It takes an average of seven attempts to get out of an abusive relationship and stay out of an abusive relationship. Narcissists, through their many manipulation tactics, brainwash people into losing reality, and they use many lies to keep their targets hooked.
Narcissistic people use many lies throughout the relationship, from Mirroring and future faking in the beginning, that idealisation stage. Even after the relationship is over with their smear campaign against you. Lying is second nature to them. Most often, a lot of them tell that many lies they actually believe their reality, some on the higher end of the spectrum are more aware and harder to catch out, those on the lower it’s just instinct, wherever they are on the spectrum of the disorder, most repeat those same lines if you’re still trying to work out if you were with a narcissist, or learning how to avoid them in the future, here are some of the most common lies I heard myself and from others who’ve survived the narcissistic relationship.
”I could not imagine my life without you.” this is mostly used in the idealisation stage along with. ”You’re the love of my life.” or ”I’ve never met anyone like you.” these are hard to tell between genuine honest people who also say these things. If they’re telling you all the exs were crazy, that’s a red flag with these statements. With a narcissist, these words are used to hook you in or keep you hooked, even during the relationship if they haven’t anyone else lined up they say them to continue exploiting you.
”All my exs are crazy and hurt me.” again, this is a hard one as people not on the disorder have been hurt. Narcissistic people use this to play the victim card, to get you to open up your empathy and to have sympathy for them. if they’ve been back and forth with partners in the past, some people that have been hurt go back, so look at the bigger pictures, or if they hate every single one and something just doesn’t add up in the story’s they are telling you when they say things like. “They will not let me see the children.” Or ” My children have no respect for me.” This could be true, yet you need to listen carefully to the words they say and not take them on face value, especially if something just doesn’t seem right.
“I’m amazing.” Or “After all, I do for you.” Now most narcissistic people like to see themselves as amazing and project all their faults and flaws onto others. Yet when you truly look at things they actually did for you, most often you’ll find other than disrespecting you, hurting you and causing great psychological pain, they did nothing for you, other than instilling negativity and self-doubt, any achievements of theirs are usually exaggerated, outright lies, or the narcissist destroyed others in the process of getting to where they want, those who haven’t achieved will blame those around them for them for why they are unsuccessful, things like. “They sucked up to the boss, or “They got help from others.”
“You’ll never find someone like me.” Not a complete lie, as we don’t want to find someone like them. However, as it seems to be a growing epidemic or could be growing awareness if we don’t wake up, there’s a possibility we could. They use these words to manipulate your already confused mind into believing they are special, especially when they add things like. “Who’d love you.” Or “Nobody would want you; you’ll end up alone.” To add fear into you and more self-doubt that you’re not good enough, words to a narcissist are just further manipulation. Focus on why you’re leaving, or that you have left, if they left you, that you are better off without them, you will heal, you will recover, and now you are aware, you’ll make sure you never find another like them. Remember, you are worthy, and you are lovable, now is the time to surround yourself with the right people.
“That didn’t happen.” Or the “I never said that.” Along with “You’re crazy.” Are some examples of the major gaslighting phrase they use. The same as “You’re oversensitive, or you’re insecure.” As the narcissist does not genuinely care for your feelings, they just want you to become more emotionally insecure and more dependent on them. Gaslighting is so you doubt reality and is an insidious form of mental torture. Narcissistic people do not admit to or own up to their own mistakes. The project and blame shift to escape accountability. They are only interested in the reality they want. The more you try and get them to take responsibility, the bigger their tantrums and lies get. If you are still with them if you’re out and trying to piece it all together, or they’re still trying to destroy you, learn your own truths, start writing things down, stop reacting to them, and start focusing on giving yourself the correct answers, get reading or learning something new to feed your mind the right way, connect with those who’ve experienced it, so you know how you’re thinking. The feeling is normal, and you will recover.
“How can you of all people not understand me.” This is so the narcissist gets you to question yourself and work harder for their attention and approval. So you feel in the wrong and like you need to learn more. Most of us don’t understand them until we learn about them. You can not know what you don’t know. Then when you do understand them, you never want to be around one again.
“You’re just like my ex’s.” Triangulation and to cause fear within you that you might lose them, some might use the “My ex would have.” the ex they left anyway. So you break down your own standards, beliefs and boundaries to keep the narcissist interested, not understanding within yourself they are brainwashing to act how they want and not true to who you are. Or it’s the guilt trip, so you feel sorry for them and want to be a better person for them. You are a better person; you care and want to help others; the narcissist is not worthy of you.
“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” The classic blame shift when they’ve done someone wrong and want you to take all responsibility, to distort your reality into playing what they’ve done down. Reasonable people can admit their mistakes. We all make them. We are human. Narcissistic people can not admit to them, no matter what you have or have not done, there is no excuse for someone else’s the bad treatment of you.
“I’ll change if you help.” This is the one to pull on your heartstrings and suck you back onto helping them. Once they’ve succeeded with their pity play, they will be back to hurt you. They can not be helped as they are unwilling to help themselves. However, you can do your personal best in helping others to the point you lose yourself. So now is the time to shift all the time and effort you put into them onto you and build a much happier life for you.
You can, and you will recover.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Video to explain why not to argue with a narcissist.