Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
It takes an average of seven attempts to get out of an abusive relationship and stay out of an abusive relationship. Narcissists through their many manipulation tactics, brainwash people into losing reality and use many lies to keep their targets hooked.
Narcissistic people use many lies throughout the relationship from the beginning and even after the relationship is over, lying is second nature to them, most often a lot of them tell that many lies they actually believe their reality, some on the higher end of the spectrum are more aware and harder to catch out, those on the lower it’s just instinct, wherever they are on the spectrum of the disorder, most repeat those same lines, if you’re still trying to work out if you were with a narcissist, or learning how to avoid them in the future, here are some of the most common lies I heard myself and from others who’ve survived the narcissistic relationship.
”I could not imagine my life without you.” this is mostly used in the love-bombing phase along with. ”you’re the love of my life.”or ”I’ve never met anyone like you.” these are hard to tell between good honest people who also say these things, if they’re telling you all the exs were crazy that’s a red flag with these statements. With a narcissist, these words are used to hook you in or keep you hooked, even during the relationship if they haven’t anyone else lined up to keep using you.
”my exs are crazy and hurt me.” again this is a hard one as good people have been hurt, narcissistic people use this to play the victim card, to get you to open up your empathy and to have sympathy for them. if they’ve been back and forth with partners in the past, some people that have been hurt go back, so look at the bigger pictures, or if they hate every single one and something just doesn’t add up in the story’s they are telling you when they say things like. “They will not let me see the children.” Or ” my children have no respect for me.” This could be true, yet you need to listen closely to the words they say and not take them on face value, especially if something just doesn’t seem right.
“I’m amazing.” Or “with all, I do for you.” Now most narcissistic people like to see themselves as amazing and project all their faults and flaws onto others. Yet when you truly look at things they actually did for you, most often you’ll find other than, disrespect you, hurt you, and cause great psychological pain, they did nothing for you, other than instilling negativity and self-doubt, any achievements of theirs are usually exaggerated, lies or they’ve destroyed others in the process of getting to where they want, those who haven’t achieved, will blame those around them for them being unsuccessful, things like. “They sucked up to the boss, or “they got help from others.”
“You’ll never find someone like me.” Not a complete lie as it seems to be a growing epidemic or could be growing awareness. They use these words to manipulate your already confused mind into believing they are special, especially when they add things like. “Who’d love you.” Or “nobody would want you, you’ll end up alone.” To add fear into you and more self-doubt that’s you’re not good enough, words to a narcissist are just further manipulation. Focus on why you’re leaving, or that you have left, if they left you, that you are better off without them, you will heal, you will receive and now you are aware you’ll make sure you never find another like them. Remember you are worthy and you are lovable, nows the time to surround yourself with the right people.
“That didn’t happen.” Or the “I never said that.” Along with “You’re crazy.” Are some examples of the major gaslighting phrase they use. The same as “you’re over sensation or insecure.” As the narcissist does not genuinely care for your feelings, they just want you to become more emotionally insecure and more dependent on them. Gaslighting is so you doubt reality and is an insidious form of mental torture. Narcissistic people do not admit to or own up to their own mistakes, they project and blame shift, to escape accountability. They are only interested in the reality they want, the more you try and get them to take responsibility the bigger their tantrums and lies get. If you are still with them, if your out and trying to piece it all together, or they’re still trying to destroy you, learn your own truths, start writing things down, stop reacting to them, and start focusing on giving yourself the correct answers, get reading or learning something new to feed your mind the right way, connect with those who’ve experienced it so you know how you’re thinking and feeling is normal and you will recover.
“How can you of all people not understand me.” This is so the narcissist gets you to question yourself and work harder for their attention and approval. So you feel in the wrong and like you need to learn more. Most of us don’t understand them until we learn about them, you can not understand what you don’t know, then when you do understand them, you never want to be around one again.
“You’re just like my ex’s.” Triangulation and to cause fear within you that you might lose them, some might use the “my ex would have.” So you break down your own standards, beliefs and boundaries to keep the narcissists interested not understanding within yourself they are brainwashing to act how they want and not true to who you are. Or it’s the guilt trip so you feel sorry for them and want to be a better person for them. You are a better person, you care and want to help others, the narcissist is not worthy of you.
“If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” The classic blame shift when they’ve done someone wrong and want you to take all responsibility, to Distort your reality into playing what they’ve done down. Good people can admit their mistakes, we are human, bad people can not, no matter what you have or have not done, there is no excuse for someone else’s the bad treatment of you.
“I’ll change if you help.” This is the one to pull on you’re heartstrings, and suck you back onto helping them, once they’ve succeeded with their pity play, they will be back to hurt you. They can not be helped as they are unwilling to help themselves, however, you can do your personal best in helping others to the point you lose yourself. So now is the time to shift all the time and effort you put into them onto you and build a much happier life for you.
You can and you will recover.