”You can always trust a narcissist will lie to you. ”
After being intoxicated by a narcissist, you are often left with no trust in them, no trust for others and no trust within yourself. Being scared to be who you are and scared to open up to those around you.
They can do this as they choose people who do trust in themselves and within others.
They choose people who value trust, and then they will abuse that trust.
When someone tells you, “you’ve worked hard.” or “You’ve done well.” or “I like your top.” You trust them, and you’ve no reason not to. You wouldn’t think twice about questioning them of why they’ve said those lovely comments to you.
You trust the food you buy from the shop will be ok to eat, you trust that the order you placed online will be delivered to you, as you’ve no reason not to, if it didn’t turn up, you might think it’s lost in the mail, check it’s not with neighbours, either way, you trust you’ll get it, if not you trust you’ll get a refund. You trust police and courts to keep law and order.
You trust in a partner, in a parent, in a friend, in a relationship, to love and care about you, to not hurt you, to respect and be honest with you, to love with their full heart and trust in them completely, you go into relationships trusting them and assume they will do the same, you don’t go around suspicious of those around you, you take things at face value, this is normal human behaviour. You are honest. You might have a strong dislike for dishonesty and hypocrisy. You like to know the truth.
In the idealisation period, narcissists treat us so well that we are conned into believing how much they love and care about us. We believe that they tell us the truth, as we think they are honest and open, they make us think we can trust them, they might even tell us about how others have hurt them in the past, they know how that feels. They wouldn’t do that to anyone. We have no reason not to believe what they are saying, and as they are so convincing, you trust they are telling you the truth. Yet, they are just mirroring us with an illusion of false promises, just playing on our trust in others, our empathy and our caring nature to gain our trust.
So when they start to say. “ it’s just a friend,” we trust them when they say we are their soul mate. We trust them. When they borrow money from us, we trust they will pay us back like they said they would when the female narcissist says they are on the pill. We trust them when they say they are working late. We trust them. When they say, they’ll take care of the bills. We trust them. They can then slowly but surely shatter our trust during the devaluation stage.
Our trust in them is what they will use against us time and time again. With the gaslighting and twisted words they use, we often end up confused, believing they are genuine. It must be something we said or did. As we lived the reality of the idealisation stage, we looked for the good in them and then, they slowly take our trust, disrespect it, stomp all over it.
When we question them, it’s then the mind games of the silent treatment, gaslighting, blame-shifting, projection, and so much more, leaving us with the self-doubt that’s it’s something we did.
Then when we see what’s been happening to us, they will have often left us, with no explanation and no closure, leaving a horrible pain in our heart and horrible thoughts running through our minds that we can just not seem to be able to escape from, leaving us to deal with all the aftermath. With all that narcissists do, most of us are often left with no trust within ourselves and often not knowing who to trust around us, questioning why people are being nice to us, if they want something from us, are they genuine, or do they just want to use us?
Most of us might feel foolish and not want to talk to others if we are not already isolated; a lot of people do self-isolate to avoid any further pain. You are far from alone if you have done this. With how they manipulate, it’s hard to see, as they can bring that idealisation, play nice period back in at any time. We look for the good and want to believe them. It’s even more challenging to see what’s truly happening to us. You can, and you will get your trust back, first in yourself and then in others. Be proud of yourself for getting free.
Rebuilding Your self-trust After a narcissistic relationship.
After the trauma bond and cptsd, rebuilding your trust, not only in yourself but trusting those around you. Your intuition is key in this. Listen to it and take action with what it’s telling you. This will help you make the right choice and slowly re-build your trust.
Start reflecting back at all those moments your intuition did know. When you had perfectly normal feelings given the situation, yet the narcissist dismissed or invalidated them because you couldn’t work out what your instincts were telling you, you pushed it down, ignored it and carried on anyway, little things, in the beginning, you or they made excuses for. The worst thing about those excuses are within our minds. They are valid. We often minimise them. Perhaps instead of trusting that intuition, you ended up asking the narcissist who lied about it all away. Even though your intuition was telling you what they were saying wasn’t right, you wanted to believe them, so you ignored your own intuition, that gut feeling. Remember how many times you ignored it, you lost some more trust.
You may have plans and ideas of how your life is going to work out, and then Life gets in the way, don’t think of it like that, think of it as you were going in the wrong direction, and now life is guiding you a new way. Listen to your inner truth, what that gut of yours is telling you that intuition sometimes, it can be something out of nowhere that wasn’t even planned. If your intuition is telling you to do something, follow it.
If you look back 15 years,
Ten years, five years, one year or six months, you’ll see how much wiser you are now, how much you’ve come through and learnt.
When you see signs, your intuition is trying to tell you something. Look and listen to those signs.
Stop isolating yourself, start getting out there, find your intuition and take action, every time you listen to your intuition, take action, see that it works for you. It’ll build your trust back up within yourself, then when you listen to it with those around you. It’ll build your trust up in others.
When you take action that agrees with your intuition, you’ll learn to trust yourself again.
Raising your standards, knowing your values and beliefs, learning your boundaries and trusting from within, and each of us are different and entitled to our own. Discovering your new blueprint on life and adapting to it, get a pen and paper and write it down. Where do you want to be in five years from now? And why would you like to be there? Then actioning steps to get yourself there, working on you helps you to stop letting a negative narcissist rent space in your mind that will not cover the cost of the bill, bringing your focus onto you. Baby’s don’t quit. They learn to sit, crawl, walk and talk. It’s not easy. They stumble, they fall, it takes time, and it takes practice, yet they don’t stop. Babies make so many mistakes learning new skills. However, they keep going. We are all capable of learning. Just like learning to write or ride a bike, we go until we get it as a child. Yet, somewhere in adulthood, we let the fear of our mistakes put us off achieving our goals and dreams. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to fall. We just need to get up and go again, like Thomas Edison’s mindset when he invented the lightbulb. He didn’t fail 10000 times. He found 10000 ways it didn’t work until he found the way it did.
We are all capable, we are all special, and we all have the greatness and power within to achieve our own dreams. Whatever they might be for us, we are all individuals.
Confidence and trust, values and beliefs are something your mind creates for you, so if someone lets you down once, you might think that’s ok. If they do the same thing twice, you learn to not go to them in the future. For others, from now on, if someone lets you down once that’s it, you leave them be, depending on what it is. If you meet someone who likes a drink or two and you can live with that in 10 years, great, that doesn’t mean that person is an alcoholic. If it doesn’t fit your blueprint, values, or beliefs, leave them to live their life. Learning all about you and the behaviour you will and will not accept from others, and the behaviour you will and will not accept from yourself.
You can, and you will recover from this.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp.(Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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