Overcoming Narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
If you had a narcissistic parent or parents, you will most likely know already one minute they are so hurtful and cruel, so full of put-downs invalidating your feelings and abilities, assassinating your character and then the next minute out of no where they are suddenly being supportive and kind, yet this is only ever temporary and then they are back to blaming you, guilt-tripping you, and all the other manipulative hurtful games they play.
Bosses and friends also do this, when they lift you onto that pedestal one minute to bring you crashing down the next.
Neighbours most after are just throwing games at you and being hurtful.
A partner idolises you and you are being treated so great one minute to be treated so wrong the next, yet most narcissists no matter who they are to you in your life, cycle around the treat you so well, to treating you so wrong, as they love to exaggerate all their achievements and good actions, even though those actions are only ever to meet a need of their own, they will exaggerate their good actions so your mind then focuses on these, then they will play down their negative actions and exaggerate any of your reactions so your mind ends up focusing on what you did and not the full story.
They are unable and unwilling to think and process their own negative behaviour, to see and learn from mistakes they make and they do project this onto those around them in a twisted way so that those around them end up blaming themselves for problems within the relationship and the narcissist rewrites history to escape accountability.
So how and Why does the narcissist suddenly act nice? Simply they want something from you.
Sometimes during the relationship, they bring back the idolisation stage just so you don’t leave or after you’ve left them, or they’ve to discard you, you slowly forget the amount of abuse and just how badly they can treat you, or you may still be blaming it all on yourself.
Most people hang onto the relationship or take them back, as when a narcissist is being nice, they can treat you better than anyone ever has. If you love your job and it’s a boss, you can get to the point of walking away and they see this, so lift you back up, so you question yourself and stay. Parents also do this, just as you’ve had enough of their negative hurtful behaviour and prepare for no contact to move forward in your life, they start acting nice again so you end up questioning yourself and stick around, for them to just bring you crashing down again.
The narcissist is an illusion, to cover up their true deep feelings, they act a certain way to protect themselves from their true feelings, why they are never accountable and blame others so they don’t feel the inner shame. Their admiration face and envious face is who they are, yet with no true sense of identity they switch between the two, to meet their own needs, they treat people well to be admired and gain attention, then when things are not going their way, and they are envious that others have their own mind, they treat people so wrong, with gaslighting, provoking arguments so they still have attention, even though it’s negative attention, to them it’s attention and they blame that negative behaviour on you, they place fear into others, intimidating those around them to stop people walking away, they intimidate with threats of violence, actual violence, yelling, screaming, towering over you and getting in your face, blackmailing you, and many more, they intimidate to keep people trapped through fear, and if that doesn’t work and you look like your waking up to the abuse they’ll do all the. “I was only joking.” And start to play nice again. As they are treating you right and their downplays of their negative behaviour, their toxic gaslighting words of. “It wasn’t that bad.” And them suddenly offering that intermittent play nice behaviour again, this leaves our mind confused and we were to focus less and less on the negative and more on how they are treating us well, as all we truly want is for people to treat up well, with honesty and respect and suddenly there they are doing just that.
This is why some narcissists can look like the perfect parent, they know their young children look up to them, hang on every word they say, they know they can make excuses to others about the ex not allowing them to see the children, when the narcissist cannot be bothered, they know they can them swoop in pick those children up, spoil them and have the children hooked on them, those children who fill them up and don’t threaten them, often the golden child, the narcissist will portray themselves to others as the picture-perfect parent. As children get older and more independent, they’ll use excuses like. “My children have no respect for me, their other parent poisoned them against me.”
So when they return full of what seems like genuine apology’s, promise to change, it’s all false, they’re just seem something they want from you.
When narcissists feel threatened they devalue others that are threatening them, they don’t see their own behaviour and actions as wrong, so will continue to do so, to help themselves feel better. When they feel criticised, they feel the other person has turned against them, so they feel, anger, rage, hurt and often want revenge on those who they feel have hurt them. Or if they think someone is untrustworthy and will reveal them for who they truly are, they’ll start the smear campaign to get in first with how horrendous you treated them, so they can play the victim and get their needs met elsewhere.
When those needs are no longer being met elsewhere, if they see you have something to offer, the come back all nice trying to suck you in again, Purley because they want something from you.
A narcissist can continually be nice to those people who never criticise them, or threaten their illusion of themselves that they are trying to portray to those around them.
They don’t know who they really are, they use other people’s good traits to pass off as their own, they act nice to fill their needs of positivity, they act nasty to fill their needs of negative emotions from those who’ve criticised them.
To give your mind more clarity of the real events unfolding, writing down what they said and the lead up to the situations, writing out their toxic word and the true meaning behind these and what they are trying to achieve, then writing out your truths of the situation and how they really treat you, writing out how they truly make you feel when they treat you so wrong, then when they come playing nice looking at that list.
They have a disorder it’s who they are, they cycle around these patterns of behaviour and are rather predictable once we know and learn what they truly do. It did not start with you, it will not end with you, you can not change it, they can not change it, you can not control it and they can only control it around certain people to they are not truly seen as they are, they can not control it on a long term basis only to meet a need, and you did not cause it.
As it’s on a spectrum, there is those where once you understand the patterns, recover from what they did to you, learn who you are, how to retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, that you can manage your time around, you truly need to learn to observe their toxic words for what they are and not absorb them to allow those words to infect your mind.
There’s also those on the disorder who are far too hurtful and those narcissistic sociopaths and psychopaths that are simply far too dangerous and you need to get away from.
Your own well being and mental health have to become your priority, as when you’re running at your best you can be at your best if saying yes to someone else are saying no to you, it needs to be a no.
There is no wrong way or right way to live your life, with good intentions, honesty and respect there is only your way.
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