Overcoming Narcissist Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw.
Why is the narcissist is the way they are and why they become obsessed with you after they discarded you.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, they are all individuals, some become more obsessed than others, this is why you need to implement no contact or grey rock, in order to get the narcissist to leave you alone.
The narcissist devalues you, and as they feel they have seen everything there is to know about you, using you up, they then discard you and move onto someone new.
The narcissist will go through the love bombing phase, the golden period of the relationship when everything is perfect to get you hooked, they will treat you better than anyone ever has during this phase, once they believe they have you hooked, they will stop doing things for you and expect more and more from you, once they realise your human and make mistakes they will punish you, through gaslighting, silent treatment, projection and so many more, as they drain your energy and your no longer filling their self-esteem, self-value, self-worth and self love up, that they do not have and need positive energy from those around them to fill themselves up, which you can never do as they don’t truly know who they are and what they need, they can not help themselves feel better as they truly don’t see themselves as the problem, they slowly devalue you as they feel your not meeting their needs, then they find someone who will and then they discard you.
This happens with almost everyone they meet, deep down they are hurt insecure individuals, which most believe that all others are their problem and not themselves, narcissist do not have empathy towards others, they feel shame, but they deflect this by blaming others, so they are not accountable. They are deeply insecure individuals, which is why most jump from one relationship to another, often overlapping, to fill an inner void so deep, they don’t know how to fix it, and others can not help them, as they’ve learned to go into self-defensive fight mode, then they take the flight mode to protect themselves, please see the, fight, flight, freeze or fawn post for more information on this, as it’ll help you understand yourself more too.
They don’t trust others as they deep down know how they cheat and lie and believe others do too, or you’ll see what’s happening to you and leave them, when they haven’t gone a back up, if you’re leaving them, do not risk telling them in person, they are individuals and some, not all can be dangerous, if you tell them you’re leaving, some will plot against you, some with go for sympathy plays to get you to stay, some may get aggressive and violent. So stay safe.
They can not self reflect, to see how they can help themselves, all they can do is project their problems onto all those around them.
As they don’t have any inner happiness, they are always looking for external sources to fill this void, because they can not see what wrong with them to heal themselves and find that inner happiness, they can not find external happiness, they are extremely envious and jealous people, who hate seeing others happy, as they can not find this within themselves, as they are not happy within themselves, they will never be happy with external people or possessions, they will always be looking for better, to fill that inner happiness that they can not look within themselves to fill.
So they feel important and desired they need emotions from others directed only to them, they prefer positive, but will happily take negative, as they own subconscious is always feeding them negative thoughts, they need positive thoughts from others, yet their own mindset, quickly turns these into negative again, they need to punish others, and make others feel bad, to make themselves feel better but it only lasts a short time for them, then their inner self-loathing comes back to haunt them, so they have to go again.
You were never the problem, what they do to others speaks volumes about them and not you, they have a personality disorder, which researchers are yet to find a way to help them understand and help themselves, their minds been programmed in such a way, so far they have been unable to find a way to reprogram it, so they can recover or at least manage the disorder.
Some are extremely dangerous so you need to avoid at all cost, some, however, are not dangerous, yes they are hurtful and negative which rubs off on others, so if you don’t or can not cut them out of your life, you need to manage your time around them, learn not to absorb that negativity energy and learn not to react, no matter how much you try to help or explain, they don’t understand as they see others as the problem and not themselves. You can not love them better, your understanding will not help them manage their disorder and your kindness will not help them manage it, their inner dialogue and the way they talk to themselves is too damaged.
Narcissist don’t love themselves and they don’t love others, they just see others as an extension of themselves, where we have a mobile phone, if the screen gets smashed, we either fix it or get a new one, that’s the same as narcissists with people, once they are no longer filling the narcissist up, they find one that works.
Narcissist only miss the things you did for them, or the money or items you brought them, if they discard you, it’s because you were no longer meeting their needs, then when the new is no longer meeting their needs, when they see you’ve moved on, you look happy, you’re doing things you love again, they want that back and start to obsess about getting that back, if they can not have you back, most will seek to destroy you, to make themselves feel better, that actually you’re nothing special.
This is why it’s vital you don’t let them know anything about your new life, you need to make your new life look incredibly boring to them, do not react or defend yourself to them, they’re not listening, they are just soaking up your negative emotions, most narcissists will up their games to try and get reactions from you.
When they believe they’ve lost control over you they want it back and will either try to hoover if they believe you have something valuable to offer them and then try to destroy if you’re not meeting their needs.
This is also why if you post to social media, you need to delete and block, them, their family and their friends, so they can not see what you’re up to.
Once they’ve circled around the games seeing no negative reactions towards them from you, and if they don’t see you’ve happily moved on with your life and have something to offer them, hopefully, they’ll see no value in you, they see you’ve nothing to offer them, and most will leave you alone.
Please see grey rock and no contact, to help you distance yourself from the narcissist and hopefully get the narcissist to leave you alone.