Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Life Coach – Elizabeth Shaw.
You might have carried guilt and shame throughout the relationship, shame for things you did that you didn’t really want to, not feeling good enough as a person, guilt for being too scared to stand up for yourself. Also, guilt and shame as the narcissist manipulates you into believing you’re not worthy and you’re not good enough. Then you are left with low self-esteem and no longer feeling good enough or worthy.
Guilt is when we feel we are wrong in a choice, and shame is when we feel we believe we have done something wrong.
Then during recovery, as more and more comes to light, we feel guilty for taking them back, guilty for being their flying monkey when we didn’t understand, guilty for being an enabler when we believed their lies, shame for the actions we took. Our self-esteem is shattered. We feel so low, empty and worthless.
You have to realise that guilt, knowing if you had understood at the time, you’d have never put yourself in the situation, if you didn’t want to help them and see the good in them, you wouldn’t have gone back. You have to realise the shame for doing something because you didn’t understand on the most part is down to your low self-esteem. You need to release that guilt and shame, knowing it’s in the past to move forward.
Self-esteem. Which most often has been programmed throughout your childhood, as most parents aren’t consciously aware of building children’s self-esteem, most people don’t understand their own self.
So when in a toxic relationship with low self-esteem, we make excuses for others behaviour. Were they hurt in the past? They were having a bad day. Did I cause it?
While you’ve got low self-esteem and believe yourself to be the problem, you don’t see clearly as to how others are mistreating you. They actually re-enforce the self-doubt you have about yourself. Lowering your self-esteem even more.
You may not have been aware of this on a consiouse level, you might have had it programmed into your subconscious throughout childhood, from parents, friends and even teachers putting you down, to even understand it within yourself, yet you might have found yourself always attracted to that same type of person, or you might feel they are attracted to you.
After you’ve left the narcissist or they left you, your own inner critic then continues to put yourself down. It’s mostly unconsciously as you’ve been programmed by others to think this way, so now you need to program yourself to what you want believe and what you deserve to attract the right people.
How to rebuild your self-esteem, its all in rebuilding your inner belief system.
So write down those negative thoughts about yourself, write down who told you.
Examples. ” I’m not good enough.”
”I’m ugly.” ”I’m too skinny.” I’m too fat.” then write down the name of the person who put that thought in your mind. Your narcissistic parent, the playground bully, ex-partner. Then go back through, cross off what limiting belief is in your mind. ”I’m not good enough .” and write. ”I am good enough.” do it with them all.
Instead of beating yourself up, learn to love yourself for who you are, if you want to change something take action to change it, but only ever change it for you. Not for others. Not for society only ever for yourself.
You have to learn to value who you indeed are.
Keep doing it to reprogram your limiting beliefs and rebuild your self-esteem.
Catch yourself talking negatively to yourself. And tell yourself to stop it, when you stop it within yourself you will no longer allow others too as you will have raised your internal standards. It’s a learning curve as most of us want to be validated by others, but you don’t need it, only you need to validate you. Don’t let others define who you are. Only you have the right to define yourself and do so positively to attract positive people into your life.
Part of our human need discovers by Tony Robbins is growth. Filling these needs in positivity ways helps us to recovery. Therefore self-awareness and self-developed is growth, and you’ll be filling your own human needs up.
As with significance, once you learn to feel significance within yourself. You’ll also be adding to this need in a positive way.
Love and connection. Connecting with your inner self. Developing your inner voice. Learning to love who you are for who you are.
Certainty. To be certain of your own beliefs. Your own values. To be certain of who you are and who you want to be.
Uncertainty. Taking chances. Stepping out of your comfort zone to try new things. To discover what your own likes and dislikes are.
Contribution, once you find and define who you are in a positive way. You’ll be able to not only contribute to others. But do so in a positive manner.
Life begins right after you start to program yourself as to who you want to be and not what others think you should be, you’re never too old and it’s never too late.
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Overcoming Your Fears.