Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Tony Robbins six human needs Contribution. We all need food, water, air and shelter. These are our fundamental human needs. The six human needs are for our emotional/ mental development. There are free tests online to find out your top two.
Human needs are what give us fulfilment or un-fulfilment. What drives us to do what we do, what drives us as individuals to make the choices we make. There is an emotional side to everything we do and all the choices we make.
Human needs are.
5. Love and connection.
We all have a need to contribute, we all have a desire to help others. To share great things that have happened within our lives, to connect and talk with our loved ones, or share negative things that we once experienced when it ended up positive in order to help others see they can get there too. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes when we are living in uncertain, devastation and heartbreaking times when life just seems so unfair, it is easy for our minds to focus on those negatives, and not so easy to find those positives, those things to be grateful for or those opportunities that are around us, it takes a great deal of determination to keep our minds on those things we need to focus when there’s a lot of negativity or heartbreak around us especially when times are so uncertain.
When we help a vulnerable person out with their shopping, yes we’ve helped, and we didn’t have to, yet we also feel good for doing so, there are many ways to contribute to others to fill our need for contribution, from washing someone’s clothes to making them a meal, helping with finances, providing any kind of help or services to someone other than ourselves. Whether we get paid in cash or self-gratification. When we share good experiences with others, it becomes greater than just ourselves.
With the Covid-19 some people are carrying on as normal, not understanding that bars, restaurants, pubs, clubs and schools haven’t been shut for a laugh so they can all mingle at the park or the seaside, but we can not explain to those, if they wanted to listen they would, they’re most likely living in anxiety without knowing it, yet one that’s causing them to act negatively and irresponsibly, they’re trying to fill there needs up, yet doing so in a negative way. They are certain they are going out, feel significant that they’ll not going to be told what to do and also feel connected as they meet others, not understanding the invisible, deadly virus will be loving their reckless behaviour, why governments will then step in and lock us down, they asked we defied, governments then take further action to protect our Doctors, nurses and other health care professionals from becoming too overwhelmed.
Those who are staying in might feel bad as they might feel they’re not contributing and feel selfish for staying in, those in these categories are contributing significantly by no longer mixing and staying well out of the way, so our health services and those trying to save lives don’t become any more overwhelmed than they already are.
However you Handle this, there is only your way, and if we all play our part in society, whatever that part is for you, we will come back from this, with a better understanding of our beliefs, our values and our morals.
Tony Robbins “any time your mind believes that by doing something, believing something, or by feeling something it meets three of your human needs you become addicted. You can be positivity addicted or negatively addicted, but you’re going to become addicted. Any time your mind believes you’re meeting three of your human needs. Though, feeling, emotion or action, you will become addicted.”
When it comes to a relationship with a narcissist, we become highly addicted to a narcissistic person as subconsciously they fill so many of our needs, as these needs can be met negatively, neutral or positivity, at the start of the relationship it’s most often positive, then neutral and the end negatively.
When it comes to contribution and having a narcissistic boss, we fill our role and our needs by contributing to the workplace and society. When it’s our parents, we feel we owe them for raising us, even though they abused us, mentally or physically, or both, when a parent is abusing a child often the children don’t stop loving the parent, they stop loving themselves, the children are left full off uncertainty and self-doubts, often doing all they can to please others to feel loved. A narcissistic partner we believe we are contributing towards them, cooking teas, washing clothes, buying them cars, helping them out etc. Most narcissists never truly meet their need for contribution, as they are only ever willing to give to receive, so they are always looking for more and never satisfied or happy deep within themselves. Those not on the disorder often give without realising they are receiving, even when it’s only receiving the gift of feeling good.
There are free tests online to discover which are your top two human needs, as these are the ones we need to fill the most to find our true happiness.
Once you break free, and in current times if you start to consciously fill these needs up in other areas of your life, it will help you break the addiction to the narcissist, and reduce stress levels, as your mind will be focused on achieving the right things for you.
If you’re in isolation or lockdown with a narcissist, and with emotions running high, anxieties fairing up, we can also be quicker to lose our patience or burst into tears. As narcissistic people believe it’s all about them, part of their disorder is the trait of entitlement so they might be coming at you to keep the children quiet, to make sure their food is ready how and when they like it, they might have plenty of opinions on how the world should be run as part of their disorder is arrogance, we can all have opinions at this time, yet as narcissists feel entitled and preoccupied with power and control, some can take theirs to the extreme, Narcissists believe the rules don’t apply to them. Don’t try to explain to them why they should be washing hands ( which we should all do anyway.) or be staying in until isolation period is over, just do your personal best to protect yourself and loved ones.
Remember their behaviour is not because of you. It’s because of their disorder if they are on the spectrum, educating yourself on the disorder if you haven’t already would be helpful.
When they are chipping away at you, when they are putting you down, or invalidating what you are doing, the best response is no response, if you really need to, responses such as. “I like what I’m wearing. I’m sorry you don’t.” “you’re perspectives are very interesting.” Especially when what they think about the current situation isn’t what you think, but they want you to agree with them. “Yes, that’s true.” Even if it isn’t, it’s all about keeping the peace, you don’t need to argue your point, they’ll not agree with you unless you agree with them, and they’ll not compromise, when they are fed up, they’ll do all they can to argue. Remember you don’t have to take part in every argument you’re invited to. “Okay if that’s how you feel it how you feel I understand.” You’re letting them know you acknowledge how they feel and you understand they think that way without agreeing with them if you think differently. When they come at you with things like, it’s your fault, or you wouldn’t survive this without me. Just smile am agree, it’s not easy giving these people the acknowledgement and attention they don’t always deserve, however, if it makes your life less stressful, it’s worth a try.
Remember their behaviour is not your fault, we are only responsible for our own behaviours, if they are gaslighting you, as most of them do, keep a diary, talk to others in online support groups, to get advice and tips that will help you through, leave the advice that doesn’t help you, implement the advice that does.
Look after yourself, try to pamper yourself, whatever that is to you, lifting weights in the home, having a bath, relaxing any way you can find, sit and read that book you’ve wanted to.
Today think about three things you can be grateful for, three things you see that good within the world, and three things you’d like to and can do with imagination in your own home.
Keep going. You will move past this and onto a much more fulfilled, happier life.
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