Why is the narcissist the way they are? Why can some become obsessed with you after they discarded you?
The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, and they are all individuals. Some become more obsessed than others. This is why you need to implement no contact or grey rock in order to get the narcissist to leave you alone.
The narcissist devalues you, and as they feel they have seen everything there is to know about you, using you up, they then discard you and move on to someone new.
The narcissist will go through the love-bombing phase of the relationship when everything is perfect for getting you hooked. They will treat you better than anyone ever has during this phase, once they believe they have you hooked, they will stop doing things for you and expect more and more from you, once they realise you are human and make mistakes, they will punish you, silent treatment, projection and so many more, they gaslight you to make you believe it’s all your fault, as they drain your energy. You’re no longer filling their self-esteem, self-value, self-worth and self-love up that they do not have within themselves. They need attention from those around them to fill themselves up. Which you can never do permanently, as they don’t honestly know who they are and what they need, they can not help themselves feel better as they genuinely don’t see themselves as the problem, they slowly devalue you as they think you’re not meeting their needs. They find someone who will, and then they discard you.
This happens with almost everyone they meet. Deep down, they are hurt insecure individuals, which as most believe that all others are their problem and not themselves, they can not self-reflect, learn to grow and change. Narcissists lack empathy towards others. They feel shame, but they deflect this by blaming others, so they are not accountable. They are deeply insecure individuals, which is why most jump from one relationship to another, often overlapping, to fill an inner void so deep, they don’t know how to fix it, and others can not help them, as they’ve learned to go into self-defensive fight mode. All people are capable of change, and some need more help than others. To change, people have to be able to reflect, learning from mistakes to see what needs to be changed. People have to want to change. As narcissists don’t see themselves as the problem, they don’t see a reason to want to change.
Narcissists don’t trust others as they deep down know how they cheat and lie and believe others do too, or you’ll see what’s happening to you and leave them when they haven’t got a backup supply. If you’re leaving them, do not risk telling them in person, they are individuals and some, not all, can be dangerous, if you tell them you’re leaving, some will plot against you, some with go for sympathy plays to get you to stay, some may get aggressive and violent. So stay safe.
Narcissists don’t self-reflect and see how they can help themselves. All they can do is project their problems onto all those around them.
As they don’t have inner happiness, they are always looking for external sources to fill this void. Because they can not see what is wrong with them to heal themselves and find that inner happiness, they can not find external happiness. They are incredibly envious and jealous people. They hate seeing others happy, as they can not find this within themselves, as they are not satisfied within themselves, they will never be happy with external people or possessions, they will always be looking for better, to fill that inner happiness that they can not look within themselves to fill.
For a narcissist to feel valid and desired. They need attention and emotions from others directed only to them. They prefer positive but will happily take negative, as their own subconscious is constantly feeding them negative thoughts. They need positive thoughts from others. Yet, their own mindset quickly turns these into negative again, they need to punish others and make others feel bad, to make themselves feel better, but it only lasts a short time for them, then their inner self-loathing comes back to haunt them, so they have to go again.
If you were abused, you were never the problem. No one deserves to be treated that way. What they do to others speaks volumes about them and not you, they have a personality disorder, which researchers are yet to find a way to help them understand and help themselves, their minds have been programmed in such a way, so far they have been unable to find a way to reprogram it so that they can recover or at least manage the disorder.
Some are extremely dangerous, so you need to avoid them at all cost, some, however, are not dangerous, yes they are hurtful and negative, which rubs off on others, so if you don’t or can not cut them out of your life, you need to manage your time around them, learn not to absorb that negativity energy and learn not to react, no matter how much you try to help or explain, they don’t understand as they see others as the problem and not themselves. You can not love them better, your understanding will not help them manage their disorder, and your kindness will not help them manage it. Their inner dialogue and the way they talk to themselves is too damaged.
A narcissist doesn’t love themselves, and they don’t love others. They just see others as an extension of themselves, where we have a mobile phone if the screen gets smashed, we either fix it or get a new one, that’s the same as narcissists with people, once you are no longer filling the narcissists cup up, they find one that will.
Narcissists only miss the things you did for them or the money or items you brought them. If they discard you, it’s because you were no longer meeting their needs. When the new is no longer meeting their needs, when they see you’ve moved on, you look happy, you’re doing things you love again, they want that back, and some it seems can start to obsess about getting that back, if they can not have you back, most will seek to destroy you, to make themselves feel better, to tell themselves that actually, you’re nothing special. You are unique; we all are in our own right.
This is why you mustn’t let them know anything about your new life. You need to make your new life look incredibly boring to them, do not react or defend yourself to them. They’re not listening. They are just soaking up the attention and your negative emotions. Most narcissists will up their games to try and get reactions from you.
When they believe they’ve lost control over you, they want it back and will either try to hoover if they believe you have something valuable to offer them or smear try to destroy if you’re not meeting their needs.
This is also why if you post to social media, you need to delete and block them, their family and their friends, so they can not see what you’re up to.
Once they’ve circled around the games seeing no negative reactions towards them from you, and if they don’t see you’ve happily moved on with your life and have something to offer them, hopefully, they’ll see no value in you, they see you’ve nothing to offer them, and most will leave you alone.
Please see grey rock and no contact to help you distance yourself from the narcissist and hopefully get the narcissist to leave you alone.
Fight, flight, freeze and fawn.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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