No contact, if you can, is always the best method for recovery if you have children, grey rock.
Do not give narcissists any reactions, and do not go back, safely get out and safely stay out. Now because of all those highs and lows, that leaves your brain with the trauma bond because they can offer that intermittent reinforcement of play nice some times, and perhaps we don’t want to admit to ourselves that people like this exist, especially if you have children with them. To begin with, it’s incredibly hard to stick to no contact, especially when they come back all sweetness and light, or you have children, and you want them to have a good parent, so you reach out time and time again just to be slated.
You’ve changed for them so many times, you’ve tried to communicate so many different ways, and nothing works. So what works with these people.
Every villain has a nemesis,
With a narcissist, it’s no reaction, and their souls slowly wither if they are getting no attention. No doubt they go find it elsewhere, but no reaction is the narcissist’s karma. They hate it when you treat them to the silent treatment they taught you. Oh, so well, it’s a learning curve that takes time to grasp. At some point, we learn, we do get it, and life becomes so much more peaceful.
A narcissist wants to be the star of their own movie, and they also want to direct￼, edit things out, choose the audience, yet without an audience, that movie is nothing.
So to movies, to help you stick to no contact, grey rock, boundaries and routine, as when you start giving no reactions, many a narcissist will up their games.
Nobody throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control over someone else’s mind
Gremlins, if you’ve seen it. I like to think upon narcissists as that loveable cute gremlins that you have no choice but to walk away from simply because if they are not looked after properly, they self destruct because they have little self-worth deep down. They don’t know how they want to be treated, so you’ve got no chance of doing that right. You also don’t need a toddler throwing a massive tantrum all the time in an adults body, which is basically what narcissists do. They spit the dummy out at every given opportunity, leaving you feeling confused and like you’re the one going crazy.
What are the rules? No water on the gizmo. What happens when water gets spilt on the gizmo? They multiply, and five more form from gizmo back. The trouble makers led by stripe.
Narcissists, what are the rules? Don’t question them about any wrongdoing. They have multiple personas they go through and throw straight back at you to avoid accountability. Perhaps you have evidence. Wow, they’ll still deny it all, twist it onto you. How it goes down, you probably remember all too well.
They go through.
Blame shifting, projection, word salad.
Then comes the anger,
Then comes the rage,
Then comes the silent treatment, which of course, if you are the one to cave, grovel and apologise at any point, they might stop. If not, they’ll pedal through them all until the silent treatment drives your thoughts crazy, you believe you were at fault, and you apologise to them.
Gremlins rule, don’t feed after midnight. When fed after midnight, they turn into the nasty gremlins and torture poor gizmo,
The narcissist after the idealisation period, if you criticise them, either without even knowing because of their own insecurities or if you try to have a rational conversation about something like genuine people do. They might have asked for your opinion, yet it wasn’t the opinion they wanted from you. Where they believe you are wrong, they start with all of the word salad then, if you react, it’s all your fault. If not, they cycle through the blame-shifting, anger, rage and silent treatment. Slowly but surely, small, subtle things to torture your own mindset, so you end up not knowing if you’re coming or going, not knowing if you’re right or wrong, even believing you are the crazy one, believing you’re in the wrong, they keep going until you conform to their ways and their demands. When you do, they move the goal post as they themselves don’t know what they truly want. All they know is manipulate and control. So they up the game on you what was right last week, is no longer right this week, no matter what you do, it’ll never ever be good enough for their own tortured souls, they don’t think anything’s wrong with them, to them everybody else is to blame for all their problems, love will not fix them. You can not help them.
Loving a narcissist more will not make them hurt you less.
Or just like spike in the movie, who cuts the power to the alarm clock to trick Billy into feeding them after midnight, then cacoons appear out hatch the monsters that torture gizmo and try to kill Billy’s mother.
Narcissist, try to cut you from all friends and family, from your support system. Trick you with gaslighting and manipulation, to slowly torture your inner soul without you even knowing, slowly but surely changing your mindset, so you left full of insecurities, self-doubt and a shell of your former self as you try your best to please them, conform to them, killing of who you indeed are.
Gremlins, bright light hurts them,
Narcissists your knowledge hurts them when you start waking away from that trance they’ve manipulatively placed you under, back comes that cute little gizmo and the idealisation period, just long enough to manipulate you some more and to send you under again. Some more highs and lows to strengthen that trauma bond, and boom stripe is back.
While a narcissist is getting supply from others, just like spike in gremlins, the narcissist keeps going tormenting new people to get their needs met.
Sunlight kills gremlins.
Exposing a narcissist takes all their false self away to all those around them, which kills them on the inside as they live off that fake persona.
So when you do work them out, they’ll be fast to smear your name, keeping themselves unaccountable. They will discard you. They will threaten you.
If a narcissist hasn’t got others lined up to draw emotions from, with some even if they have a new partner, if you walked away, they’d still come after you. No reactions from you or anyone is like sunlight was to the gremlins as they are left with their own tortured soul.
So when they reappear, so cute, so loving, so kind, so caring, with those false promises to change, stick to grey rock or no contact if possible.
One day you’ll look at them with a “what the hell was I even thinking?” When you know how ugly they are on the inside, you realise just how unpleasant they are on the outside.
They are vampires in the flesh.
They literally suck everything from you, stealing your mind, your heart, your belongings, your health; some even manage to keep the children from you, we know that children are not our property or theirs, yet they take your rights away to nurture and raise those children in to happy, healthy adults, if this is you, get better, then fight all the way and get those children back under a safe, loving roof.
They might not suck your blood, but they might as well, as they leave you so drained and tired you’re lost. I was hit with illness after illness while in the depths of the relationship, from pneumonia and pleurisy to food poisoning, Campylobacter. I was asked by someone close to me at that time if they’d poisoned me, which was a joke, but with these people, who knows what truly happened, please be careful.
The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, and what was worse, I was wiped out for months? Yet, I needed to carry on with work, household chores, and taking care of the children. As of course, I was the one paying all the bills. That was perhaps one of the most challenging times of my life, and I learnt that no matter how hard life can be, you can always make it through whatever life throws at you. You may not always see the lesson at the time, but no matter how hard you’ll see one day, you’d not be as strong or as wise if it weren’t for your past. You indeed are an amazing, loving, patient, kind person for trying to help the narcissist, but unfortunately, you can not help them. The more you try to help them, the more they destroy you. So now is the time to cut them loose, let them go. No contact or grey rock is a must for your own sanity.
None of us a perfect. With good intentions, there’s no wrong way or right way to live your life. When you found the coping mechanism to survive the relationship, you’ll find them to survive the recovery.
A lady sat on a delayed train from Manchester to London, and started to write on napkins, divorced from her husband, diagnosed with clinical depression, no job and a child to take care of, she got turned down by 12 punishers, she kept going, that lady is j.k Rowling.
A quote from Harry Potter.
Dumbledore says. “happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
A narcissist needs to steal your light to hide away from their own inner darkness. You can not help them. You can find your inner light again and escape their darkness.
Most of us have that before, during, and after, here’s mine, before I met the narcissist, in the darkest of days with the narcissist and then free, reclaiming my life and my happiness, it might help you to take a look back through your own if you’re thinking of taking them back. I didn’t find the middle photo until after recovery. I now truly understand why I could have looked like I was going crazy. Also, why people informed me how much better I was looking once I was out.
Don’t repaint the narcissist colours. That toxic monster you see in the end is who they are. Never doubt yourself again when they play nice. You did not cause it, you can not change it, you can not help them. You can, however, help you. You will move forward to a much happier life once your minds free of that narcissist. You’ve got this.
What happens to you in a relationship with a narcissist?
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.