Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Due to the possible trauma bonding through all the highs and lows with the narcissist. Alienated from friends and family, left with CPTSD, you may also have anxiety and health problems, your energy levels may have been drained, you’ve lost who you are, your self-worth, self-love, trust, money, homes and so much more, the narcissist discard can be incredibly painful and cruel, and most often when you need them the most, although not always, as although you haven’t known or seen all the mental abuse, you’ve most often being isolated from support so they are the one you turn to for support, not that they truly ever give it. Trying to understand who they even were, trying to understand what’s actually happened isn’t an easy process, it gets easier and life gets much happier once you break that trauma bond, build yourself back up and become happy again.
The narcissist gives you no explanation as to why they have left, often to add to your confusion they will within days or weeks will have most likely met someone new, some can get a flying monkey to make sure you know about this. Others enjoy hiding away, either way you’re left questioning what happened. You want closure as most people do, yet the narcissist will not give you any. Here are five reasons why the narcissist discards you.
1. The one where they don’t actually end it, yet they disappear without a word. You might have worked out something isn’t right, either someone from the outside has been slowly giving you doubts or your struggling with reality and you just know something isn’t right, even though you might not know what. Your instincts are loud and you’ve stopped saying how high, every time they ask you to jump, So they discard you, usually disappearing without a word to upset and confuse you even more, with the trauma bond you may call and message them, giving them an emotional reaction. You may have stopped reacting to them how you used to and because of financial reasons or children you’ve not left or you are scared to leave, they haven’t got a replacement lined up yet so they understand by disappearing on you is a way to get reactions from you, and get you to beg them to come home.
2. They’ve driven you to the depths of despair, you feel like you no longer want to live, depression, anxiety, can no longer function on a day to day basis, health problems. All caused by the manipulation and abuse you’ve been suffering from at the hands of the narcissist, during devaluation I believe they don’t want to completely Finnish you off, sometimes they take it too far, some of us end up having a mental breakdowns at the hands of them, therefore you are no longer meeting any of their needs they are no longer the centre of attention, they are no longer getting any reactions from you. You are now the one in extreme need of help and support and they simply do not want to, the can not care for you on a genuine level and will not give it, they will only do so if they have something to gain.
3. They’ve found a replacement, they might have had countless affairs in the past, yet now they managed to idolise and secure someone new whos only giving them positive reactions and filling their cup full of holes up, they new isn’t questioning their behaviour, and they find it easier being with the new. whilst it’s going good with the new they will up and leave, be careful though, when the relationship goes the same way as yours did with the new most will come back to hoover you.
4. Exposure, you may have worked them out, as you have empathy you care and love for them, so you’re doing all you can to help, they will start a smear campaign against you fast, before you start reaching out to others. You might have managed to inform people before the narcissist got to them, the narcissist will take this a criticism that you have turned against them. People start taking your side, so they have to leave and leave fast as they do not take responsibility and never feel as though they are accountable, they will not be held accountable, they believe you’re just out to destroy them and people are turning against them.
5. You’ve stepped out of the darkness and into the light, you know exactly what they are what they need and how to destroy them, you no longer fear them, so you fire criticisms at them with no emotions. You want to punish them for all they’ve put you through and you know exactly how to do it. Yet they’re not going to allow this to happen, if they can not take you down without risk of taking themselves down, they are going to drop you and run. With no closure given as you’ll know as you’ve worked out what they are. Be careful though, most narcissistic people will seek revenge months or years later.
It’s not an easy or straight forward journey recovering from narcissist abuse, more and more secrets and lies come out as you start, lots of things to learn and put into place, looking deep and healing deep within yourself, however with the right steps it is Possible.
Tony Robbins six human needs, and how to use these to help with your recovery.
The need for Certainty to feel safe and secure, ways to refill it positive.
- Set your self small tasks at first and
Make sure you complete each one.
- Start new routines, either a 10 minute one in the morning or evening, then slowly add more each day.
- Eating healthy, start small, baby steps, exercise, meditation or yoga.
- Set small achievable goals to start it’ll give you the self-belief, confidence and drive to keep going.
- Start an online course, college or uni, read books that fill you with knowledge.
- Have a backup plan for different outcomes.
- Set a time for yourself, if that’s getting up earlier or however you can give yourself some time to relax each day.
- Join support groups, reconnect with friends and family.
The need for Uncertainty, feel different, challenged, change, surprises. You might be filling the need heavily a little too heavy at the start, how to fill it positively.
- Read new books, learn something different.
- Step out of your comfort zone, start smiling at others, walk a little further, order something difficult, try a new meal, try a new restaurant.
- Take a risk on something that could turn out positive.
- Travel somewhere new.
The need for love and connection. The need to feel togetherness, compassion and warmth.
- Becoming none judgmental of yourself.
- Learning to be who you are and love who you are.
- Learning to trust and tune into your instincts.
- Being kind and helpful to others.
- Not judging others.
- Reading with your children.
- Support groups who are positive and understanding.
- Being supportive of others and none judged of others.
- Helping others out.
- Letting that car pull out in front.
- Opening or holding a door for a stranger or someone you know.
- Doing something kind for someone else that no one knows about.
The need for significance. To feel important, needed, special, unique.
- Finding the meaning of your life.
- Providing for others the best you can.
- Helping others out, giving back,
- Making contributions to others.
- Giving to charity.
- Support others.
- Helping out at school or with charity,
- Become a better version of yourself.
- The way you dress.
The need for contribution. Giving, leaving a mark, helping, serving. Contributing to others.
- Contributing beyond yourself.
- Serving others at work.
- Helping others online offering support.
- Doing good deeds for others.
- Brightening someone’s day with a smile or a joke.
- Looking after your children.
The need for Growth. Developing, strengthening, learning.
- Reading books.
- Listening to motivational videos.
- Learning about narcissism and how to handle them.
- Having a career change.
- Starting a new job.
- Becoming a better person.
- Working out.
- Learning new things.
There are plenty of positive ways to fulfil your human needs in positivity ways and some things like learning new things or exercise can meet three of these to get you positivity addicted. Remember you are worthy, you do deserve more, you are beautiful, caring and kind.
Most people who recover from narcissistic abuse learn all about narcissism, not only will it fill a lot of your human needs, it also helps you understand what you went through and how to handle them. Why they do what they do. Whilst learning all about who they are and what they do, you must also start to use you’re present day to work on your future and where you’d like to be six months from now.
We are all individuals, we take the steps in our own timescale and our own order, what works for one may not work for another, keep going, keep learning, keep growing, be exactly who you want to be for you in the present moment, and keep updating your mindset to create who you want to become in the future. Reach out to others, whether that to receive help or give help, most people in the world want to help and most people want to be helped.
Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse
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The rollercoaster ride of recovery.