Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The Narcissist and gaslighting,
The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play called Gaslight. In 1944 this was released as a film.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation to put seeds of doubt into other individuals minds, in the aim to make those around them question reality, doubt their memories, question their sanity.
It’s a hideous form of manipulation, it has extremely traumatic effects, on your mental and physical health, unfortunately by the way a narcissistic person draws you in, with the idolisation stage, then slowly and carefully, takes you down, with lots of different manipulation methods, it’s extremely hard to spot whilst it’s happening to you, people are extremely susceptible to it. They destroy your emotional well being, mental health and physical health with it, then take control of your mind and your life.
signs you’ve been gaslighted.
1. No longer feeling like the person you used to be.
2. Being more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
3. Often wondering if you’re being too sensitive
4. Feeling like everything you do is wrong.
5. Always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong.
6. Apologising often.
7. Having a sense that something’s wrong, but being unable to identify what it is.
8. Often questioning whether your response to your partner is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)
9. Making excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
10. Avoiding giving information to friends or family members to avoid confrontation about your partner.
11. Feeling isolated from friends and family.
12. Finding it increasingly hard to make decisions.
13. Feeling hopeless and taking little or no pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
My ex-narcissist drove me to utter disappear, and almost instantly, to try and take the house away from me, at the time I didn’t see it for what it was, but luckily I did listen to my instinct, a lot of the time I didn’t and most of us don’t until it’s too late.
Through lots of different manipulation, from when things of my children’s went missing from the house, which the narcissist blamed their older child to me for taking, triangulating and manipulating the child too, so they could drive a wedge and the child could no longer inform me, the things they had been, about the narcissist that the narcissist didn’t want me to know, as they’d informed me of a few lies the narcissist had told, yet the narc did twist all these around, plus silent treatments and rage if I dared to ask.
Ruining special occasions and holidays, then blaming me. Special Occasions are full of joy and happiness now we are narc free, just how life should be.
Promising, nice days out on a set day, one was two weeks after our eldest was born, then instead of taking us. went out to the place they’d promised to take me and baby to with their best mate on bikes, leaving me home alone, questioning myself as they then said. “I never said that.” “I told you I was going on the bike.” The same best friend they tried to get into bed with that friend’s wife.
baby was breast fed, yet had one bottle for the narcissist to give at night, of course they always Forgot to give the baby the one bottle they had a night, then waking me to breastfeed, telling me to go to bed early to rest, then waking me at least one to three times a night for random things, leaving me to take care of all the baby’s needs.
Pity plays on how the ex wanted more money so couldn’t afford to buy stuff for the child, or pay towards bills, always promising to pay next week and failing to deliver, so I had to go back to work day after the child was born to pay those bills. Even though they’d promised we’d make it so I could have a few months off, instead I had to take on extra work to cover the bills.
Not letting me know they were bringing eldest, so I had to start tea all over to feed them, all I asked was to know so I could be prepared, of course this was being controlling and they wanted to keep me busy and tired.
Not lifting a finger to help out.
And so many more.
They then slowly drilled it into my head, it wasn’t them, I just had PND, reading all the signs and symptoms, at first I just thought I was exhausted, which I was, from the form of torture the narcissist was doing, to gain power over me, I still, however, had doubts to exactly what was wrong with me.
When the narcissist did get me to the doctors, the doctors prescribed antidepressants, I was so out of it at that point, I actually sat listening in like I wasn’t in my own body, I listen to all the advice that the doctor was giving my partner, about how best to help that empty shell of my former self.
When we arrived home, did the narcissist do any of these things nope, would just tell me to get rest, then bring the baby up, or do something so I had extra work to do.
The narcissist took no notice of the doctor’s recommendations, instead, they asked me to sign the house and all bills into their names, those bills the narcissist couldn’t afford to pay, as apparently, that would help me to recover, they also told anyone and everyone that would listen just how depressed I was.
The house I had got to put a roof over the heads of my three older boys, my instinct was screaming at me not to sign it over, throw away those tablets and get better, which I slowly did, I do not regret that time or even dislike the narcissist for it, as it taught me, no matter how low you feel, you can always climb back up, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going, it is incredibly hard, it’s also possible.
The narcissist wanted all the attention from others for putting up with me, trying to cut everybody away from me, when I didn’t sign the house over I got from the narcissist “There’s no helping some people.” And of course a two-week silent treatment, with a disappearing act from them, more resentment of me spending time with those trying to help, and getting me to doubt those close to me so I didn’t turn to them by telling me. “They talk about you behind your back.” “They think you’re crazy.” I’ve spoken to them, they believe you have PND and you need to let me help you.”
And so many more.
At one point he actually left for a few days, and I had no method of getting in touch with him, as they’d not answer any calls or messages.
When they returned, they went for the pity play. Of “your behaviour is ruining the relationship.” and “you need to let me take over the house and bills so I can help you.” Again more silent treatment when I said no.
Then they went chasing after their best friends wife.
Gaslighting is about untruths or extending facts into something they were not. Making up story’s of events that didn’t happen, punishing people, telling people something did happen, that never actually did. Taking power away from others by confusing them, destroying people’s character, to the person themselves and those around them. Outright lies said so sincerely you question yourself. You know something happened, yet the narcissist with great conviction, Denys it ever happened, they will say. “I never said that,” or “that didn’t happen.” Or “you dreamt that.” They will guilt trip You into believing their reality, they will argue and blame you for anything and everything that’s wrong. if you feel like your losing your mind over events. you are being gaslighted, it’s All done so you lose your sense of reality and your own beliefs and values.
Those are all done so you end up so full of shame and self-doubt, you daren’t speak up to the narcissist or those close to you for a reality check.
A lot in recovery is letting go of that shame, also your own ego and pride, Then asking others for a reality check, as you worried what others may think. I had a lot of inner shame, and ego to release to recover back to my happy self because that narcissist makes you believe you’re the cause of the problems and you think people will turn away from you.
You can not get the truth and correct answers from a narcissist, their version of reality will always be different from those around them. They can never be accountable and will never accept responsibility, only false apology’s if they believe they have something to gain, they enjoy you calling them out, as this gives them more power and control over you and your emotions and they love to provoke reactions from you. They will twist and turn more and more on to you, with their word salad, to send you into further depths of disappear.
if you questioned your part, doubted yourself, thought you were to blame. you are not a narcissist, your reactions are normal human behaviour, due to being so manipulated, by the narcissist.
You need to work on releasing any guilt you have, releasing those traumas, and developing a new positive mindset, and a new inner self, full of self-worth. When you work on your inner self, listen to your instincts, even if you’re not sure what they are telling you, you will become so much happier, and more confident in your own abilities and trust within yourself. Only you can create your boundaries and values, then others can respect them as yours, or no longer be a part of your life. People around you don’t have to understand them or agree to them, just respect them as your own and not walk all over them. You need your own values and boundaries and your actions need to match your words, Those around your actions need to match their words, people with lots of false promises, that continue to let you down, you don’t need those kinds of people in your life. There is plenty of good people in the world to surround yourself with. Those who abandon you in time of need, put you down, never accept any blame, no matter how nice they can be, are abusive, you need to get out and stay out.
If you are out you need to remember, you can not help them, you can not fix them, so the next time they come for the hoover, with pity plays and false apologies, you don’t go back.
If you’re still with the narcissist, you’ve got to stop turning to them for help, they will only make you worse, you need to start turning to yourself.
It is hard breaking free, it is also so worth it, for your mental and physical health and much more stable and happier life.
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