When the narcissist comes back with all the false apology’s, promises of change, due to the trauma bond, the idealisation stage and because genuine kind-hearted people forgive and want to help those they care for, a lot go back in the hope of those original dreams becoming a reality, because the narcissist rewrites history on you, lays all the blame on you, you question reality, believing it was you and give them another chance, so here’s something to read to remind yourself of reality, stay safe, get out and stay out. It’s hard at first, but soon you will see, you can have a much happier life without them
Here is how you have to be if you want to be in a relationship with a narcissist, why it’s just a traumatic, painful, experience, throughout.
A narcissist will stay around as long as you never expose them. They will keep coming back, weeks, months or years later while you let them.
You must be able to provide them with constant praise, attention, caring, kindness, generous gifts and always support them, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
You must be able to deny yourself of all of life’s pleasures and hand them all over to the narcissist gleefully, making their life as exciting, interesting and fulfilling as possible.
You must be able to live without true intimacy, communication, true love, honesty or trust.
You must be ok with being, cheated on, lied to and manipulated continuously, without any hope of improvement, or change.
You must, never have an opinion, desire, want, or need of your own. This is selfish behaviour and not acceptable or tolerated by the narcissist.
You will live without security, self-esteem, peace or comfort.
You will live with secrets, lies, betrayals, false truths, omissions, hypocrisies, slander or any other deceitful, manipulative action the narcissist chooses to impose on you.
You will live without boundaries, perimeters or any other self-respecting goals or aspirations, of your own. To the narcissist, these are a game to be broken down and become null and void.
You will end up living your life knowing, that the person who you are giving everything to, will never, ever, be there for you mentally, physically, spiritually, or financially. If you are diagnosed with an illness or have an accident, you are on your own, while your narcissist is out enjoying praise, and attention from others, until you can attend to their needs again. Even then they’ll be gaining attention from others.
You will also have to feel guilty and feel genuinely sorry that your illness or injury has caused a huge inconvenience for the narcissist. How dare you not be available to serve them.
You will be treated as completely worthless, also accept that you have caused all of this “drama”.
You will have your coworkers, friends and family removed from your life until you are isolated from all your support.
You will have to be happy to agree to give up your career or your job should it ever interfere with your ability to be able to serve your narcissist’s desires.
You live without love, respect, affection or attention from your children because they also live to serve the narcissist. They see no value in you because you don’t see any value in yourself, or because they have been conditioned by the narcissist to believe that you are worthless and not worthy of such things, with more manipulation and mind games.
You must be willing to wake up one day to discover that your narcissist has left you without understanding why they left, where they went, who they are with, or when they will be back until they return (days, weeks, months, years) later, like nothing ever happened. And they will return!
When they return, you must be willing to not ask questions. Do not speak of your feelings. Do not try to engage them in any “serious” conversation at all. Simply resume your position of loving them, caring for them, and being kind to them, making sure that they feel wonderful about themselves, no matter how confused and hurt you feel.
You must be willing to always be wrong, take full blame, apologise and beg for forgiveness for everything the narcissist imagines that you did to hurt them, whether you really did it or not is not relevant. Most often, it’s them who hurt you, but this is unacceptable for you to think this way.so, you must apologise profusely for not stopping them from making a bad decision. Their bad decision is your fault.
You must also never offer advice or suggestions that might prevent your narcissist from making a bad decision because this is critiquing. You will be punished severely for any criticism. You will get the silent treatment, or you will be attacked on such a personal level, it cuts you to the core, belittled, called names and falsely accused of things you may or may not have ever done.
You must be willing when they come back to you, to be perfect in every way. If you fail, you will be punished, so apologise. Apologise and apologise again, beg for forgiveness, beg for mercy, for everything they did to you, accept full responsibility for their actions. Yours, beg to be forgiven for everything they did to you; there are no exceptions. You must always take 100% responsibility for how they “feel”.
Do not cry. Do not show sadness. Do not show any emotion that might challenge the narcissist’s self-esteem. Do not express any emotion other than happiness that they came back to you. It doesn’t matter that the narcissist’s behaviour is killing you. Do not express it, ever! That would be a huge mistake, as the narcissist might sense that you are unhappy in the relationship. This will force them to leave you again to go find someone who is more “positive” and “superior” to you. Someone who won’t ask questions, feel hurt or abandoned. Someone who will listen to their stories of how horrible you have treated them and be willing give them what you can’t or won’t.
You must be willing to be abandoned and left with no resources to take care of yourself or your children with no explanation.
You must be willing to put your entire life on pause at any given moment, without warning, and be willing to wait patiently until your narcissist becomes bored with, or disenchanted by, their new person, or until that person displays feelings of “unhappiness” and becomes as worthless as you.
You must be willing to be patient and wait, do not feel sad, don’t cry, don’t react negatively, stay positive. they will come back to you when they feel like it.
You must be willing to allow this in and out behaviour to happen multiple times, and never tire of it. You must never see it as an issue. You must be willing to embrace the revolving door.
You must be willing to appreciate the uncertainties, anxieties and insecurities of them leaving you for something “better” any time they feel bored or anxious with themselves.
You must be grateful, thankful and appreciative that you are special enough to the narcissist, for them to return to you, whenever they choose to eventually.
You must be satisfied with being weak enough to tolerate their abuse, yet strong enough to keep yourself from going completely insane, from all of the insanity of your day to day life with your beloved narcissist.
By now, hopefully, you have learned your lesson and are ready to completely comply with the narcissist’s expectations of you, whatever those may be.
You must comply wholeheartedly (no faking it), with all expectations, even though you won’t fully know what the expectation is, because they don’t communicate their wants or needs to you. It’s a fantasy conjured up in their own head, influenced by porn, the envy of a friend, their boss or family member, which changes weekly, daily or hourly, but you should know what it is. If you really love them, you will KNOW what they want and need at all times, without them having to tell you, and you should be more than willing to provide it to them, happily.
You need to be willing to live every day of your life with the truth, that the person who you love so unconditionally so deeply, so intensely, is not capable of loving you, respecting you, or caring for you at all, not even with all of their expectations being met.
You need to be willing to accept the fact that the harder you try to please them, the more they despise you.
You should be willing to have your bank account emptied, your home foreclosed on and your car repossessed, resulting in you sleeping on the street, while they are sleeping in someone else’s warm, comfortable bed.
You will end up becoming a shell of a human being, void of any feelings, emotions, identity or responses, other than to happily and joyfully serve the narcissist person’s needs, wants, and desires, while completely denying yourself of all basic human needs.
When you get out, you will be smeared to all those around you. They will tell those around you, everything they did you-you, you did to them.
When they see you truly happy again, they will come back, just to destroy you all over again. So don’t let them, get out and stay out, it will get easier.
Walking on eggshells.
Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
The Narcissist Illusion.