Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
A great man named Tony Robbins discovered the six human needs and the meanings behind them, now we all need food, water, air and shelter these are our fundamental human needs, these are the six human needs for our emotional/ mental development. There are free tests online to find out your top two, as when you do something positive that meets your top two, life becomes much happier for you.
There is a lot of depth and understanding of human needs, so I’ll be writing a post about each individual one.
Human needs are what give us fulfilment or un-fulfilment. What drives us to do what we do, what drives us as individuals to make the choices we make in day to day life. There is an emotional side to everything we do and all the choices we make.
The six human needs are.
5. Love and connection.
Humans all crave uncertainty, we all like a little variety, doing the same thing over and over, knowing what we are doing exactly when, never learning or growing, always knowing what’s happening, can make our lives boring. If you think you don’t want uncertainty, then you’d never try anything new, you’d never surprise someone or want to be surprised, we all want pleasant surprises, as negative surprises are what most of us call our problems, anything negative most of us class as a problem
So often people stay with an abusive partner not only because one of their six needs is certainty or love and connection, then contribution wanting to help them but also they are extremely good at making you feel uncertain, then certain, they give you variety, releasing those hormones and causing that trauma bond, so although you know you need to get out, it becomes increasingly hard as it’s unconsciously fulfilling at least four if not all six of your human needs that most of us didn’t even know about.
Tony Robbins. “any time your mind believes that by doing something, believing something, or by feeling something it meets three of your human needs, you become addicted. You can be positivity addicted or negatively addicted, but you’re going to become addicted. Any time your mind believes you’re meeting three of your human needs. Though, feeling, emotion or action, you will become addicted.”
Therefore in an abusive relationship at times you are meeting occasionally when the treat you so right, love and connection, or it was met in the beginning, and you want that back, you meet certainty at times, you know you’re in a relationship and you have a partner, you meet uncertainty as you never know where you are with them. Contribution as you believe you are helping them, giving to them, changing to fill their needs and be who they want you to be. Therefore your subconscious is keeping you addicted through your human needs.
We are certain they can be good as we’ve seen it before we are uncertain when that might be, and we change to help them, plus the rest, and even though this is a negative environment that’s detrimental to our mental, and physical health, with all the manipulation, brainwashing of our reality and fear of their reactions, guilt of splitting up the family, guilt of leaving someone who claims they need you to help them, feeling like you love them and the trauma bonding it keeps you locked unwittingly in the cycle of abuse.
The same applies to when they leave you, then they come back with false promises of change, you are certain they can be good as you’ve seen them treat you right before, you’re feeling the love and connection that someone wants you, yet you’re uncertain as to if they have changed or not. Yet you want to contribute and help them change meeting four of your needs, making it even harder to say no and remove them from your life for good. So you can move away from them and start to meet your human needs elsewhere it becomes increasingly hard to leave them.
You get uncertainty met in a positive way, learning, growing, taking on a new job, starting a new activity. Neutral way staying in what you believe is your comfort zone even though it’s so uncomfortable and uncertain at times, yet because it brings you the certainty you stay. Or negative way, drinking, messaging the ex, taking the ex back, reacting to what the say.
Nows the time to try new things to help you break free and get your human needs met away from the ex. Start walking, yoga, exercise, watch a movie you have not seen before, simple steps of stepping out of your comfort zone, especially if you are still working on anxiety, take baby steps and then build up your new experience.
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