Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
The six human needs are what a great man called Tony Robbins discovered in 2006.
Subconsciously whatever we do in life is driven by fulfilling or unfulfilling these six human needs, if any one thing that we do fills three of these needs at a conscious lever or an unconscious level, it becomes highly addictive.
Fundamentally human needs are, shelter, food, water, air.
We also have emotional needs, that give us fulfilment or un fulfilment, these are what drive us to do what we do, when we do, filling these needs on a subconscious level drives us in making the choices we make in our day to day lives. There is a deep underlying reason as to why we make our decisions based on our six human needs and our emotional needs.
There’s a lot to understand about these to get a better awareness of yourself, so I’ll writing about each one and going into more depth about them.
The six human needs are.
4. Love and connection.
Love and connection.
You can meet love and connection in positive ways, giving love and receiving love, helping others, give and take, looking after a pet dog, that’s so excited to see you when you get home, etc a neutral way, neither going back or stepping forward, or a negative way, by destroying someone else, you feel connected to them as they’ll be responding to you. So when narcissistic people provoke you and you react, you are fulfilling the narcissists need for connection to others, positivity or negativity, yet most often negativity effecting you.
Most people end up settling for connection, either because they’ve loved hard and they don’t want to feel that pain again, or because they are with someone who’s not showing love, yet they feel connected to them.
You can meet your need of love and connection, by loving and connecting with yourself, by having a pet, especially dogs, by dressing how you want and feeling good within yourself, love and connection with friends, family, your children. It’s incredibly hard to sub-stain your will power if it’s not meeting your human needs, if your human needs are not being met by going on a diet, you’ll not sub stain it in the long run, if it makes you feel love within yourself more, if it makes you feel significance within yourself, if it makes you feel certain you are losing weight, then it meets three, then you hit the problem of it becoming addictive and needed to diet until it becomes extreme.
Often most of us use problems as our reason when it’s actually our human needs that keep us hooked on things. Problems, however, mask and don’t fulfil your deepest needs. Often causing more problems.
Any time something fills three of your human needs it becomes addictive. Any time by believing something, doing something or feeling something and it meets three of your human needs you become addicted to it. If it’s through a feeling, an emotion or an action if it’s meeting any three of the above need you will become addicted.
Therefore an abusive relationship isn’t just addiction from that trauma bond of all those highs and lows, from the gaslighting and manipulation to confuse you, you are also addicted to a deeper level.
Subconsciously an abusive relationship will meet all six of your human needs on a level making it highly addictive and extremely hard to break free from, why the average time it takes to get out is 7 times, then with the added fact you’ve been manipulated To thinking it’s all your fault, fear of leaving, fear of what they may do, guilt and all the doubts they’ve fed you, it’s not just hard to get out it’s painfully hard.
The narcissist also can become addicted to you, often why most if they are not getting their needs met elsewhere will come for the hoover on you. Also why most seem to be able to just move on without any heartache as they are getting the human needs met elsewhere.
How does an abusive relationship meet all your needs?
1. Love and connection, if they are love bombing you, you feel love and connection, if they are strangling you, it’s negative but you will be feeling a connection to them at that moment, you’ll also feel the negative side of insignificant, and you’ll feel uncertain as to what they may do next. the narcissist will be filling their need of significance, either way if they are love bombing you, you’ll be full of positive love towards them. If they are in your face, shouting, spitting, strangling they are going to feel significance over you, connection to you in a negative way, they are going to feel certain they are in control over you.
2. Uncertainty/ variety. As you never know what they are up to, where they are, which person you’re going to get when they walk through the door, how they will be when they wake up. The narcissist’s uncertainty is fulfilled by keeping you walking on eggshells, keeping you guessing and often having more than one partner, although not all narcissists cheat.
3. Certainty that you have someone, you are not alone even though you feel alone, that fear of uncertainty of being alone keeps us with them for longer than we should stay, we can also be certain they will change, we’ve seen the good side, we know it exists. The narcissist feels certain they have someone and if they fear they might not, they’ll make sure they have someone else lined up ready to replace you.
4. Significance, in a positive way that affects us negatively, we feel significant that we are in a relationship, that we help them, provide for them, loan them money, The narcissist feels significant that we will keep giving and they can keep taking.
5. Growth, you believe you growing, as you adapt and change so often to meet their needs so you don’t get a reaction. The narcissist will most often step up the games to fill their need for growth, yet they never last, so the move onto another target, again novelty wares off for them, it never lasts, they never grow, familiarity comes into play, they get bored and search for a new target to fill that need that they can not meet making them deeply unhappy.
6. Contribution, we believe we are contributing towards them, cooking teas, washing clothes, buying them cars, helping them out etc. Most narcissists never truly meet their need for contribution, they only ever willing give to receive so they are always looking for more and never satisfied or happy deep within themselves.
When getting out of an Abusive relationship or once out, you need to focus on meeting love and contribution elsewhere, either by focusing more on your children than you already do, giving your time to charity, getting a dog if you love dogs, helping other get through it etc, we all fill love and contribution needs in different ways, so it’s working out the best way to fill it for you.
Keep working on you, and filling your human needs up in other ways, leaving the narcissist to it and filling your own life back up. You will get through this.