Overcoming narcissistic Abuse by Elizabeth Shaw. Why a narcissist can never love.
Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so some will never raise their voice to you or show violence as their words and silent treatment can cut straight through you and bring you down to your knees, there are those narcissists who will shout, will use physical violence, from pulling hair, spitting, slapping, strangling to using their fists.
Can a narcissist fall in love?
There is a debate between specialists upon whether a narcissist can love at the moment, or never truly love as most don’t even know who they are.
Some experts argue that a narcissist can not love, whilst other states, at the moment they said it to you, some narcissists actually mean it, although they can turn that love feeling straight back off as soon as they feel criticism or their needs are not being met, so whilst their need is being met they do love, although it’s almost impossible to fill their needs as they are always looking for more. If they were not in love with you, they were in love with the idea of the fantasy of the perfect couple.
Unfortunately, to you the relationship wasn’t a fantasy, the relationship was a reality at that moment, one where two people lift each other up, help each other out, sometimes it’s 50/50 others it’s 80/20 then 20/80 etc. Relationships are give and take, unfortunately, narcissistic people live in a reality of their very own, a fantasy that never comes true as they can not grasp the idea, that life is about give and take, all they know is to give until you are hooked, then slowly take everything from you. Leaving you, empty, lost, broken, hurt, anxiety, depression, trauma bonded, and so many more.
So potential a narcissist can fall in love at the moment, yet they can not remain in love, why is this?
Idealism isn’t realism, therefore the fantasy of the idealism the narcissist has, is not based on the reality of what is and what they can make it be, they are living in a lonely reality of themselves, as they are only takers and not givers they are unable to help others or make others happy, they are unable to make themselves happy always reliant upon external sources to gain happiness.
Most narcissists are lazy, therefore they expect relationships to come to them, without putting the effort in, they seem to be missing the step of putting time and effort into a relationship, most can put the effort into it at the start, unfortunately as they don’t understand who they truly are and what makes them truly happy, they just mirror you, then once you’re hooked, they feel like they no longer need to make an effort, then they realise you are human and you make mistakes, and the devaluation stage begins.
Narcissist idealism isn’t just of relationship, it’s also, their homes, their cars, their children, their holidays and more, those lesser narcissists that haven’t achieved, will always blame others for their lack of effort.
Those narcissists who have achieved will always want and need more, nothing is ever enough.
Most narcissists, need constant emotions from others, they need to be the centre of attention at all times, they need to be superior to all others, so when they’ve sucked all The goodness out of someone and their needs are no longer being met. The simply discard and move on without a second thought. They will most like have smeared your name to all others, leaving you broken and alone to pick up the pieces.
The term narcissistic supply was introduced in 1938 by psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel, with the definition meaning, “a type of admiration, interpersonal support or substance, draw by an individual from their environment, and essential to their own self-esteem.” Once that person is no longer giving them supply, it’s gone and the narcissist moves off, if the narcissist cannot get positive empathy to make themselves feel better, they will go for negative.
As the narcissist’s partner is human, the narcissist can fear that they might be discarded first, as narcissists have no empathy, are full of manipulation, verbal abuse, mental abuse, gaslighting and possible physical abuse, which will never sustain a healthy long lasting relationship.
Yet because narcissists are worried about their supply runs out, the will often go for the hoover with ex’s, false promises of change to hook ex’s back in.
As some narcissistic people were not shown true love as a child, they often don’t understand, how to love themselves, or how to love others.
A narcissist is always in the lookout for more to fill a deeply hidden empty void within themselves, no matter what they already have they cannot find true happiness within themselves, therefore they only get temporary external fixes and are always on the lookout for more.
Most narcissists when they say “I love you.” They may mean the word but they do not get the emotional feelings of the word, often confusing it with lust, narcissistic people are extremely envious and jealous people, who always need more. They lust after what you can provide for them.
So In answer to the original question, can a narcissist love?
No, they lust.
However you can love, you can fill yourself back up, reclaim your own happiness, and live your life again, enjoying the moments.
You can learn to love yourself again, love others again and love the world around you again, leaving the narcissist where they belong, far in your past.