Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The Narcissist and boundaries.
When you have defined your core values and defined your boundaries, set the boundaries, and it has not worked, the narcissist is still trying to cross them, why is this?
A narcissist will not accept your boundaries, and they will switch it up a gear every time you set them, just know in your own mind, why you set the boundaries, how it’s helping you and your children now, do not get into a debate with the narcissist, no point explaining yourself to them, they are not interested.
What they don’t realise is, we are entitled to our own personality’s. Narcissists do not and can not see. We have our own unique personalities I have mine, and you have yours, mine is my responsibility, and yours is yours, we can take on board other people’s opinions, but we do not have to accept them as our own unless it suits our personality type. The narcissist does not see this, they see empathy inside of you, and they want to draw it out.
A little like your home, you have a boundary line around it, as do your neighbours, now some neighbours are close so will walk into each other’s home, with mutual agreement and respect for each other. For the most part, neighbours respect each other’s boundary line of their homes. Yes, we may help, taking bins out for each other, crossing over that boundary line to help each other out. We have mutual respect for what each other have. Unless you get that neighbour that wants to build a brick wall taking half your garden, you may talk to them if it bothers you, if they don’t listen you may choose to court with your deeds of what is yours to regain your land, you may also think, Nah less grass for me to cut keep it. Whatever you do, it is down to you and how you feel. Sometimes you have to fight for what’s right, and sometimes you will happily leave it be.
When it comes to a narcissist, they will never see it your way, so all you can do is walk away and leave them be. Where children are concerned, If needed, you have to stand up and fight, be it limited contact or no contact. The children’s best interests have to come first, depending on the narcissist type and the particular narcissist traits you’re dealing with. Create those boundaries, and it’ll not stop the narcissist trying to bring them down, you know you’re doing what is right for you.
If you’ve tried boundaries with a narcissist before and it didn’t work. The narcissist probably just decided as they most often do to carry on being difficult to try and get to you.
Having good boundaries doesn’t mean that narcissist will have a personality transplant, they will not stop testing your boundaries. Knowing a narcissist that will never happen. A narcissist is a thief that will rob people of their mental health and their physical health, as well as belongings. Quite frankly they can keep their miserable personality as they are so damaged they can not feel what you or I do, they are so empty they have to gain power and control, they have to divide and conquer. Remind yourself, “I choose me, I choose that I can love myself, I choose to be kind and respectful of those who are to me. I choose to put up a great big boundary wall to those who only want to take from me.” More than likely you, loved, cared, helped and have given them every chance you could until they destroyed your mental health when someone treats you that way, it’s doesn’t matter what they throw at you, they are just trying to break down the wall. That wall you need to be reinforced to protect yourself from their manipulative Tactics.
The narcissist will always be what they are, so you need to continue being you, without getting blurred by their attempts to make them feel better. They will say all sorts of things and make so many demands, to meet their personal needs. So you feel you’re in the wrong, trying to blur the boundaries for you, or they want you to ignore what you’re doing and drop everything when it suits them. They are extremely dishonest, they believe their own lies as they are never accountable, which leaves those around them guarded, cautious and calculated, so your own sense of decency they steal from you too. The narcissist blurs your boundaries, leaving you with self-doubt and anxiety.
So even when you set boundaries up the narcissist will not accept these.
Keep your boundaries by.
Your mindset I am who I am, what Is best for the children? What is best for me?
Define who you want to be, it’s ok if you don’t know right now, keep going, remember you changed for the narcissist, you can change for you. Find the traits and characteristics you like. Not what the narcissist wanted you to be.
With a narcissist you will most likely have been walking on eggshells around them, avoiding who you indeed were for their needs, because of all the narcissists manipulation, you were careful around them about who you indeed were.
Change your mindset. Everyone is unique to themselves. You are entitled to be you and be unique. No two personalities are the same, just as no two narcissists are exactly the same, similar yes, exactly no.
Match your behaviour with your beliefs. You tried to be someone you weren’t for the narcissist, and it didn’t work for you, so now is the time to do what does work for you.
When the narcissist challenges your choices, don’t defend yourself to them, if you’re not doing exactly what they want the narcissist will not like it and will not listen to you, as whatever you do will be wrong, all they want to do is get you to react.
The narcissist hates boundaries, so just stay true to you.
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