Why Do Narcissists Hurt You?


Tony Robins discovered after working with millions of people the six human needs and how these are what give us fulfilment or unfulfilment in the things we do. What drives us to do what we do, what drives us as individuals to make the choices we make. There is an emotional side to everything we do and all the choices we make.

The human needs are.

1. Contribution.

2. Growth.

3. Certainty.

4. Significance.

5. Love and connection.

6. Uncertainty/variety.


We all have a need to feel significant and special, to feel unique. The need to feel important. They need to feel wanted and needed.

Most people do this without realising by helping others, by contributing to society not understanding how it makes them feel. Often we do things for others to earn a living, to help someone else out, without realising on a deeper level it helps us feel good.

People can positively get significance through many different ways, and we are all individuals in the ways we feel significance, generosity towards others, helping with charities, raising children, working for a good cause, serving the community, how you dress, places you go, how many tattoos you have, how you talk etc.

You can make yourself feel significant in many ways. Positive, neutral or negative. Positive by serving others, working hard. An Achievement, neutral doing what you already are doing. Or negatively like a narcissist destroying all others and feeling like they have the power over others. Or negatively staying unwittingly in an abusive relationship.

You can work really hard put as much time and effort into helping others or building something good as you can and feel significant, or as a narcissist would, they come and pull others down, pull all others work and achievements down to feel better within themselves, which to them is an easier option.

Therefore, narcissistic people who as the traits of their disorder are. Arrogance and dominance, so they believe they should be in control and are allowed to do as they please with little to no thought on how it would affect another as with another trait of the disorder they lack the Empathy to care, so they can destroy others to feel significant without caring for who they hurt along the way so long as they get what they want and get their needs met, so long as they feel significant. Also, as a trait of the disorder is a belief, they are special and have a sense of entitlement. They don’t think the rules apply to them and should be allowed to do as they please. Another trait is Jealousy and Envy, so they are very quick to feel jealous of others, and with that belief, they are special. They think they deserve to have what others have. To have what they want, when they want without the empathy to care for who they harm along the way to get it, which they actually can feel significant when they hurt or control another. Narcissists often believe they are above all others. They want to get to the top, and they want to do it the fastest way possible. If someone stands in their way, they’ll destroy them any way they can. If someone criticises their power and significance, most narcissists will go all out to destroy. Some are far too lazy.

Yes, most can control their behaviour; if there are consequences or witnesses, they can stop what they are doing or cover things up.

Some narcissists find it easier and less effort to try and charm back an Ex than find another new.

Yet when they come back unconsciously, it fills our significance. We feel loved by them, significant. They want us, a certainty that they can fill our needs this time. The contribution that we can help them change. We are unique, and the ones who will change them, make them see the light etc., with all the Trauma bonding, and wanting to feel connected, even though we know it’ll hurt us long term, it unwittingly and positively at first meets our human needs, to then be taken down again.

When you love hard, and then you lose the love, then the love reappears. Your love and connection unwittingly can make you settle for the bread crumbs of happiness they feed you.

Narcissistic people can be male or female, yet the higher the testosterone, the more the drive for dominate and significance.

Most people find their way to meet significance is by having a problem when we have a problem that we need to fix. Especially a significant problem, like within a narcissistic relationship, brings significant obstacles for us to overcome, therefore unwittingly filling our Human need of significance. Most often, when the narcissist blames others so they can feel significance that you are causing the problems, and they feel significant as they believe the problem is not them.

We can also meet significance by trying to please everyone, and what do most of us do in a narcissistic relationship? We do all we can to please the narcissist.

So often people stay with an abusive partner not only because one of their six needs is significance, certainty or love and connection, then contribution wanting to help them but also they are extremely good at making you feel uncertain, then certain, they give you a variety, then making you feel special and important, just to take you down again, releasing those hormones and causing that trauma bond, so although you know you need to get out, it becomes increasingly hard as it’s unconsciously fulfilling at least four if not all six of your human needs that most of us didn’t even know about.

When our minds, often deep within our subconscious mind, believe we are meeting three of our human needs, either positively, negatively or neutrally, we can all too easily become addicted.

Therefore in an abusive relationship, at times, you are occasionally meeting when they treat you so right, love and connection, or it was met in the beginning. You want that back, you meet certainty at times, you know you’re in a relationship, and you have a partner, you meet uncertainty as you never know where you are with them. Contribution as you believe you are helping them, giving to them, changing to fill their needs and be who you want to be. Significant helping them. Out, looking after them. Therefore your subconscious is keeping you addicted through your human needs.

Filling your six human needs up in other ways will help you lose that addiction to the narcissist, so simple steps to start like paying other people genuine compliments, they will also get significance and a feel-good moment from this, as will your subconscious knowing you made someone else feel good, helping others out, especially through uncertain times, just help the right people, even staying indoors and listening to your government’s advice during the COVID-19 epidemic is helping your healthcare system. Keep finding the positive ways in day to day life to feel significant and lose the old addiction.

Narcissistic people are jealous and envious.

You will recover, and you will be happy.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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