. Now those without empathy can be extremely dangerous. You know what you’ve been through and how far they take things, so always get out safely and always put your safety first. There are those you will need to move miles away from, usually the narcissist sociopath or narcissist psychopath, others, however, if you have to co-parent, cut off a good parent if you cut off the toxic one, work colleagues and other than them your jobs great, you can learn to handle yourself around them, yet there are so many personality types on the disorder so how do you know what you’re dealing with. First things first, Abuse is Abuse, mental, physical or both, no one deserves this, and no one should put up with this, whether the people you are dealing with are narcissistic or not.
Narcissism can give us an understanding of their behaviour; it’s never to excuse their behaviour.
When most people first think of narcissism, often they think of someone who loves themselves, the outward grandiose, attention-seeking, superior, confident, (arrogance.) outgoing, charming, ( superficial charm.) then comes knowledge about their lack of responsibility, exploiting others, lack of empathy, entitlement, manipulation and the rest. Yet not all are the overt, grandiose or extraverted, and some are introverted, shy, vulnerable, closet, the fragile narcissist. However, they all have the same destructive behaviours as the grandiose narcissist. They can cross over between types, depending on who they are with and what manipulation they are doing, so most narcissists can play the woe is my victim if needed, most can play the hero if required, and most will never play the villain, only ever offering a false apology if they have something to gain by doing so.
Many introverts and extroverts are not actually narcissistic if they don’t go around exploiting people. If they don’t feel entitled, and if they have the ability to care for others, empathy, they are not a narcissist.
Although no type of narcissist is actually apparent at first as we often don’t even know about the disorder, yet when we do, we listen more to our own instincts when the signals go off, even when we are unsure as to what they are telling us, as narcissistic people do have a way of making others feel off-balance, they have a way of influencing others, and the more we know, the more we notice, as hard as it can be to listen to those instincts as most will have raised you high at some point, so we want to believe they are good genuine people, with their blame-shifting, gaslight and other manipulative behaviours, we are often led to believe the problem is us, yet once we’ve been sucked in before, learned about the disorder and learned about ourselves, we learn to listen to those instincts and walk away from people we meet that just something doesn’t feel right, words not matching actions, the way they treat others etc.
All narcissists act covertly, covert meaning not openly displayed, acknowledged.
Narcissists on the outside don’t often seem that bad and can be incredibly charming, intriguing. Most narcissists are not often to never physically abusive. All narcissists are confusing when we don’t understand what they do. Some are much more subtle in the way they go around things, often their words never match their actions, and you just feel off around them, they might not directly put you down, or they might do it in a way that seems to be like they are helping you, they might not scream and shout or lash out. Yet you feel belittled by them and confused around them, questioning what they meant by that last remark. Listening to your body and your instincts, if something feels off, even if you don’t know what, those instincts are trying to protect you.
Eight characteristics of covert narcissism.
1. Exploitative. Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Most narcissistic people find this difficult, as deep down, most are insecure individuals that run around telling so many lies, they don’t know who to trust, some have actually had some form of trauma and been deeply hurt in their past. However, this is no excuse to go around hurting others, genuine people who’ve been hurt go around helping others through, which does help them feel better. Narcissists go around destroying all others to help them feel better. Most narcissistic people do the idealisation, devalue, discard and hoover. However, many can and stay in a relationship for years others only months. Still, all have problems maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone close to them due to their lack of ability to compromise, their need for control, and the fact they never think anything is their fault, as they flip the script within their own minds, change the reality and end up believing their own lies while getting enables and flying monkeys to believe them also.
2. Superiority, Patronising and condescending, most narcissists patronise people around them, all take people down, so those around them are left feeling not good enough, they can tell you straight, and as often we care for the opinions of those who we believe care for us, leading us to question ourselves with things like “you can not do that.” Or “you’re crazy. ““I wouldn’t if I was you.” Or “I’m concerned for your mental health.”
3. Lack of empathy. Now most narcissists have a lack of genuine compassion. They are self-absorbed and often just think about themselves and getting their needs met. They will rarely to never be there for you when you need them the most, some people when sick will keep going. Therefore they might act, say or do things in a way you wouldn’t if someone else is sick, so for example, if someone with empathy is sick, yet will carry on, when you’re sick they might ask how you are, yet expect you to carry on, yet not judge you if you don’t, a narcissist will often want, need and demand attention, help and support from you when they are sick. Yet, they’ll find a way to guilt-trip you into it. “Well, if you can’t, you should just go to bed.” “You said you’d do this for me today.” Or “are you still going to take me here?” “Well, if it’s too much trouble.”” I knew it would be my fault, your I’ll.” It will always be about them getting their needs met, and if you don’t, they will hold it against you forevermore when they need to bring it up, they’ll forget the part where you were so sick you couldn’t and remind you about the fact you didn’t do something for them.
4. Passive-aggressive. Some narcissists, not all rage and those who do can also use the quieter approach as they deal with conflict or situations in covert passive-aggressive ways, often acting indirectly aggressive, which most narcissists can do, when they show resistance to requests from those around them in more subtle ways than the obvious Overt ways when they will tell you straight out, “I’m not doing that.” Or “I do things my way.” covert methods, it might seem like they actually agree with a shrug of the shoulders, say “of course.” “Yes.” Or “as you like.” When You ask them if they could help you out, then they’ll sit there and do nothing. They might be sullen, sit and procrastinate or be stubborn about it, yet not actually do it. When you ask why they didn’t, they might make up excuses or say things like. “I thought you meant this.” Or “I forgot.” And still not bother even though they agreed. They will conveniently forget. So if you ask them to grab something and they don’t, it’ll be. ” I forgot.” You feel let down as you thought they would, yet you can not really say anything as it could be a mistake. Now good people do forget and will often try to make it up. Covert conveniently forget on a regular basis, gaslight by saying, “I forgot.” They shrug their shoulders and never do anything about it. Or they’ll provoke those feelings of anger within you. Then when you react, they’ll remain calm, no open communication, just poke to get you going, then sit and watch you suffer while they blame you for your pain.
5. Highly sensitive. Most narcissists are sensitive to most forms of criticism, even constructive, helpful criticism. They protect themselves from criticism with various methods of manipulation they might twist it onto you, provoke an argument so they can blame-shift, defend themselves with snugness, seem to dismiss what you’ve said to them completely, or completely withdraw from the conversation, and sulk or go on a silent treatment. Most do not let on that they have been offended and will continue to scheme to get people back. If you’ve offered advice, they might just shut the conversation down. They might pity play, so you feel sorry for them and make excuses up for them. Things like. “It’s ok for you, and you got help from x. I have to do things for myself. No one ever helped me out.”
6. Misunderstood. While most narcissists believe they are better than all others, unique and special. It’s ok to feel special. The difference is narcissistic people feel specially entitled, and above all others, they do not see people as individuals that are equal, and everyone is worthy. They only see themselves as righteous. Narcissists can feel like the world is against them, they can put on that put the grand superiority act on, and then the covert act and speak more venerable and tell tails of how all others let them down and hurt them, they seemingly hold grudges against many people often seeking sympathy or revenge, rarely having anything good to say about others unless it invalidates something about you.
7. A smugness, entitlement, superior. Once we learn about the disorder, it can be easier to spot with their big act in grand ways of how much better they are than others and their exaggeration of achievements, or how they tend to listen half-heartedly and observe what’s happening around them, they might not express negativity straight out criticising what others say or do and putting people down, they might, eye roll, groan, eye glare, start yawing, dismissive gestures or get bored. Any comments made will be extremely judgemental and only from one point of view, which is as all narcissists their point of view only.
8. Preoccupied with fantasies of ultimate success, Self-absorbed. Most narcissists do not pay attention or listen to others. Only in the beginning, when they are collecting data do they pay attention to the conversations, not to get to know you for you, so they can use you against yourself after they have the information they require, often they’ll then make it all about them. They might just look like they are listening and paying attention to you. However, they have zoned out and block what you are saying. Reasonable people can do this if they are busy or stressed over a situation. Narcissists do this most of the time, they make a quick judgement on whether the conversation will serve them, and if not, their mind is out of there as they think about themselves.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, and they will use a weakness or strength of the individual they are targeting. They will use their manipulation tactics to suit their needs and depending on the person they are trying to manipulate. As we have the malignant, grandiose, somatic, cerebral, overt and covert, the victim narcissist on the spectrum, some are far more dangerous than others. You need to stay well clear. If you can manage your own state of mind and limit contact, you don’t have to cut them off completely. Just be careful they don’t infect your mind.
Some once you see what they are and what they do, you can learn to observe and not absorb their toxic nature, some you can limit time around and avoid certain topics of conversation, some you need to stay well clear.
Those who have the disorder have a disorder, you can not change them, it’s a hard enough job changing ourselves, plus they don’t want to recognise and faults within themselves to learn from mistakes and find strategies to cope with their disorder, they’ ed just prefer to carry on their path of destruction while blaming all others.
Never call them out on their behaviour. Those without empathy, you never know how they will act. If you don’t like how someone treats you, you are more than entitled to leave them to it and go live your life with them no longer in it. It’s not cruel. It’s not mean to let someone who continuously lets you down and hurts you to go live their life. In contrast, you go and live yours, much wiser, much stronger, and so much happier.
The nine characteristics.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp. (Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.